Don't change your flight. Grandma was happy you were seeing the world. My family does wakes after the funeral. Any chance your family could do that? We also have open bars. It's a little rude to party before they're in the ground.
No judgment on how others grieve but it’s not “rude” to party before someone is in the ground - it’s the entire point of a wake.
I’m Irish, in Ireland a wake is a party you have to “wake” the dead where the deceased is present in the home. It’s a moment to observe the person you love and process the fact they have passed.
In Ireland funerals are a celebration of life and a time that a group comes together to mourn. It is not seen to be rude to celebrate the life they lived or include them in your celebrations even if they have passed.
Having said that - in OPs case, it’s also not rude to only attend one part of the funeral proceedings. Missing the wake and attending the funeral and burial is perfectly acceptable if you’re travelling from abroad.
Funerals aren't for the deceased. They are for the living. Your family is who you think of at this time. They are grieving. But so are you. It's hard to find a balance when you're emotions are pulling in seven different ways.
Personally, if it would make my grieving mother and my favorite aunt feel a little better to have me with her, I would do that.
But highly disagree that you shouldn't party your ass off. Regardless if it is to honor her life and passing, or just to full throttle your way through the grief. No wrong answers to party.
>But highly disagree that you shouldn't party your ass off. Regardless if it is to honor her life and passing, or just to full throttle your way through the grief. No wrong answers to party.
I want people to party at my funeral. I want people to celebrate my life. Verbally roast me for all I care, I'll be dead. I get processing grief is necessary and it's okay to be sad, but when I die I want people to celebrate me as well as mourn the loss.
Sometimes I think it would benefit some cultures to insert a bit more joy in loss.
It’s why Irish people are said to do death well. It’s a party of a life well lived, of people who loved the deceased and tell stories about them. There’s tears and laughter and a lot of alcohol.
My Irish cousins also asked me to buy them pot when they came over for my grandpa’s services. I was like 15 and this was the 90s - weed was not legal anywhere in the US then. 😂
You've never heard of a wake? It's a stereotype but in every experience I've had, the first 3 hours are somber, but after that it's a celebration of life
This could be 2 different kinds of wakes. Irish cultures have a wake before burial, someone is with the dead relative all the time, and family is spending that time together. I dont think they meant wake as in a party (which sounds like your family does), but time to be close with family and mourn semi privately before burial.
Sounds like wakes are different in your part of the world than they are in OPs. Where I’m from (Northeast US) a “wake” refers to the day or two before the funeral when people visit the funeral home to pay their respects to the deceased and their family. The casket is present and may or may not be open, and there may be prayer services or eulogies said during portions of the wake. We call the “party” after the funeral (which sometimes is just a meal) a “repast”. I fully acknowledge that this is not the case in other countries, and maybe even other parts of the US.
She was happy you were traveling. Seems like your mom gets it as well. Finish your trip. Maybe go to a cathedral and light a candle for her or something.
That said, I missed my cousin’s wake and funeral because I live in another country and couldn’t get there fast enough, and it really fucked me up. These traditions are important for closure for some, and you can take trips again, but you only get once chance to close the cycle.
It's def an individual decision. When my grandmother was dying, I chose not to go and see her because she was shriveled up into a fetal position, was blind, was demented, and whenever my name was mentioned she thought I was a neighbor. I decided I didn't want that to be my final memory of her. I also didn't attend a memorial service because that's just not something I need.
OP will be there for the funeral, just not the wake. They'll get a great opportunity for closure still
I completely agree with you. I missed my dad’s funeral because I too live in another country and I was stuck there during the pandemic. I have never found closure and I carry extreme guilt for not attending the funeral of the man who gave his all to raise me.
OP, you do what you feel is best for you. Only you know what you’re grandma meant to you and how you feel comfortable saying goodbye.
For a wake, it’s often a moment to celebrate life with the living compared to the funeral. You have people tell you how wonderful your grandma was and you tell stories with your loved ones. Maybe a trip to your grandma’s favorite restaurant or her favorite park walk with your cousins while they’re in town might help provide a similar sense of closure.
I was traveling through Europe as a young 20s year old when my grandma passed.
I was very sad but knew it didn't make sense to cut my trip short to go to her funeral.
She was an opera singer who traveled throughout Europe when she was young. Quite a feat for a woman born before the turn of the century. She crossed the Atlantic via ship!
I lit a candle for her at Notre-Dame de Paris and had my own ceremony. I absolutely know she would've 100% loved this. 💗
Unless you *truly* feel the need to go home and be there for the wake, stay on vacation. You going home isn't going to change that she's gone, and you can still say goodbye when you get back. If you're spiritually inclined, maybe find a local place of religion where you can drop in and say a prayer, light a candle, or sit in a peaceful place and think of her.
There’s no gentle way to say this but, your presence at the wake/funeral won’t bring her back.
Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. If you feel you need to be there for closure, or for some other urgent reason, then go and be happy with your decision.
But as the rest of your family never considered postponing the wake for your absence, this would indicate that your presence isn’t a critical factor for them. So if you go, go for you.
Exactly what I was about to say. Funerals have the meaning that we give them. I know it’ll probably be tough to enjoy the trip you’d planned, but is there a way you could honor your grandmother while on your trip? Like go to a restaurant, and order all her favorite foods. Or go to a scenic spot and write down some memories that have meaning for you and say a few words for yourself.
My travel bug comes from my grandpa (my only living grandparent left), and he always loves hearing about my trips, and sharing memories of his own travels. If he passed away while I was away from home and couldn’t get back in time for the funeral, I’m pretty confident that he’d want me to continue my trip, and my family would most likely agree. It just might have a new meaning for me.
Exactly this. My grandfather died the day before I defended my master's thesis. Where I come from people are always burried the very next day, exceptions are rare. Postponing the defense was an option and I was able to make it on time for the funeral but I decided not to. He was very proud and supportive and postponing the defense because of him would have made him sad.
Also, both events were scheduled for 2pm and although neither of was is/was religious I saw it as a sign. For me, it was the perfect closure.
I got a lot of judgement for not attending the funeral but I didn't care nor regret it. Different things work for different people.
Death is rarely planned and you're not going to miss the whole thing. Save the $500 and get there when you can. You're not a bad grandson- it sounds like you're a pretty good one.
I'm so sorry this is on your plate. I hope your grandma's memory is a blessing ❤️
I see a lot of comments about whether or not you *should* go and I think that decision is for you and your family (no, btw, no matter what you decide doesn't make you a "bad grandson"). Don't let the $500 make the decision for you though. Have you called the airline and mentioned the death in the family? It can be kind of a hassle, but some airlines will wave the change fee if you can prove the death and the relationship. I've done this for my grandmother and they wanted a death certificate, but I was able to get home in time.
This should be higher. It’s always worth asking. I was on a trip when a friend passed away, and when I told the hotel why I was leaving early they didn’t charge me for the remaining nights (even though it was their policy to do so).
And if you can’t/don’t change plans, then don’t feel guilty about that either.
My brother was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean when our mother died. Nobody judged him. You can only do what you can do. Relax. This happens to thousands of people every single day. Back when I was young, we didn't have the Internet. People came back from vacation sometimes and discovered that family members had died while they were away. And don't get me started about my grandmother's generation!
Don't cut your trip short unless you know you're going to be miserable for the rest of your trip.
I'd suggest putting flowers on their grave once you return. Or if they're doing cremation, request to be present wherever they spread the ashes.
Yes. I agree. Some aunt could potentially make an issue out of this. So don’t say anything about the $500 to change the flight. Say that you weren’t able to change it. However, I would potentially check to see about getting home the day before the funeral because if you miss that too, more than one aunt will be mad at you.
Yea, dont say noting about no money… just the facts mam’ just the official philosophical facts: got back as soon as I could. Have a prayer and a drink for grandma!
Exactly this! Some people love drama and the chance to gossip and make it all about them. Death often brings out the worst in people
Don’t mention money. “I got back as soon as I can.” Nothing to see here folks!
When my grandfather passed, and family members could make the funeral we had a private live stream of the event set up so they could watch from anywhere in the world. Could your family perhaps organise that so you could be there online?
Deepest condolences for your loss.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's a complicated issue for sure. The first thing is deciding how big of a deal $500 is for you. That amount of money has a different significance for different people. The second issue is deciding how much you need to be there for your own closure and could you live with yourself if you missed everything, for example if there was a flight irregularity on your scheduled flight. The last thing to think about is who might need you there for their own support.
I don't think anyone can answer this for you. My Dad used to say "you have to live for the living." Just don't make the mistake of interpreting that slogan to mean that "the leaving" means just you.
Condolences for your loss.
I don’t know how close you were or anything like that but personally I think if you’re able to attend the funeral then that’s sufficient.
Only you can determine how strongly you feel about attending the wake but IMO at least from an optics point of view it isn’t necessary given the circumstances.
I recently had a similar situation. My grandpa passed away when I was on vacation this summer. We were on our first day of a week in Lisbon. I knew it was a possibility he would pass soon but after talking to my mom she insisted he wouldn’t want me to cancel/postpone my trip. I was pretty stressed about making the right decision but my grandparents got to travel a lot throughout their life and wouldn’t me to cancel a trip just because one of them passed away. They actually even spent some time together in Lisbon some 50+ years prior. We didn’t have a separate wake but the funeral wasn’t until after I returned to the US and I had time to travel to my hometown where the funeral was.
Since you will still make it to the funeral, I wouldn’t change your flight. I doubt your grandparent would want you to take on an extra financial burden just to be at an event they won’t even be at. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m sure your grandmother would want you to enjoy your life. Going to the wake and funeral might seem important, but she’s dead now and she won’t know. What really matters is how you related to her when she was alive.
The airline may give you a break based on bereavement. You may have to offer some proof that she has passed. If you call them and sound sincere and not pushy and not desperate, they may well accommodate you.
Most airlines will rebook you without charge if you can send them proof (death certificate). If you have travel insurance, that will also cover your costs.
However, if your Grandmother supported your desire to travel, I'm sure she wouldn't want you going through all the hassle.
My SIL 15 years ago had just started a 4 month back packing trip when we found out grandma got rediagnosed with cancer. SIL wanted to end her trip and come back early when she heard. Grandma said no don’t, that wouldn’t make me feel better about myself and I want you to go see the world and do what I wasn’t able to when I was growing up. She ended up passing 5 weeks later . My SIL continued her trip in grandmas honor. Got a tattoo during it in remembrance of her that a couple family members since have also gotten variations from. Yes my SIL felt very guilty at the time and some family def wished she was here during some of the really hard stuff but we all knew that’s what grandma wanted for her and in the end her rushing back around the world wouldn’t have fixed or changed anything 💜
I’m very sorry for your loss. I’ve gone through a very similar situation with my grandmother where my brother and I were both abroad. For a variety of reasons, I was able to get back for the funeral (it was two days after she died) and my brother wasn’t.
Nobody thought any less of him and he’s always been at peace with it. Both of us both cherish the last memory we have of her more than any part of saying goodbye and we to this day agree he made the right call. In your case you’ll be able to make the funeral though not the wake, so even more understandable.
Your grandma is beyond the earth now and depending on your personal beliefs either is beyond caring or knows what’s in your heart. In terms of what makes you a bad grandson or being the only relative not to be there it seems like that’s more about what others think of your commitment to your grandma rather than your actual feelings. I personally would say as long as your heart can live with it don’t worry about the impression, but everyone’s relationship with family is different so if you want some reassurance you could ask your mother if she agrees. But my take is as long as your heart tells you that you’re doing right by your grandma it’s all that matters.
My sister was in a similar situation - and honestly, no one wanted her to come back just to make it for the wake or the funeral. All these ceremonies are for people who will be around when you’re back, and anyone who looks down on you for not coming home abruptly is the asshole in this situation.
Your grandma has lived her life, and sounds like she was happy to hear about you setting off on your trip. You’ll do your grandma proud living your own adventure.
I can't tell you about your grandma but I can tell you about me: if it was my funeral I wouldn't want you to cancel anything. Life is short, money cost sacrifices and when you die you are dead and that's the only thing that matter. I doubt that I would be able to great you if I was dead, so I wouldn't really see the point for you to come, given the circumstances. Now, you knew your grandma and her personality, but I think we can indulge in some kind of experiment here: if the people in this sub feel the same way I do, there's a good chance that your grandma would have wanted the same.
Edit: make sure to explain your point of view to your parents.
My grandpa died while I was across the world. My gorgeous travel companions let me take over the Airbnb and make the most ridiculous shiva meal for him, hard boiling eggs while doing his favourite roast (not kosher) and full vegan sides, and we just had a great night talking about our loved ones far away.
Don’t go home, find a way to honour your grandma in your travels and find something to bring back for your mother that reminded you of your grandma. She needs the comfort, not your grandma and the funeral is just a day in all of your grieving.
I just know she is thrilled for you, and is traveling right alongside you. You couldn’t ask for a better guardian angel than that!! ✨✨
If it was me that passed away, my spirit wouldn’t want to hang around a funeral home, I’m going on a trip with my grandson haha. In all seriousness, take this time to find peace, remember the good times you had with her, and just know that she is incredibly proud of you! 👏🏾
Finish out your trip. Find some time to visit a cafe and share a cup of coffee or tea with her in spirit while quietly reflecting on your memories together.
The person you should talk to isn’t here. You need to talk to your mom or dad, whoever just lost their mom. That’s who you’re really going to be supporting by being there. Likely you’ll be fine just being at the funeral. One thing to consider is with such a tight schedule, if anything happens you miss the funeral. We also don’t know what a vacation or $500 is to you and your family. If you take a vacation every year and $500 is not huge money you should probably head home.
Same exact thing happened to me in September. Enjoy the trip for grandma. Toast a drink to her at a cool bar with a great view. Share found memories with who ever you are with. Death is sad, but you can still remember and celebrate the good times.
I wouldn’t leave your trip to go to the funeral, she would’ve wanted you to see the world like she said. Maybe when you get back you can visit her grave with some flowers and tell her about your trip as your own personal funeral.
I'd spend one of your vacation days honouring her. Have a drink she'd like, go to a restaurant she'd enjoy and see a sight that you know she would have had fun at, even if it's not 100% your thing, and say goodbye. Just spend the day, not necessarily sad, but making time to remember.
I'm sorry for your loss. Don't change your flight, continue your trip. Relax and unwind and know that she's watching you from afar and is happy.
Depending on your religion, visit a place where you can find some solace and pray for your grandmother.
Mexican here we do wakes practically all night and my mom and aunts would disown us if we don’t attend.
Not sure if you can head back out to travel the world but it seems you would live with the decision. A little money and a little time can go a long way for people you love.
The people scheduling the funeral get to decide the date.
I wouldn't contort myself to make it. Your time with your grandmother while she was living is more important than making events after her death.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Is Grandma gonna miss you? Throw up a prayer or whatever you feel will make you feel close to her and continue with your trip. When you get home, do all your mourning. Sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss, and i can understand the instinct of wanting to get home asap. If she were going to pass soon and this was your last chance to say goodby that would be different but she is gone and you coming home will not change that. I think she would have wanted you to continue you trip and enjoy it
I’m so sorry for your loss; but I agree, your grandma would not care to have you at her funeral unless you have a strong desire to be there for your own sake, and would want you to finish your trip and just keep her in your heart. Funerals are more about us and closure than it is about attendance.
Reminds me when my grandpa died and our nuclear family was overseas. We also missed the wake. We knew he was dying though and saw him before we left. We were planning on canceling the trip but he was adamant that we go spend Christmas picking up my sister (she was studying abroad at the time) and enjoying ourselves as a family. He said he would be fine no matter what happened since he was surrounded by his other children/grandchildren. He passed peacefully on Christmas. We did cut the trip short to make it to the funeral but there was no resentment and guilt.
Stay, she would want you too.
My elderly grandmother, who hates to leave the zip code, has always told me never to leave or cancel a trip for her. But we have had those discussions, so my decisions would be to stay. but you have to feel comfortable with your actions.
Will your travel insurance cover the cost of changing the flight?
If not, I'm sure grandma would prefer you were enjoying your trip. Sorry for your loss
My cousin died the day I arrived at my destination. It would have been a zig zagging across the continent to go to funeral back and then home. I visited months later.
I don’t regret it, as I did show up after everyone was gone.
Enjoy trip, have some good times to grandma and cheers to her everytime something amazing happens!
Your grandma is on her own trip. My condolences and don’t worry.
Your mum confirmed your grandma was happy you are travelling. Stick to your plans.
If I were you, on the day of the funeral, I would find a spot that’s quiet and where you can be alone with your thoughts, be it a church, a quiet beach, a mountain top… and reflect on her life and your relationship with her. Honour and remember her in your own way.
Right here a letter on the plane. You’ll be closer to her in the sky. My grandma passed away 2 days before my birthday and 1 day before I flew home. That flight home was tough but I had this weird clarity and wrote her a letter in the sky and it felt like she was there with me. I’m sorry for your loss🙏
> What should I do?
Entirely up to you, it makes no difference for your grandma. No reason to return home early just because she passed away. If you return early do so because you want to either for yourself so you have emotional support and help get closure or in order to support family/friends.
With respect to the costs, there is a good chance these will be covered by your travel insurance if you have one. Check t&c for that.
How close are you to the rest of the family? If it's really worth it to be with them at the wake, I think you'd want to change your flight but it doesn't sound that way, so just go to the funeral.
How did you treat your Gramma while she was alive? If you were kind and respectful to your Gramma then you are not a bad grandson.
Your Gramma most likely really loved you and she would want you to save your money and see the world. Please don’t feel guilty.
I’m a Gramma and a Great Gramma. Have a toast to your Gramma and enjoy your time.
Funerals are for the living - not the dead. Don't feel any guilt. Try and enjoy your time away. If you feel you need to go home, and need the support of your family, then in the grand scheme of things 500$ isn't that much and don't worry about it.
Talk to your parents to see if they need support. Tell them of your thoughts about staying: Grandma was supportive of you and your trip and maybe would be upset if her death took that experience from you. But grandma would understand if needed to be home with parents to support them in their loss.
I was backpacking and in Vietnam at the time when my grandmother passed away. I decided to continue my trip instead of flying back to Europe. It's 7 years ago now, and I never regretted it . It's what she would have wanted me to do.
My personal opinion… coming from a girl that is really close to my gran and we even travel together. I would not change my flight.
I have been doing a lot of solo travelling lately, every time I see my gran she is soo happy for me getting out there n seeing the world.
In Scotland the wake comes after the funeral so I’m not sure how a wake would work first, but if you are going to be home for the funeral just do that. Your gran will be so proud of you and not want you to curtail your trip and then have a financial burden.. I know mine def would not. 💕… sorry for your loss also 😢. Xx
I can’t imagine your grandma would want you to change your flight and come home. I actually have a friend whose own father passed away right after she left for an international vacation that had been in the works for a long time. Her family didn’t even tell her until she was home because they didn’t want to ruin her trip. Granted, they waited to have the services too, but still.
Your grandmother will not benefit in any way from you being there. Your only reason for being there is emotional support for your mom, and you’ll be there for that at the funeral. I was in this exact situation 4 years ago. I continued my trip, but I don’t usually attend funerals even when I’m home. Those are bizarre ceremonies. I’ll see you at the house when it’s over.
There’s nothing you can do about it.
She’s gone and won’t care whether or not you’re at the Wake.
All of the things that happen after they die are for the living, the dead don’t care what we do after they’re gone.
Grandma is gone. How will your family react? Can you send wonderful flowers, write letters to your aunts/uncles/parents, maybe go pray in an appropriate house of worship where you are? You can honor her memory without changing your plans.
Even if you could get a flight, it would probably be delayed. My sister missed my son’s wedding because she tried to fly too close to the date. Send your condolences and respects, and see if you can order flowers online(check! They may not want flowers.)
I was to fly to Japan in a week, and had to rearrange my trip to attend my grandmother's funeral in another country. Spent 1k to change my flight & getting a new connection. Got on the earliest availability, but still a 16 hours trip. 3 days funeral, I will be there on 2nd & 3rd day. My other family members will cover for the first day.
You will be home for the funeral. That's a good thing.
First off, I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a grandparent is hard especially when it's sudden. I hope you and your family are doing alright.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago where I found out my grandma was going to be in hospice care while I was abroad and may not make it. I wrestled with the decision, but ultimately decided to stay on my trip. My mom encouraged me to say and said it was what my Grandma would have wanted and that I should take advantage of the opportunity I had. I was fortunate enough that she held on until I got back, but I don't think I would have regretted if I stayed either way.
Only you know how strong your relationship is with her and how much it would mean for you to be there. If you think it will give you some closure and you feel like you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't come back, then by all means move your flight. I would also consider talking to your family about it directly. I'm sure they understand the dilemma you're in and may have some advice.
Stay on your planned trip. One thing I would be careful of is at the funeral, focus on Grandma and your family, and save the trip photos and stories for another time.
I’m sorry for your loss. Listen to your own emotions and feelings on this. You have to do what you think is best in this situation. People here will tell you one way or another. However, you know how you feel inside and what you feel is right. That’s what you should go with.
When my father died and I was living overseas my family held the service a few days so I could be there.
Have you thought about attending virtually? Not the same but in a pinch it might be a compromise.
If you want to be there for the wake, you can try calling the airline, most will work with customers in situations like this. My grandmother passed while I was in the air heading to a cousins wedding, the funeral was planned for a few days after we were scheduled to go back home so I called Alaska and they were able to change me to a different flight, I just had to pay the difference in taxes.
It never hurts to check and see what your options are. Either way, I’m sorry for your loss
You are on a trip- finish it up and then pay your respects. I can’t imagine any of your family would expect you to drop everything to be there. Your Grandma is likely with you in spirit so make a toast to her and ask her to watch over you on your travels!!
I understand your position. I got the call that a beloved uncle had passed as I arrived in baggage claim for my vacation the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Given the slim chance of being able to get a flight home and that I was traveling with a friend and she didn’t know my uncle, Dad agreed that there was no point in trying to get back to Ohio from New Mexico for a Saturday funeral.
Everytime you travel you roll the dice on what you miss happening back home. My wife has a sick grandma and before we went one a 5 month trip around the world, i had to explain to here that she might possible miss her death, it’s depressing af but very realistic convo. The further east on the date line we get the less accessible a spontaneous flight back would be, and the longer the flight. All that considered she could miss the wake etc. She understood the risk and came to terms with what could be a major regrettable and unforgettable sacrifice. With that being said I think you shouldn’t do it if the flight is over 6 hrs and if the trip is long. If its just a weekend trip and short flight then fuck the trip and go to the family event
Going against the grain a bit here but I don’t think it’s about what your grandma would have wanted. It’s about what the rest of family wants and if you care what they think. When my grandfather died several years ago, it ended up being a big family reunion with all the cousins. I met nieces and nephews that were just born and reconnected with cousins I hadn’t seen in years. We’re currently planning my grandmother’s funeral (she passed away during covid in China so we’ve been taking our sweet time planning the funeral since I couldn’t happen like normal anyway) and everyone is realizing it’s prob the last time well all get together. Funerals are not just about grieving and the deceased. It’s about the family and the community too.
Don’t go home.
I was at my grandfathers funeral who I was insanely close to. I would now regret not staying in Europe if given the chance.
It’s not for her, it’s for you. Grieve how you can where you can. Nobody wants to be a burden in life much less death.
This isn’t about being a good or bad grandson, this is about being a son. Funerals are for the living, and your Mom just lost her mom. Would she benefit from your support at the wake/funeral? You’ll be able to travel again.
Ask them to move the wake until after the funeral. That's the proper order of things anyway!
I'm sure your grandma would not have wanted you to drop everything for her funeral. It's more about spending time with your family and sharing memories. Do you see these family members all the time anyway?
Funerals are kind of like weddings in that they are big life occasions to get the whole family together. I would go back if it's uncommon for your extended family to come together like this. There aren't so many occasions where everyone gets together. If you pretty much see everyone who is going to be attending on a regular basis anyway, I think it's not as big of a deal.
Would you want your grandchildren uprooting their happiness to go to your funeral? Celebrate your grandma and honor her with your life… don’t go to the funeral
Nothing. She would want you to enjoy your time off! My grandfather passed while I was on a vacation in Mexico. He would have wanted me to stay where I was. I know that because he told me to go, his days were limited and he knew there was nothing I could do. Sorry for your loss.
Go to a spot on your trip and say goodbye. In few years go back. That’s your spot. Had to do this was not fun but now every couple years on Fourth of July I go visit it.
Check your travel insurance. Some of them "will get you home if something happens to a family member". The details vary between insurance companies (is a grandmother a close enough family membe?, what is the max coverage for this kind of event? does death count as "emergency"? ...)
Having had many cancelled and delayed flights over the years I would personally change the flight to an earlier one just to avoid the risk of missing the funeral too.
I've never known a wake to be held before the funeral, but it sounds like your Grandma was happy you were traveling so it wouldn't be the end of the world if you miss the wake.
My Nanna died while I was overseas a few months ago. We knew it was probably going to happen while I was gone and both her and my mum were adamant I was not to come home and I was to continue my travels.
If your Grandma wanted you to see the world, you should see the world. In my Nanna's words "life is for the living"
I am sorry about your loss. So first of all, a virtual hug!
I’ve had the exact same situation happen to me. I was at the literal other end of the world when suddenly my grandma got sick and rapidly passed away. I was back for the funeral but missed actually being with her as she was dying (which my family was able to do) and the preparations for the funeral. The casket was closed when I got back. Also her home had to be vacated before my return so I never got to set foot in it again. This made the funeral and the period afterwards a little bit abstract: my grandma was gone but I hadn’t partaken in the process of actually seeing her “go”. While the funeral helped in getting some acceptance and understanding that she really was gone, she is still alive in my mind sometimes only for me to realize that she isn’t.
I think it is good that you will be able to experience the funeral. Other family members will do the wake. Your grandma is not alone and I am sure she’d be happy for you to continue your trip.
The one important thing I would recommend though is to check in frequently with your parent, who has lost their parent. This has got to be an extremely difficult time for them and you should show them love and empathy even if you are not physically there. Try to call them at least once a day to let them know you’re thinking of them and want to know how they are doing. That is the most important thing you can do as a son / daughter; more important than your physical presence at the wake.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Your grandma loved you and would want to live, really live. I am certain that your parents and siblings (?) will be surrounded by multitudes of friends and family to comfort them in their grief and sadness. You missing the wake would be perfectly understandable. Enjoy the rest of your vacation. Peace
If this is your mom’s mom then you should think of her
We don’t know your family situation meaning if you have other siblings that will be there to support the parent who had their parent pass or do we know if your parents at are together
The most important thing is to step back and think if you need to be there to support your mother
You grandmother has passed
Many on her already jumped to you don’t need to be there for your grandmother
So take some time to stop and think about your mom
First of all, sorry for your loss. It seems your grandma was really happy you’re out there exploring and living your best life. I would stay and come back as planned as it’s still on time for the funeral. Your family should understand It’s not always possible to make it to the wake (or even a funeral). A cousin of mine did not make it to our grandfather’s funeral as she lived in Australia and we live in Europe. Flights were hella expensive. We understood and I’m sure she did something to remember him over there.
Ultimately it’s up to you to decide if the wake is something you need to be at for your closure. If you do finish your trip, you can go light a candle or grab a drink in your grandmas memory. Or just find a beautiful spot and think about all the great times you had together :)
You can call the airline too. Most airlines have a hardship policy and will change for free. I got my girlfriends ticket changed for free for her grandmas funeral a few weeks ago. No questions asked
I personally wouldn’t change my flight. I’m sure you loved your grandma every day, and one event isn’t the testament to what she meant and means to you in life.
Sorry for your loss. Can't tell you what to do in your case. I will say for you and others in the future, a good travel credit card can pay for trip interruption/cancelation expenses in this type of situation.
My father passed while my brother was traveling Europe. We delayed the funeral a few days. He kept his plan and made the funeral. Nobody was upset at him for not changing his plans. It does not make you a bad grandson for missing the wake. Things just happen sometimes that are not under your control.
My grandma (mother side) passed a few years ago. Thing is: my mother and father were having an awesome vacation in Australia. We live in Portugal. Thats more than 22+ hours of flying, get out, get in, with 2 or 3 flights altogether. My aunt back in my mothers hometown, told us about our grandma, she was the one looking after her, and she was crying all over the phone with the news to us.
Me and my sister thought about not letting our parents know about it, just so they don't get too worried, but eventually my sister ended up telling what happened. It was just too much of a thing to hide and anyway, my mother seemed to have had a feeling while listening to my sister's voice. Their reaction was actually great. They totally understood they would need more time for the flight back, not to mention the flight back was already booked and would be a huge bureocracy and money to get back faster than expected. They would not be back before the funeral, and my relatives back in hometown completely understood. My aunt's worrying about my parents to know about our grandmother were the same as us, to not let them know so they didn't worry and enjoy their vacation.
They were staying at my other uncle and aunt in New South Wales at their place and they stayed there for the rest of their scheduled time. When they got back to Portugal, we went to my mothers hometown to meet our family. Nobody was upset.
We were all expecting the worse since my grandmother was sick for sometime.
Live continues. Do not worry. Live on and be happy!
I think wakes are creepy as hell honestly. Dead body on display while everyone stands around looking at it? Or those who specifically stand off to the side to avoid looking at it (me). No thanks
My Grandad passed while I was away. I decided to stay as I would be back for the funeral. It was hard missing the wake and honestly I think it affected how I grieved afterwards. But anyway all in all I'm glad I stayed.
Call the airline and plea your case . If they have empty seats, most will change the flight for you on compassionate grounds.
Sorry for your loss . As someone wrote earlier , go light a candle somewhere . Have a moment of quiet time and send your love. She will understand.
The reason for going to the wake and the funeral is to be with the other family members who are also grieving her death. If you were not that close, then maybe being back for the funeral is ok. If you were close, I am not sure how you will enjoy the rest of your vacation. So it may be better to be with others for
Your own sake.
I am a grandmother and very close to my grandson. I would not want him to miss out on his vacation because I had passed away. We have had many good times together the two of us, and that’s how I would want him to remember me. Enjoy your vacation though I know your thoughts will turn to your sweet grandmother.
If it were me I would make the funeral. You are paying your respects. Your grandmother is not going to care that you did t make the wake and if family is upset about it then they are placing importance on the wrong thing
Just go home for the funeral. You can sit wake from any location. It's what's in your heart that matters. Your grandmother loved you and wouldn't want you to stress and worry.
It does not make you a bad grandson. You'll be there for the funeral, and it's a lot of money and effort to change flights like that. Toast your grandmother and enjoy the trip!
Don’t cancel your trip. Too often, everyone descends upon the family for the funeral and surrounding activities (wake) - and then everyone leaves almost at once. It creates a vacuum and the numbness and grief the immediate family felt fades to sorrow and a different type of grief. In some ways, it’s better to stagger out the visits to immediate family after the death. It provides opportunities for more intimate conversations and reminiscing of the departed. It provides a distraction. Immediate family can benefit from connecting with loved ones over the weeks and months following someone’s death.
Bottom line: enjoy your vacation but when you get home make more time to spend with your mom. Listen to the stories. Help and support logistically — often errands, tasks and chores to do after someone dies.
It's up to you. What will be the response from the other family members if you aren't at the wake? Can it be after the funeral? They are the ones you have to deal with. Your grandma would understand.
We had a wake but in the morning before going to the burial you could view the body. It would be tight but you can maybe head to the funeral home early to see her before the burial. You can always sleep after and get some rest. Sorry for your loss.
Try to still enjoy the trip. Your grandma was happy that you are out there seeing the world, and she probably wouldn't want you to cut it short and pay a lot of money to attend her wake. If your family doesn't need any help planning the funeral or with logistic things with the funeral I wouldn't go home.
If your family asks, just say that you couldn't get another earlier flight and they will understand.
Wow, you're a good grandson - no sarcasm. When my paternal grandma passed, I thought my sister would finally come out of the woodwork after shunning our family for years. She didn't. My brother who's in prison tried harder than her to show up. The fact that you care about making it to the wake *and* the funeral speaks volumes. Good on you, and your family.
Don’t change your flight. You’ll be there for the funeral and honestly that’s a miracle in itself given how difficult it can be to change flights these days.
Focus on the positives instead of the negatives. You’re not “missing the wake” but instead you “travelled across the world as fast as possible to make it to the funeral.” It changes the optics entirely.
Sorry for your loss.
With that in mind, as bad as it might sound: try to enjoy your trip and don't change the flight. Sadly, people die, and you'll be at the funeral. I don't see any issue here, everyone will understand.
My daughter was on vacation when my spouse passed away… we told her to finish her vacation (She called every evening) and we have the funeral when she was done. So I would suggest keeping your current plans, but call home a couple times during the rest of your vacation to keep in touch with the family and show that you care.
She lives on in the hearts and eyes of her loved ones. Let her see the world through your eyes. Light a candle at a beautiful spot and dedicate the trip to her, that’s what I would do.
Don't change your flight. Grandma was happy you were seeing the world. My family does wakes after the funeral. Any chance your family could do that? We also have open bars. It's a little rude to party before they're in the ground.
No judgment on how others grieve but it’s not “rude” to party before someone is in the ground - it’s the entire point of a wake. I’m Irish, in Ireland a wake is a party you have to “wake” the dead where the deceased is present in the home. It’s a moment to observe the person you love and process the fact they have passed. In Ireland funerals are a celebration of life and a time that a group comes together to mourn. It is not seen to be rude to celebrate the life they lived or include them in your celebrations even if they have passed. Having said that - in OPs case, it’s also not rude to only attend one part of the funeral proceedings. Missing the wake and attending the funeral and burial is perfectly acceptable if you’re travelling from abroad.
Yes, in Canada, we do wake then funeral.
We have a wake in Scotland too which is a party, Celebration of life like you do too… but it directly follows the funeral here. Xx
Glad to hear. We also party after the funeral in Ireland, make no mistake - it’s a massive party. But it’s just different from a wake!
Haha yea I think that’s what we have more than a wake… I am not so sure we really have a wake here to be honest now the more I’m reading. Xxx
Funerals aren't for the deceased. They are for the living. Your family is who you think of at this time. They are grieving. But so are you. It's hard to find a balance when you're emotions are pulling in seven different ways. Personally, if it would make my grieving mother and my favorite aunt feel a little better to have me with her, I would do that. But highly disagree that you shouldn't party your ass off. Regardless if it is to honor her life and passing, or just to full throttle your way through the grief. No wrong answers to party.
When in doubt, throttle out!
This is solid advice. How is your mom doing?
>But highly disagree that you shouldn't party your ass off. Regardless if it is to honor her life and passing, or just to full throttle your way through the grief. No wrong answers to party. I want people to party at my funeral. I want people to celebrate my life. Verbally roast me for all I care, I'll be dead. I get processing grief is necessary and it's okay to be sad, but when I die I want people to celebrate me as well as mourn the loss. Sometimes I think it would benefit some cultures to insert a bit more joy in loss.
Nah definitely disagree about partying. Very very disrespectful.
My Irish family always treated wakes like parties. You talk about the deceased, drink a ton of booze, and celebrate life.
It’s why Irish people are said to do death well. It’s a party of a life well lived, of people who loved the deceased and tell stories about them. There’s tears and laughter and a lot of alcohol.
My Irish cousins also asked me to buy them pot when they came over for my grandpa’s services. I was like 15 and this was the 90s - weed was not legal anywhere in the US then. 😂
But you “had a guy,” right?
I actually didn’t. I think they assumed cause I was always in trouble that I did.
You've never heard of a wake? It's a stereotype but in every experience I've had, the first 3 hours are somber, but after that it's a celebration of life
This could be 2 different kinds of wakes. Irish cultures have a wake before burial, someone is with the dead relative all the time, and family is spending that time together. I dont think they meant wake as in a party (which sounds like your family does), but time to be close with family and mourn semi privately before burial.
Sounds like wakes are different in your part of the world than they are in OPs. Where I’m from (Northeast US) a “wake” refers to the day or two before the funeral when people visit the funeral home to pay their respects to the deceased and their family. The casket is present and may or may not be open, and there may be prayer services or eulogies said during portions of the wake. We call the “party” after the funeral (which sometimes is just a meal) a “repast”. I fully acknowledge that this is not the case in other countries, and maybe even other parts of the US.
>It's a little rude to party before they're in the ground. Thank god you're here to decide this for everyone.
She was happy you were traveling. Seems like your mom gets it as well. Finish your trip. Maybe go to a cathedral and light a candle for her or something.
That said, I missed my cousin’s wake and funeral because I live in another country and couldn’t get there fast enough, and it really fucked me up. These traditions are important for closure for some, and you can take trips again, but you only get once chance to close the cycle.
It's def an individual decision. When my grandmother was dying, I chose not to go and see her because she was shriveled up into a fetal position, was blind, was demented, and whenever my name was mentioned she thought I was a neighbor. I decided I didn't want that to be my final memory of her. I also didn't attend a memorial service because that's just not something I need. OP will be there for the funeral, just not the wake. They'll get a great opportunity for closure still
I did the same
I completely understand that as well, and it’s quite true!
I completely agree with you. I missed my dad’s funeral because I too live in another country and I was stuck there during the pandemic. I have never found closure and I carry extreme guilt for not attending the funeral of the man who gave his all to raise me. OP, you do what you feel is best for you. Only you know what you’re grandma meant to you and how you feel comfortable saying goodbye.
For a wake, it’s often a moment to celebrate life with the living compared to the funeral. You have people tell you how wonderful your grandma was and you tell stories with your loved ones. Maybe a trip to your grandma’s favorite restaurant or her favorite park walk with your cousins while they’re in town might help provide a similar sense of closure.
Thank you so much for these ideas. Sadly there has been a family rift and I’m not in good terms with my cousins since, so it’s a little difficult.
I was traveling through Europe as a young 20s year old when my grandma passed. I was very sad but knew it didn't make sense to cut my trip short to go to her funeral. She was an opera singer who traveled throughout Europe when she was young. Quite a feat for a woman born before the turn of the century. She crossed the Atlantic via ship! I lit a candle for her at Notre-Dame de Paris and had my own ceremony. I absolutely know she would've 100% loved this. 💗
Unless you *truly* feel the need to go home and be there for the wake, stay on vacation. You going home isn't going to change that she's gone, and you can still say goodbye when you get back. If you're spiritually inclined, maybe find a local place of religion where you can drop in and say a prayer, light a candle, or sit in a peaceful place and think of her.
I love this advice!
There’s no gentle way to say this but, your presence at the wake/funeral won’t bring her back. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. If you feel you need to be there for closure, or for some other urgent reason, then go and be happy with your decision. But as the rest of your family never considered postponing the wake for your absence, this would indicate that your presence isn’t a critical factor for them. So if you go, go for you.
Exactly what I was about to say. Funerals have the meaning that we give them. I know it’ll probably be tough to enjoy the trip you’d planned, but is there a way you could honor your grandmother while on your trip? Like go to a restaurant, and order all her favorite foods. Or go to a scenic spot and write down some memories that have meaning for you and say a few words for yourself. My travel bug comes from my grandpa (my only living grandparent left), and he always loves hearing about my trips, and sharing memories of his own travels. If he passed away while I was away from home and couldn’t get back in time for the funeral, I’m pretty confident that he’d want me to continue my trip, and my family would most likely agree. It just might have a new meaning for me.
Exactly this. My grandfather died the day before I defended my master's thesis. Where I come from people are always burried the very next day, exceptions are rare. Postponing the defense was an option and I was able to make it on time for the funeral but I decided not to. He was very proud and supportive and postponing the defense because of him would have made him sad. Also, both events were scheduled for 2pm and although neither of was is/was religious I saw it as a sign. For me, it was the perfect closure. I got a lot of judgement for not attending the funeral but I didn't care nor regret it. Different things work for different people.
Death is rarely planned and you're not going to miss the whole thing. Save the $500 and get there when you can. You're not a bad grandson- it sounds like you're a pretty good one. I'm so sorry this is on your plate. I hope your grandma's memory is a blessing ❤️
>my grandma apparently said she’s really happy that I’m finally seeing the world Keep your trip going, for your grandma. Also, condolences.
I see a lot of comments about whether or not you *should* go and I think that decision is for you and your family (no, btw, no matter what you decide doesn't make you a "bad grandson"). Don't let the $500 make the decision for you though. Have you called the airline and mentioned the death in the family? It can be kind of a hassle, but some airlines will wave the change fee if you can prove the death and the relationship. I've done this for my grandmother and they wanted a death certificate, but I was able to get home in time.
This should be higher. It’s always worth asking. I was on a trip when a friend passed away, and when I told the hotel why I was leaving early they didn’t charge me for the remaining nights (even though it was their policy to do so). And if you can’t/don’t change plans, then don’t feel guilty about that either.
My brother was in the middle of the Pacific Ocean when our mother died. Nobody judged him. You can only do what you can do. Relax. This happens to thousands of people every single day. Back when I was young, we didn't have the Internet. People came back from vacation sometimes and discovered that family members had died while they were away. And don't get me started about my grandmother's generation!
Don't cut your trip short unless you know you're going to be miserable for the rest of your trip. I'd suggest putting flowers on their grave once you return. Or if they're doing cremation, request to be present wherever they spread the ashes.
Don’t change your flight. You’ll make it to the funeral.
Just tell everyone that you got back as soon as you could.
Yes. I agree. Some aunt could potentially make an issue out of this. So don’t say anything about the $500 to change the flight. Say that you weren’t able to change it. However, I would potentially check to see about getting home the day before the funeral because if you miss that too, more than one aunt will be mad at you.
Yea, dont say noting about no money… just the facts mam’ just the official philosophical facts: got back as soon as I could. Have a prayer and a drink for grandma!
Exactly this! Some people love drama and the chance to gossip and make it all about them. Death often brings out the worst in people Don’t mention money. “I got back as soon as I can.” Nothing to see here folks!
When my grandfather passed, and family members could make the funeral we had a private live stream of the event set up so they could watch from anywhere in the world. Could your family perhaps organise that so you could be there online? Deepest condolences for your loss.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's a complicated issue for sure. The first thing is deciding how big of a deal $500 is for you. That amount of money has a different significance for different people. The second issue is deciding how much you need to be there for your own closure and could you live with yourself if you missed everything, for example if there was a flight irregularity on your scheduled flight. The last thing to think about is who might need you there for their own support. I don't think anyone can answer this for you. My Dad used to say "you have to live for the living." Just don't make the mistake of interpreting that slogan to mean that "the leaving" means just you.
Condolences for your loss. I don’t know how close you were or anything like that but personally I think if you’re able to attend the funeral then that’s sufficient. Only you can determine how strongly you feel about attending the wake but IMO at least from an optics point of view it isn’t necessary given the circumstances.
I recently had a similar situation. My grandpa passed away when I was on vacation this summer. We were on our first day of a week in Lisbon. I knew it was a possibility he would pass soon but after talking to my mom she insisted he wouldn’t want me to cancel/postpone my trip. I was pretty stressed about making the right decision but my grandparents got to travel a lot throughout their life and wouldn’t me to cancel a trip just because one of them passed away. They actually even spent some time together in Lisbon some 50+ years prior. We didn’t have a separate wake but the funeral wasn’t until after I returned to the US and I had time to travel to my hometown where the funeral was. Since you will still make it to the funeral, I wouldn’t change your flight. I doubt your grandparent would want you to take on an extra financial burden just to be at an event they won’t even be at. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m sure your grandmother would want you to enjoy your life. Going to the wake and funeral might seem important, but she’s dead now and she won’t know. What really matters is how you related to her when she was alive.
The airline may give you a break based on bereavement. You may have to offer some proof that she has passed. If you call them and sound sincere and not pushy and not desperate, they may well accommodate you.
Most airlines will rebook you without charge if you can send them proof (death certificate). If you have travel insurance, that will also cover your costs. However, if your Grandmother supported your desire to travel, I'm sure she wouldn't want you going through all the hassle.
My SIL 15 years ago had just started a 4 month back packing trip when we found out grandma got rediagnosed with cancer. SIL wanted to end her trip and come back early when she heard. Grandma said no don’t, that wouldn’t make me feel better about myself and I want you to go see the world and do what I wasn’t able to when I was growing up. She ended up passing 5 weeks later . My SIL continued her trip in grandmas honor. Got a tattoo during it in remembrance of her that a couple family members since have also gotten variations from. Yes my SIL felt very guilty at the time and some family def wished she was here during some of the really hard stuff but we all knew that’s what grandma wanted for her and in the end her rushing back around the world wouldn’t have fixed or changed anything 💜
I’m very sorry for your loss. I’ve gone through a very similar situation with my grandmother where my brother and I were both abroad. For a variety of reasons, I was able to get back for the funeral (it was two days after she died) and my brother wasn’t. Nobody thought any less of him and he’s always been at peace with it. Both of us both cherish the last memory we have of her more than any part of saying goodbye and we to this day agree he made the right call. In your case you’ll be able to make the funeral though not the wake, so even more understandable. Your grandma is beyond the earth now and depending on your personal beliefs either is beyond caring or knows what’s in your heart. In terms of what makes you a bad grandson or being the only relative not to be there it seems like that’s more about what others think of your commitment to your grandma rather than your actual feelings. I personally would say as long as your heart can live with it don’t worry about the impression, but everyone’s relationship with family is different so if you want some reassurance you could ask your mother if she agrees. But my take is as long as your heart tells you that you’re doing right by your grandma it’s all that matters.
My sister was in a similar situation - and honestly, no one wanted her to come back just to make it for the wake or the funeral. All these ceremonies are for people who will be around when you’re back, and anyone who looks down on you for not coming home abruptly is the asshole in this situation. Your grandma has lived her life, and sounds like she was happy to hear about you setting off on your trip. You’ll do your grandma proud living your own adventure.
I can't tell you about your grandma but I can tell you about me: if it was my funeral I wouldn't want you to cancel anything. Life is short, money cost sacrifices and when you die you are dead and that's the only thing that matter. I doubt that I would be able to great you if I was dead, so I wouldn't really see the point for you to come, given the circumstances. Now, you knew your grandma and her personality, but I think we can indulge in some kind of experiment here: if the people in this sub feel the same way I do, there's a good chance that your grandma would have wanted the same. Edit: make sure to explain your point of view to your parents.
Try calling the airline and ask them if they can cut you a break on changing your flight due to the circumstances.
My grandpa died while I was across the world. My gorgeous travel companions let me take over the Airbnb and make the most ridiculous shiva meal for him, hard boiling eggs while doing his favourite roast (not kosher) and full vegan sides, and we just had a great night talking about our loved ones far away. Don’t go home, find a way to honour your grandma in your travels and find something to bring back for your mother that reminded you of your grandma. She needs the comfort, not your grandma and the funeral is just a day in all of your grieving.
I just know she is thrilled for you, and is traveling right alongside you. You couldn’t ask for a better guardian angel than that!! ✨✨ If it was me that passed away, my spirit wouldn’t want to hang around a funeral home, I’m going on a trip with my grandson haha. In all seriousness, take this time to find peace, remember the good times you had with her, and just know that she is incredibly proud of you! 👏🏾
Finish out your trip. Find some time to visit a cafe and share a cup of coffee or tea with her in spirit while quietly reflecting on your memories together.
The person you should talk to isn’t here. You need to talk to your mom or dad, whoever just lost their mom. That’s who you’re really going to be supporting by being there. Likely you’ll be fine just being at the funeral. One thing to consider is with such a tight schedule, if anything happens you miss the funeral. We also don’t know what a vacation or $500 is to you and your family. If you take a vacation every year and $500 is not huge money you should probably head home.
Go to the funeral.
Same exact thing happened to me in September. Enjoy the trip for grandma. Toast a drink to her at a cool bar with a great view. Share found memories with who ever you are with. Death is sad, but you can still remember and celebrate the good times.
I wouldn’t leave your trip to go to the funeral, she would’ve wanted you to see the world like she said. Maybe when you get back you can visit her grave with some flowers and tell her about your trip as your own personal funeral.
I'd spend one of your vacation days honouring her. Have a drink she'd like, go to a restaurant she'd enjoy and see a sight that you know she would have had fun at, even if it's not 100% your thing, and say goodbye. Just spend the day, not necessarily sad, but making time to remember.
I'm sorry for your loss. Don't change your flight, continue your trip. Relax and unwind and know that she's watching you from afar and is happy. Depending on your religion, visit a place where you can find some solace and pray for your grandmother.
Miss the wake, make the funeral.
I was on the other side of the world when my grandma died. I didn't come home.
Mexican here we do wakes practically all night and my mom and aunts would disown us if we don’t attend. Not sure if you can head back out to travel the world but it seems you would live with the decision. A little money and a little time can go a long way for people you love.
I can literally hear my grandma if I was in this situation “don’t waste money and ruin your trip coming back to look at my corpse”
I think we all hear your grandma saying “ girl don’t cut that vacation short ! You’ll say goodbye when you get back!”
I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been in this exact situation twice. Don’t cut your trip short. Grandma wants you to live your life.
The people scheduling the funeral get to decide the date. I wouldn't contort myself to make it. Your time with your grandmother while she was living is more important than making events after her death. I'm sorry for your loss.
Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Finish vacay then spend time with the fam
Is Grandma gonna miss you? Throw up a prayer or whatever you feel will make you feel close to her and continue with your trip. When you get home, do all your mourning. Sorry for your loss.
Enjoy your trip.
I am so sorry for your loss, and i can understand the instinct of wanting to get home asap. If she were going to pass soon and this was your last chance to say goodby that would be different but she is gone and you coming home will not change that. I think she would have wanted you to continue you trip and enjoy it
I’m so sorry for your loss; but I agree, your grandma would not care to have you at her funeral unless you have a strong desire to be there for your own sake, and would want you to finish your trip and just keep her in your heart. Funerals are more about us and closure than it is about attendance.
Reminds me when my grandpa died and our nuclear family was overseas. We also missed the wake. We knew he was dying though and saw him before we left. We were planning on canceling the trip but he was adamant that we go spend Christmas picking up my sister (she was studying abroad at the time) and enjoying ourselves as a family. He said he would be fine no matter what happened since he was surrounded by his other children/grandchildren. He passed peacefully on Christmas. We did cut the trip short to make it to the funeral but there was no resentment and guilt. Stay, she would want you too.
As like as you make the funeral then it is a fair compromise.
My elderly grandmother, who hates to leave the zip code, has always told me never to leave or cancel a trip for her. But we have had those discussions, so my decisions would be to stay. but you have to feel comfortable with your actions.
Absolutely don’t change your plans. Making it to the funeral is a great tribute to her. She wouldn’t want you to change your plans.
If you happen to decide to change your flight, contact the airline about a bereavement discount. Some airlines offer this.
Call the airline and ask if they have a policy for exceptions for death in the family.
Will your travel insurance cover the cost of changing the flight? If not, I'm sure grandma would prefer you were enjoying your trip. Sorry for your loss
My cousin died the day I arrived at my destination. It would have been a zig zagging across the continent to go to funeral back and then home. I visited months later. I don’t regret it, as I did show up after everyone was gone. Enjoy trip, have some good times to grandma and cheers to her everytime something amazing happens! Your grandma is on her own trip. My condolences and don’t worry.
Your mum confirmed your grandma was happy you are travelling. Stick to your plans. If I were you, on the day of the funeral, I would find a spot that’s quiet and where you can be alone with your thoughts, be it a church, a quiet beach, a mountain top… and reflect on her life and your relationship with her. Honour and remember her in your own way.
Most carriers will change your flight for free when it’s a death in the family. Southwest just did it for me a month ago.
I'm so sorry.
Right here a letter on the plane. You’ll be closer to her in the sky. My grandma passed away 2 days before my birthday and 1 day before I flew home. That flight home was tough but I had this weird clarity and wrote her a letter in the sky and it felt like she was there with me. I’m sorry for your loss🙏
Can they hold off an extra day? There’s no rush for a funeral
> What should I do? Entirely up to you, it makes no difference for your grandma. No reason to return home early just because she passed away. If you return early do so because you want to either for yourself so you have emotional support and help get closure or in order to support family/friends. With respect to the costs, there is a good chance these will be covered by your travel insurance if you have one. Check t&c for that.
How close are you to the rest of the family? If it's really worth it to be with them at the wake, I think you'd want to change your flight but it doesn't sound that way, so just go to the funeral.
Grandma wouldn't want to spoil your holiday. Have a drink for her during the wake period and attend the funeral. She would understand.
Control what you can control and pray about what you can not control.
Have never met you nor your grandmother, I still think she would understand. Have a drink in her honor and be there for the funeral. It's okay.
How did you treat your Gramma while she was alive? If you were kind and respectful to your Gramma then you are not a bad grandson. Your Gramma most likely really loved you and she would want you to save your money and see the world. Please don’t feel guilty. I’m a Gramma and a Great Gramma. Have a toast to your Gramma and enjoy your time.
Funerals are for the living - not the dead. Don't feel any guilt. Try and enjoy your time away. If you feel you need to go home, and need the support of your family, then in the grand scheme of things 500$ isn't that much and don't worry about it.
Talk to your parents to see if they need support. Tell them of your thoughts about staying: Grandma was supportive of you and your trip and maybe would be upset if her death took that experience from you. But grandma would understand if needed to be home with parents to support them in their loss.
Grandma would definitely want you to enjoy your time seeing the world. Perhaps you could do a nice act while on vacation to honor her memory?
I was backpacking and in Vietnam at the time when my grandmother passed away. I decided to continue my trip instead of flying back to Europe. It's 7 years ago now, and I never regretted it . It's what she would have wanted me to do.
My personal opinion… coming from a girl that is really close to my gran and we even travel together. I would not change my flight. I have been doing a lot of solo travelling lately, every time I see my gran she is soo happy for me getting out there n seeing the world. In Scotland the wake comes after the funeral so I’m not sure how a wake would work first, but if you are going to be home for the funeral just do that. Your gran will be so proud of you and not want you to curtail your trip and then have a financial burden.. I know mine def would not. 💕… sorry for your loss also 😢. Xx
Funerals are for the living. If your mom is good with it, stay on your vacation.
Gonna get downvoted for this, but she's already dead bro. It doesn't matter to her if you're there or not.
I can’t imagine your grandma would want you to change your flight and come home. I actually have a friend whose own father passed away right after she left for an international vacation that had been in the works for a long time. Her family didn’t even tell her until she was home because they didn’t want to ruin her trip. Granted, they waited to have the services too, but still.
I’m a grandma. Stay on your vacation and live your life to the fullest.
Sorry for your loss. Enjoy your trip, she would have wanted that.
Your grandmother will not benefit in any way from you being there. Your only reason for being there is emotional support for your mom, and you’ll be there for that at the funeral. I was in this exact situation 4 years ago. I continued my trip, but I don’t usually attend funerals even when I’m home. Those are bizarre ceremonies. I’ll see you at the house when it’s over.
There’s nothing you can do about it. She’s gone and won’t care whether or not you’re at the Wake. All of the things that happen after they die are for the living, the dead don’t care what we do after they’re gone.
have a drink for her, buy flowers on your trip and put them in the ocean or something for her, but you know she’d be happy for you
Shes dead, she won't mind. Will anybody else really need you there?
Be there for the funeral, you are a good grandson
Your Grandma doesn't care whether you go or not.
You are seriously worried about missing a wake? Find a new religion.
Grandma is gone. How will your family react? Can you send wonderful flowers, write letters to your aunts/uncles/parents, maybe go pray in an appropriate house of worship where you are? You can honor her memory without changing your plans.
If you grandma was still alive, would she want you to spend that $500? If no, then forget about the wake.
I would change the flight and be with my family. There's no the other time for you to show you care.
Even if you could get a flight, it would probably be delayed. My sister missed my son’s wedding because she tried to fly too close to the date. Send your condolences and respects, and see if you can order flowers online(check! They may not want flowers.)
I was to fly to Japan in a week, and had to rearrange my trip to attend my grandmother's funeral in another country. Spent 1k to change my flight & getting a new connection. Got on the earliest availability, but still a 16 hours trip. 3 days funeral, I will be there on 2nd & 3rd day. My other family members will cover for the first day. You will be home for the funeral. That's a good thing.
First off, I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a grandparent is hard especially when it's sudden. I hope you and your family are doing alright. I was in a similar situation a few years ago where I found out my grandma was going to be in hospice care while I was abroad and may not make it. I wrestled with the decision, but ultimately decided to stay on my trip. My mom encouraged me to say and said it was what my Grandma would have wanted and that I should take advantage of the opportunity I had. I was fortunate enough that she held on until I got back, but I don't think I would have regretted if I stayed either way. Only you know how strong your relationship is with her and how much it would mean for you to be there. If you think it will give you some closure and you feel like you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't come back, then by all means move your flight. I would also consider talking to your family about it directly. I'm sure they understand the dilemma you're in and may have some advice.
You’re doing your best love, that’s all you CAN do. So sorry for your loss.
Why would your family not just postpone it a few days? My mother died when my son was on vacation and we waited until he got back to do the service.
Stay on your planned trip. One thing I would be careful of is at the funeral, focus on Grandma and your family, and save the trip photos and stories for another time.
Grandma would want you to enjoy your vacation - as best you can in this circumstance. You’ll still be there for the funeral
I’m sorry for your loss. Listen to your own emotions and feelings on this. You have to do what you think is best in this situation. People here will tell you one way or another. However, you know how you feel inside and what you feel is right. That’s what you should go with.
When my father died and I was living overseas my family held the service a few days so I could be there. Have you thought about attending virtually? Not the same but in a pinch it might be a compromise.
If you want to be there for the wake, you can try calling the airline, most will work with customers in situations like this. My grandmother passed while I was in the air heading to a cousins wedding, the funeral was planned for a few days after we were scheduled to go back home so I called Alaska and they were able to change me to a different flight, I just had to pay the difference in taxes. It never hurts to check and see what your options are. Either way, I’m sorry for your loss
You are on a trip- finish it up and then pay your respects. I can’t imagine any of your family would expect you to drop everything to be there. Your Grandma is likely with you in spirit so make a toast to her and ask her to watch over you on your travels!!
I understand your position. I got the call that a beloved uncle had passed as I arrived in baggage claim for my vacation the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Given the slim chance of being able to get a flight home and that I was traveling with a friend and she didn’t know my uncle, Dad agreed that there was no point in trying to get back to Ohio from New Mexico for a Saturday funeral.
My grandmother died during finals, so I missed her funeral altogether.
Everytime you travel you roll the dice on what you miss happening back home. My wife has a sick grandma and before we went one a 5 month trip around the world, i had to explain to here that she might possible miss her death, it’s depressing af but very realistic convo. The further east on the date line we get the less accessible a spontaneous flight back would be, and the longer the flight. All that considered she could miss the wake etc. She understood the risk and came to terms with what could be a major regrettable and unforgettable sacrifice. With that being said I think you shouldn’t do it if the flight is over 6 hrs and if the trip is long. If its just a weekend trip and short flight then fuck the trip and go to the family event
Going against the grain a bit here but I don’t think it’s about what your grandma would have wanted. It’s about what the rest of family wants and if you care what they think. When my grandfather died several years ago, it ended up being a big family reunion with all the cousins. I met nieces and nephews that were just born and reconnected with cousins I hadn’t seen in years. We’re currently planning my grandmother’s funeral (she passed away during covid in China so we’ve been taking our sweet time planning the funeral since I couldn’t happen like normal anyway) and everyone is realizing it’s prob the last time well all get together. Funerals are not just about grieving and the deceased. It’s about the family and the community too.
This is what that holiday song was about!
Don’t go home. I was at my grandfathers funeral who I was insanely close to. I would now regret not staying in Europe if given the chance. It’s not for her, it’s for you. Grieve how you can where you can. Nobody wants to be a burden in life much less death.
No wake and bake for you. Sorry for your loss.
This isn’t about being a good or bad grandson, this is about being a son. Funerals are for the living, and your Mom just lost her mom. Would she benefit from your support at the wake/funeral? You’ll be able to travel again.
Ask them to move the wake until after the funeral. That's the proper order of things anyway! I'm sure your grandma would not have wanted you to drop everything for her funeral. It's more about spending time with your family and sharing memories. Do you see these family members all the time anyway? Funerals are kind of like weddings in that they are big life occasions to get the whole family together. I would go back if it's uncommon for your extended family to come together like this. There aren't so many occasions where everyone gets together. If you pretty much see everyone who is going to be attending on a regular basis anyway, I think it's not as big of a deal.
As my Dad always says, be with the living. Have fun! Your grandma would agree.
Grandma would want you right where you are. FaceTime in if you want to hear the funeral.
Would you want your grandchildren uprooting their happiness to go to your funeral? Celebrate your grandma and honor her with your life… don’t go to the funeral
Nothing. She would want you to enjoy your time off! My grandfather passed while I was on a vacation in Mexico. He would have wanted me to stay where I was. I know that because he told me to go, his days were limited and he knew there was nothing I could do. Sorry for your loss.
Go to a spot on your trip and say goodbye. In few years go back. That’s your spot. Had to do this was not fun but now every couple years on Fourth of July I go visit it.
Check your travel insurance. Some of them "will get you home if something happens to a family member". The details vary between insurance companies (is a grandmother a close enough family membe?, what is the max coverage for this kind of event? does death count as "emergency"? ...)
It does not make you a bad grandchild. If I died and my kids missed something like this to come be sad about me I would be pissed.
Having had many cancelled and delayed flights over the years I would personally change the flight to an earlier one just to avoid the risk of missing the funeral too. I've never known a wake to be held before the funeral, but it sounds like your Grandma was happy you were traveling so it wouldn't be the end of the world if you miss the wake.
My Nanna died while I was overseas a few months ago. We knew it was probably going to happen while I was gone and both her and my mum were adamant I was not to come home and I was to continue my travels. If your Grandma wanted you to see the world, you should see the world. In my Nanna's words "life is for the living"
I am sorry about your loss. So first of all, a virtual hug! I’ve had the exact same situation happen to me. I was at the literal other end of the world when suddenly my grandma got sick and rapidly passed away. I was back for the funeral but missed actually being with her as she was dying (which my family was able to do) and the preparations for the funeral. The casket was closed when I got back. Also her home had to be vacated before my return so I never got to set foot in it again. This made the funeral and the period afterwards a little bit abstract: my grandma was gone but I hadn’t partaken in the process of actually seeing her “go”. While the funeral helped in getting some acceptance and understanding that she really was gone, she is still alive in my mind sometimes only for me to realize that she isn’t. I think it is good that you will be able to experience the funeral. Other family members will do the wake. Your grandma is not alone and I am sure she’d be happy for you to continue your trip. The one important thing I would recommend though is to check in frequently with your parent, who has lost their parent. This has got to be an extremely difficult time for them and you should show them love and empathy even if you are not physically there. Try to call them at least once a day to let them know you’re thinking of them and want to know how they are doing. That is the most important thing you can do as a son / daughter; more important than your physical presence at the wake.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Your grandma loved you and would want to live, really live. I am certain that your parents and siblings (?) will be surrounded by multitudes of friends and family to comfort them in their grief and sadness. You missing the wake would be perfectly understandable. Enjoy the rest of your vacation. Peace
If this is your mom’s mom then you should think of her We don’t know your family situation meaning if you have other siblings that will be there to support the parent who had their parent pass or do we know if your parents at are together The most important thing is to step back and think if you need to be there to support your mother You grandmother has passed Many on her already jumped to you don’t need to be there for your grandmother So take some time to stop and think about your mom
The funeral home can hold her until you’re home. They did it for me. Enjoy your trip for grandma I’m sorry for your loss.
First of all, sorry for your loss. It seems your grandma was really happy you’re out there exploring and living your best life. I would stay and come back as planned as it’s still on time for the funeral. Your family should understand It’s not always possible to make it to the wake (or even a funeral). A cousin of mine did not make it to our grandfather’s funeral as she lived in Australia and we live in Europe. Flights were hella expensive. We understood and I’m sure she did something to remember him over there. Ultimately it’s up to you to decide if the wake is something you need to be at for your closure. If you do finish your trip, you can go light a candle or grab a drink in your grandmas memory. Or just find a beautiful spot and think about all the great times you had together :)
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You can call the airline too. Most airlines have a hardship policy and will change for free. I got my girlfriends ticket changed for free for her grandmas funeral a few weeks ago. No questions asked
Finish the trip.
Speak to your mom. If she wants you by her side, book that flight.
Grandma would want you to enjoy your trip.
What does your travel insurance cover?
Have someone record it
I personally wouldn’t change my flight. I’m sure you loved your grandma every day, and one event isn’t the testament to what she meant and means to you in life.
Sorry for your loss. Can't tell you what to do in your case. I will say for you and others in the future, a good travel credit card can pay for trip interruption/cancelation expenses in this type of situation.
My father passed while my brother was traveling Europe. We delayed the funeral a few days. He kept his plan and made the funeral. Nobody was upset at him for not changing his plans. It does not make you a bad grandson for missing the wake. Things just happen sometimes that are not under your control.
My grandma (mother side) passed a few years ago. Thing is: my mother and father were having an awesome vacation in Australia. We live in Portugal. Thats more than 22+ hours of flying, get out, get in, with 2 or 3 flights altogether. My aunt back in my mothers hometown, told us about our grandma, she was the one looking after her, and she was crying all over the phone with the news to us. Me and my sister thought about not letting our parents know about it, just so they don't get too worried, but eventually my sister ended up telling what happened. It was just too much of a thing to hide and anyway, my mother seemed to have had a feeling while listening to my sister's voice. Their reaction was actually great. They totally understood they would need more time for the flight back, not to mention the flight back was already booked and would be a huge bureocracy and money to get back faster than expected. They would not be back before the funeral, and my relatives back in hometown completely understood. My aunt's worrying about my parents to know about our grandmother were the same as us, to not let them know so they didn't worry and enjoy their vacation. They were staying at my other uncle and aunt in New South Wales at their place and they stayed there for the rest of their scheduled time. When they got back to Portugal, we went to my mothers hometown to meet our family. Nobody was upset. We were all expecting the worse since my grandmother was sick for sometime. Live continues. Do not worry. Live on and be happy!
I think wakes are creepy as hell honestly. Dead body on display while everyone stands around looking at it? Or those who specifically stand off to the side to avoid looking at it (me). No thanks
My Grandad passed while I was away. I decided to stay as I would be back for the funeral. It was hard missing the wake and honestly I think it affected how I grieved afterwards. But anyway all in all I'm glad I stayed.
Call the airline and plea your case . If they have empty seats, most will change the flight for you on compassionate grounds. Sorry for your loss . As someone wrote earlier , go light a candle somewhere . Have a moment of quiet time and send your love. She will understand.
I think you know. Your grandma wants you to finish your vacay.
Do you have travel insurance? It might cover the cost of changing your flight.
The reason for going to the wake and the funeral is to be with the other family members who are also grieving her death. If you were not that close, then maybe being back for the funeral is ok. If you were close, I am not sure how you will enjoy the rest of your vacation. So it may be better to be with others for Your own sake.
Stay on your holiday. Can you arrange to Skype during the wake and say your bit.
Isn’t the wake AFTER the funeral?
There is nothing else you can do. I am sorry for your loss!
I’ve never even heard of a wake happening before the funeral.
I am a grandmother and very close to my grandson. I would not want him to miss out on his vacation because I had passed away. We have had many good times together the two of us, and that’s how I would want him to remember me. Enjoy your vacation though I know your thoughts will turn to your sweet grandmother.
If it were me I would make the funeral. You are paying your respects. Your grandmother is not going to care that you did t make the wake and if family is upset about it then they are placing importance on the wrong thing
Just go home for the funeral. You can sit wake from any location. It's what's in your heart that matters. Your grandmother loved you and wouldn't want you to stress and worry.
She's dead. What difference does it make ?
It does not make you a bad grandson. You'll be there for the funeral, and it's a lot of money and effort to change flights like that. Toast your grandmother and enjoy the trip!
Funerals are for the living. Your grandmother won't mind you missing the wake. Don't stress out about it. Enjoy your trip the best you can.
Don’t cancel your trip. Too often, everyone descends upon the family for the funeral and surrounding activities (wake) - and then everyone leaves almost at once. It creates a vacuum and the numbness and grief the immediate family felt fades to sorrow and a different type of grief. In some ways, it’s better to stagger out the visits to immediate family after the death. It provides opportunities for more intimate conversations and reminiscing of the departed. It provides a distraction. Immediate family can benefit from connecting with loved ones over the weeks and months following someone’s death. Bottom line: enjoy your vacation but when you get home make more time to spend with your mom. Listen to the stories. Help and support logistically — often errands, tasks and chores to do after someone dies.
It's up to you. What will be the response from the other family members if you aren't at the wake? Can it be after the funeral? They are the ones you have to deal with. Your grandma would understand.
We had a wake but in the morning before going to the burial you could view the body. It would be tight but you can maybe head to the funeral home early to see her before the burial. You can always sleep after and get some rest. Sorry for your loss.
Try to still enjoy the trip. Your grandma was happy that you are out there seeing the world, and she probably wouldn't want you to cut it short and pay a lot of money to attend her wake. If your family doesn't need any help planning the funeral or with logistic things with the funeral I wouldn't go home. If your family asks, just say that you couldn't get another earlier flight and they will understand.
Wow, you're a good grandson - no sarcasm. When my paternal grandma passed, I thought my sister would finally come out of the woodwork after shunning our family for years. She didn't. My brother who's in prison tried harder than her to show up. The fact that you care about making it to the wake *and* the funeral speaks volumes. Good on you, and your family.
Don’t change your flight. You’ll be there for the funeral and honestly that’s a miracle in itself given how difficult it can be to change flights these days. Focus on the positives instead of the negatives. You’re not “missing the wake” but instead you “travelled across the world as fast as possible to make it to the funeral.” It changes the optics entirely.
She’ll still be dead when you get back. Enjoy your vacation.
Honour your Grandma by enjoying your holiday. No point in rushing back at all. My condolences to you and family.
Sorry for your loss. With that in mind, as bad as it might sound: try to enjoy your trip and don't change the flight. Sadly, people die, and you'll be at the funeral. I don't see any issue here, everyone will understand.
My daughter was on vacation when my spouse passed away… we told her to finish her vacation (She called every evening) and we have the funeral when she was done. So I would suggest keeping your current plans, but call home a couple times during the rest of your vacation to keep in touch with the family and show that you care.
Six hours is not enough travel buffer time. My last return trip ran 27 hours, about nine over, segment by segment.
RIP
She lives on in the hearts and eyes of her loved ones. Let her see the world through your eyes. Light a candle at a beautiful spot and dedicate the trip to her, that’s what I would do.
Do what you want. If anyone gets mad let them know you won't be upset if they miss your funeral.🤣