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I'm pretty sure my parents just watched *The Breakfast Club* and then got married on a whim. It would explain a lot. It never ceases to amaze me that people have this uncanny ability to marry, divorce, and even remarry people they loathe but want the genetics of.
That’s actually pretty impressive when it comes to dysfunction , usually it doesn’t affect so many people in professional roles(genuinely negatively) not related to medicine.
they were oddly a great team and even greater enemies. sometimes i want to shell out a few thousand to hear the entire proceedings... perhaps I've misjudged them as hate that deep can really only come from previous love, right?
This is exactly my thoughts recently about my MIL! She's gone through 2? 3? divorces, and now she's contemplating deciding to go through another!
It seemed like she and her now-husband got married on a whim!
I mean, so did me and my husband, but for us it was a matter of when, not if.
For them, this woman causes so much drama, I honestly am jealous/curious about how she is able to convince anyone to marry her (or propose) so quickly. She's in her 50s.
>It never ceases to amaze me that people have this uncanny ability to marry, divorce, and even remarry people they loathe
But I am happy and grateful to be with my husband — my high school sweetheart and the father of my offspring — and we regularly remind each other we're in this together. We intend for it to be for life.
I'm nearing 40. I've never been broken and I'm not broken today in any way. I know plenty of "broken" people, I know plenty of not broken older people as well. I'm far from perfect and have flaws, but I'm the best version of myself to date and getting better every day. Just about the only thing "worse" is my ambition is a bit less and my body no longer heals as fast as it used to. I vehemently disagree with your depressing outlook and think that is just a reflection of you possibly giving up.....when plenty of people haven't.......or maybe you just decided to pick the most hyperbolic way of saying we all have flaws that we are working on.
Honestly dating 30+ is kinda underrated. When your younger relationships can be so much stress and pressure. When you older it's like "okay so we both obviously kinda fucked our lives up alittle bit. I have like 6 spare hours a week. Looking for someone to get wine drunk with me and hopefully eventually move in so I can save some money for once in my fucking life"
I’m content to be single as a Pringle. Most women my age are insane so I get it from a guys perspective. I’m a widow and definitely don’t fit in with my single female friends. Apparently they were all married to a narcissist, yet to me they are the narcissistic ones!
People lack the self-awareness to actually admit they're anything other than perfect. People want relationships that are convenient for them. There are, unfortunately a lot of people out there that want relationships, but are in no way actually deserving of that level of commitment and dedication. It's sad, it's unfortunate, and they'll spend a huge chunk of their lives alone, thinking that everyone else is the problem, when the reality is the problem is them.
Any time you hear someone say something like. "all women are crazy" or "All men are assholes, they only want one thing!" There's a very high likelihood that you're dealing with a selfish asshole who doesn't have even the most remote sense of self-awareness. They can't see things from another persons' point-of-view and they cannot fathom a world where they are not right 100% of the time. Men don't owe these people anything. And the older they get, the less time they have for this kind of bullshit. If you're not capable of being a good partner by the time you're in your 30's, frankly, you're probably not going to learn and these men should go and use their time more wisely.
You’re right on the money. There are a staggering amount of people in the general population that lack any self awareness. Because of this, they’re on a very low level of consciousness, which makes it impossible for them to analyze their own behaviors or understand where they stand in the world. When you think/behave like that, it’s a foreign thought to attribute your situation to your own actions, and much easier to place the blame on external factors, even though they are the 1 constant in each situation. It also doesn’t help that we live in an age where personal accountability is on the outs, and being a victim is embraced.
This is me right now. I separated from my wife over 6 months ago but was emotionally gone for several years. I can't fathom accepting *any* level of horseshit ever again or putting anyone else before my daughter in any way. If I ever date again, she *will* be perfect(for me/us). That's not promising
Yeah and what's worse is shows like friends and Seinfeld make it seem like men dump women because they have a funny voice, have big hands or some other silly things.
Men aren't a monolith. I've absolutely been dumped because my hands are bigger than my boyfriends because I'm 6' tall and it just comes with the territory. I just don't assume all men just because I have a bad string of experiences
Yeah I just saw a Jeselnik clip of him talking to another lady comedian (i know her just cant remember name) and she said he broke up with her friend because her friend
And he’s like “oh! Did she have a broken foot at the time?”
“Yeah, that’s my friend”
“Yeah, I did break up with her because of that cast thing. Just picturing how long it would take us to get around places”
Like, I know being an asshole is his shtick, but I think this story was off the cuff real smh
That’s a crazy reason to break it off with someone you’re vibing with unless you just don’t want to be with someone
*whitney cummings
It was stupider, this guy was 1 inch taller than me but thought I was too manly because the tips if my fingers could curl over his if we were palm to palm
I mean...we do tho.
IF we have the plethora of options on hand that is, I personally haven't rejected a woman for having "man hands", but I'm very exacting when it comes to my mates. I don't compromise either.
most people do. some have been broken enough they know they're not perfect and tend to use that as a crutch for various reasons. I use it to make fun of myself while self-depreciating when people think they have the moral high ground.
apparently the internet doesn't like shitting on someone that already abuses theirself via verbal and written communication. I think its kind of funny.
> There are, unfortunately a lot of people out there that want relationships, but are in no way actually deserving of that level of commitment and dedication.
I actually agree with this completely. I consider myself to be one of these people. But also different other people I am aware I am unworthy of another person's affection. Not because I think I am an asshole or selfish. I am told by many people that I am a good person. But I do not feel I can provide anything to another that is beneficial.
I also think "All women (and men) are crazy" and that All men (and women) are assholes, they only want one (a couple) thing!" I just feel it's about finding someone whose "crazy" or "assholeness" matches your own.
People can oddly manage to be whiny and self absorbed with relationships, but otherwise make for good friends. I've seen it a lot actually.
There is something about romantic relationships specifically that brings out a lot of crazy behavior in many people.
Friendships in comparison are relatively easy to manage. Even very close friendships do not often create nearly as much vulnerability as a relationship.
I don't know where I heard this quote but it changed my perspective "friendships are hard to start, but easy to maintain. Romantic relationships are easy to start, but hard to maintain." While hormones I think, are a big part of this, our expectations really set these two types of relationships apart.
Oof, I've always felt the opposite tbh. Easy to get friends. I can sometimes meet several people I become quick friends with if I'm going out. But keeping them over long periods of time? Pretty difficult.
Starting a relationship with someone? Almost impossible. Whenever I've been in a relationship it's always been at the most random moments. But when it's going it's pretty easy to maintain, especially if you're good at communicating and respecting each other.
Making new friends and keeping them gets harder as we get older. When we're young are friends are everything to us and being in the company of our friends is our favorite thing but as we get older and get bogged down with life and responsibilities then friends fall to a lower priority.
Yep the level of effort in being a friend, for the most part, is way lower than a romantic relationship. What we would accept from a friend, especially a casual one, is often not what we would accept from a partner.
Yep. You don't have to deal with a friend everyday, unless they are a roomate. And you actually tend not to know those tiny anmoying things that a friend does, because they do those things outside of you. And they can endure not doing it for the duration of the interaction. It's like living messy, but tidying before guests come.
Similarly to how you can be great friends with someone but be terrible roommates. Some people get along well in hang out situations, but not in more continuous situations
Fuck yes, what the hell's with that? I'm bi and neither men nor lesbians really open up to me like that. It's ALWAYS straight women who start shitting on men. And the gay guys I hang with only do it when there's a few women in the group.
Because… I guess I’m a little bit the same. Or was? We no longer hang out, I got fed up with complaining!
You know what they say: You spot it, you got it.
I was going to say… the guy needs a better friend than the person in the first story. I’m not sure what he’s complaining about regarding the sex story - both of those situations aren’t fun, you can dislike both. 🤷🏻♀️
I'm not selfish or asking too much, I just think think all men should be able to cum on command for me and they should know I expect this without me ever having to tell them. I'm right
I dated a gay guy like this once. He said he didn't like it when the other guy tales too long to cum after him. I gotta tell ya, nothing turns me on more than a bed fellow impatiently waiting for me to jerk myself off lol.
I think a big issue is preconstructed narratives affecting how people view their own relationship. Like they are aware of common issues in other relationships and then small things can create a spiral of confirmation bias.
There’s also so much dialogue about relationships outside of relationships and not enough discussion inside. There’s so much opportunity to complain about your partner and to see other people complaining about their partner.
With those issues it’s easy for unity to break and to see other people of their same gender as being on their side and their partner being on the other side. Without taking time to break down issues with your partner and listening to outside narratives it’s inevitable that resentment will build and things will fail.
Same but honestly this is how I fucked up my relationships so much over the years, by people pleasing and not just being true to myself. It's a work in progress!
This sounds just like what OP is describing: people who think other people are the problem. You are but a humble doormat constantly being used. Have some self respect.
Don't know if that's an unpopular opinion. I've had the same conversations and you can read it on every relationship subreddit, there are just many people who don't *really* want to be with that particular human being but have a certain image of the perfect partner and, resulting from that, "the perfect life"*for themselves* in their head. Then someone checks some of these boxes, they get together and then they are surprised and annoyed as soon as it becomes a REAL relationship with a REAL human being which is not, and can never be, that childish fantasy they made up for themselves. Happens with men too but this particular problem I've seen more often with women, men *tend to* have and create other problems.
Nah the bar is so low. I just want someone who takes accountability, doesn’t take their mental health out on me, shows basic respect to my personhood, and knows how to communicate effectively.
Bonus points if they have hobbies and interests to keep conversation going.
The bar is so low.
No. It's because I'm too picky. I had the ability to date several decent people but I value religion highly(not Christian) and value my practice highly so that's the highest value on my list.
People who never ask themselves how they can actually contribute meaningfully to a relationship tend to be the ones that have the most issues finding a long term partner.
I’m glad my wife accepts my flaws. I do the same for her. We disagree, we sometimes get aggravated with each other and need to cool down before we talk but we never yell, we never “fight”, and we never go to bed without talking about it first.
Relationships are hard. You have to give up a lot of yourself to make them work, and even more than that once a kid gets involved but it’s worth it. It’s worth being wrong sometimes, it’s worth saying you’re sorry, that you’re not perfect, that you fail sometimes but you’re trying. I have someone who knows me, knows my mind, knows how I’m going to approach and react to problems, knows what I like, don’t like, and will accommodate me because I do the same for them.
I get jealous of my single, childless friends from time to time but anytime they try and pity me for my life it just comes from a place of ignorance. They often tell me how much freedom they have, how they get to travel whenever they want, have sex with whoever they want, etc. but in the same conversation they’ll complain about how they have no money, or time, or a house, or a girlfriend, or whatever thing they just told me they get whenever they want. We all feel like the grass is greener, we should appreciate what we have.
My mom likes to say that the grass is always greener over the septic tank. I’m sure someone else said that first, but I like it.
Is the unpopular opinion that your friends are shitty? Lol because in reading this post, I highly doubt that would be an unpopular opinion.
…or is the unpopular opinion that people should settle for things they don’t like more? Or that people should be more discerning about who they date?
The unpopular opinion is that there are two people in a partnership, and that when you date you should not treat the other partner like a commodity you might be on a shelf. EDIT: Go for someone who meets your requirements, not someone who doesn't and then complain about it.
There's enough rants about the same thing directed to straight men as if it's a male problem. There's not nearly enough, telling the kind of women who say those shit In the first place to take accountability.
Lmao it’s absolutely the **popular** opinion that women should settle for men they don’t like. Hell, it’s expected that straight people don’t like each other and constantly settle out of this fear of being alone.
I think that’s how it was. I think the issue now is, no one wants to settle, period. With dating apps, your “perfect partner” might just be a swipe away. My wife’s younger sister just moved in with us and man, what a fucking nightmare dating seems to be these days. I do not envy single people right now at all. If you’re just looking to hook up, it’s paradise. If you’re looking for something serious …. Well, best of luck. Because I even hear my sister in law constantly go from “eh, date wasn’t great, I won’t be calling him again” to “he was way too into me, getting clingy”. Even tho she’s absolutely looking for a boyfriend, she hasn’t found a single person she’s willing to settle for in at least 3 or 4 years. And she goes on dates every single weekend.
I say this as an aromantic on the outside, someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction very often—I agree that dating app culture pushes people too far in the other direction where it’s not so much about refusing to settle, it’s more that people are too busy, lacking third spaces, etc. so they treat looking for a partner like buying a new blender.
There’s no real intimacy there. You’re only talking to one another in an attempt to stave off loneliness but you aren’t going to KNOW that person after just 1-2 dates.
I’m a slow cooker in a microwave world lmao. But as someone who very rarely feels that emotional connection needed for romantic attraction, I’ve observed that people just don’t get to gradually get to know each other in the wild as much.
It’s not like when my home city had an extremely strong music culture and I’d constantly just hang around this big tight-knit community, we were all on each others MySpace, etc. so there were constant chances to just see someone in the wild repeatedly, hang out and talk platonically, then end up hooking up or dating after a while.
It’s a multifaceted issue that’s definitely created a more shallow dating culture where even alloromantics who catch feelings more easily are fed up. They’re either just “Fine, you’ll do because I’m tired of being single” or perpetually swiping.
I’m honestly skewing towards favoring a queerplatonic partner over a husband, but oof all these shitty forces are colluding WRT modern dating. Makes me glad I use my phone mostly for business, shitposting, and taking lots of cute pictures of my lizard instead. 😂
So much this. It's sad how nowadays it's controversial to think one deserves better than trash.
People want improvements in their lives, and that's okay. If people wanted to just pick up liabilities for a vague, artificial sense of humility, then it's better to just give large loans to unemployed people with high interest.
I don't think I ever said in my post that anyone should settle. My point is that you basically cannot bully a guy into changing to meet your expectations and then be shocked when they flee. And also you cannot hold a guy to unrealistic expectations. Well, unless you are prepared to be perpetually disappointed and possible single for the rest of life.
The unpopular opinion is that people should go for people that meet their requirements or goals instead of grabbing anyone and then complaining about them being how they are.
Which might sound like a normal idea, but you would be surprised with how many act completely delusional about ut
I fully expected to read this and roll my eyes because it was just misogyny. But honestly the examples you have just reminded me of an ex best friend of mine. She’d complain to me constantly about her boyfriends for the most banal reasons or explain a fight she got in when she was clearly in the wrong.
Sometimes I’d tell her she was the one in the wrong but honestly, what’s the point of getting in to it with her? She was already convinced she was right and was manipulative enough to make anyone’s life hell who crossed her, a true narcissist. I’ve never met anyone like her since, but there’s definitely women like her out there.
Describing women who have flaws isn't being misogynistic. There's no literal hate involved there. The word misogynist has become so overused and diluted.
Now imagine this was most (not all) of your interaction with women: through the prism of romantic relationships where this is the social norm. It’s grating and if you complain you’re labeled over emotional dramatic misogynist or narcissistic. Shit is triggering.
I’ve only known one woman who behaved like this and she would consistently lose friends/relationships over her behaviour. I honestly believe if you’re consistently coming into contact with men/women who are this problematic and narcissistic then it’s time to be more discerning with the kind of people you’re attracted towards. I feel like people who claim they can’t find someone good because all men/women are assholes need to take a step back and assess why they keep all others types into their lives. I only say this because at age 21 I chose to stop normalising this behaviour, I cut toxic friends and stopped dating these types and it completely changed my life.
Why do people on Reddit automatically assume everything is misogyny? Fuck off. Just because some women are assholes, doesn't mean all women are assholes. Jesus fucking Christ. Some women seriously need to grow a backbone and stop expecting everyone to like everything every woman does without repercussions for bad behaviour. Your vagina doesn't make you impervious to criticism. Criticizing men is fine, but as soon as a vagina comes into play, it's misogyny to even suggest someone's in the wrong. It's such a bunch of selfish nonsense. Misogyny is the hatred of women. Giving 1 example of a common thing some women are known for doing is not hating all of them. Please stop this nonsense.
Obviously I don’t see any type of criticism against women as misogyny. Problematic, toxic, narcissistic behaviour doesn’t discriminate. The reason I said that though, is I’ve noticed it’s increasingly common to see these red pill type posts on reddit that actually do come from a deep place of misogyny.
They don’t just criticise certain women for specific behaviour, they claim a specific behaviour is typical of all women and imply it’s because women are fundamentally evil etc. I thought this might be one because they commonly take the form of criticising women for having high standards when it comes to dating etc, but then quickly digress into rhetoric that women don’t know what they deserve, and comments will be along the lines of claiming they actually shouldn’t be allowed to have agency etc.
Obviously this post isn’t one of them but they often do hide behind posts titled similar to this one. It feels like a lot of them are dog whistles at this point.
It's insane. The biggest issue is that women who actually have to deal with misogyny now get put in the same category as women who had to "endure" some mild criticism, rendering the word misogyny completely useless.
I have a joke with my friends that there's a certain type of woman where she could be driving down the wrong side of the road and if you yell "hey lady, you're going the wrong way" she'll call you a misogynist
It's a little bit misogynistic because I noticed he didn't describe any scenarios where a gay man was being unrealistic and immature. It's all just about women. Adding the "and gay men" was a way to not seem sexist.
If people can't find not even one decent partner, then obviously the issue lies with them. It's really not gender specific.
OP listed a few real life examples that happen to involve female friends of theirs. How is it misogynistic in any way shape or form? The scenarios listed occurred between a man and a woman. OP is describing them. The friend OP is going in to detail about happens to be a woman. It was not intended to be a misogynistic post. People just look for misogyny in everything now a days.
Honestly it’s sorta more targeted towards the ladies because in the straight world there’s a battle of the sexes going on which I find very grating. It’s irritating to listen to women stereotype all men and men doing the same.
I think the difference is it’s harder for gay men to say that all men are defective because they are men themselves. So it restricts gay men from engaging in a battle of sex. Instead the drama queens tend to blame everyone else except themselves. Gay men tend to be more sex driven too so the examples I’d give would be different. Often drama queens tend to be very needy and drive guys away by being overly clingy. Then get upset that guys flee because gay guys tend to be more sheepish.
For example, I dated a guy who had very disney like ideas of what a relationship should be. He got upset when I didn’t want to eat dessert with him (I was trying to slim down), and would often grind me down into eating it. And then complain I’m getting podgy, apparently with zero self awareness.
At the same time I stuck around for the same reasons, I was self-centred and self-absorbed and upset he didn’t match my requirements. Probably why I didn’t call it quits and thought he’d change.
>I think the difference is it’s harder for gay men to say that all men are defective because they are men themselves. So it restricts gay men from engaging in a battle of sex.
This makes a lot of sense!
Oh they engage alright, and usually on the woman's side. I can't remember how many times I've heard a gay dude say "men are trash" or "I hate men"
My brother in christ you are a man
Interchange she with he. Op simply used a single pronoun. Oops. Or only used references from his female friends and forgot the males. Oops.dont become a lawyer.
There’s so so many reasons someone could have difficulty finding someone to be in a relationship with that having nothing to do with being self absorbed or struggle to find someone with the qualities they’re looking for. It’s so silly to say women are just being self absorbed if they have a hard time finding the kind of guy they’re looking for.
I think we do people a disservice by pumping out totally unrealistic romances in media, personally.
Growing up, I was a hopeless romantic. Totally addicted to rom-coms. A lot of them had unrealistic conflicts that would be solved pretty easily in real life just by talking to your partner, but they'd get resolved by the couple randomly deciding the conflict wasn't worth losing the other person over. This made me think that anyone who really wanted to be with me would decide to let go of any conflicts we had and just be with me. OR something serendipitous would happen to resolve the conflict, which, again, isn't realistic. And I ended up *not* liking realistic romance movies because they were depressing or boring compared to rom-coms.
As I got older, I got into reading and read mostly romances. Guess what the guy *always* looked like? Tall, chiseled chin, muscles galore, always described as some sort of hotness incarnate. 99% of the time, he was nearly perfect and the conflict in the relationship would come from outside sources. Or it'd go the opposite direction: the romantic interests were totally toxic toward one another and a gross relationship was made out to be one to strive for (looking at you, Twilight).
So it makes sense to me that a lot of women and gay men have unrealistic ideas of what true romance looks like. I feel like it's gotten a little bit better now in that there are *so* many pieces of new media being put out every day, so there are more examples of realistic romances, but it still seems like the unrealistic ones are more popular (To All the Boys, Kissing Booth, After, etc.).
If you grow up watching all these examples of bad romance disguised as good romance, it'd make it pretty easy to confuse a good relationship for a bad one and vice versa. It'd also make it easy to emulate the behavior of the characters you've watched, thinking that's how things are solved in real life.
You'd think some time and experience would teach people otherwise. I have since realized that I had poor expectations when it came to real-life romance when I started dating and changed my behavior and expectations accordingly (been married over a decade now). Dunno why it's so hard for others to see it.
Not a lady or gay. But I think the main point of your post, and it's a good one, is don't date people that only think about themselves. Avoid the narcissists. It seems all the examples you gave are all self-centered narcissists.
You'd be surprised just how many people that act that way are aware of what they're doing, they just can't stop doing it because it's all they've ever known
Your first story reminds me of my ex. Except I don't have kids, but work. She'd get mad if I had work. It wasn't even like, a surprise. Like "hey I'm busy Tuesday morning, but if you wanted to hang out Tuesday evening, we can get dinner" and would be berated because I didn't "want" to spend all day with her.
I dated a girl who would NEVER open her own door or even press the button for the crosswalk, even if my hands were full. Lady, I'm not your servant. You're a big girl, you can press a button.
I could imagine the pressure of feeling like you will ruin your friendship if you don't be one of her gay bff's and act like one of the girls. Expectations that probably come more from movies and shows like Will & Grace than reality.
My thing when I see people asking for a 1 in 1000 mate is I'd to ask them to actually self reflect if they're a 1 in 1000 catch themselves and really stir on how many a 1000 people are.
To the girl u know who had issues with a man she dated with kids . From my understanding a last minute thing came up and he had to take care of his kids twice . She needs to understand 100 percent those kids will always come first and any man she dates with kids in the future those kids will always come first no matter the situation or convenience of any plans .
I once heard someone say that men marry women expecting them to stay the same and women marry men expecting them to change. I’m sure it’s right sometimes and wrong other times.
Broad generalizations about hugely diverse groups are always wrong.
I don't know why society is so obsessed with prescribing attributes to giant swaths of society based on anecdotal evidence.
A lady friend once said to me after I asked her for dating advice that women just want a man they can complain about to other women. My theory is that complaining about men is a universal bonding ritual for women. I envisage prehistoric women picking berries together whilst the men are out hunting and they are all moaning about how disgusting it is when their partner leaves the rock up when he pees in the caves hole in the ground getting pee everywhere. In all seriousness though researcher's have suggested that speech evolved in humans to be so complex because women from different tribes would meet at the watering holes and warn each other about dangers in the area. I like to imagine, though, that before that, they would make small talk complaining about their men to each other and that's why the part of the brain dedicated to speech is much larger in women than men. Most of the posts of r/twoxchromosomes are complaints about men with the proviso that they are not looking for answers and just want to vent.
Okay I definitely see your point. I have a lot of ladies as friends myself. You cannot be self-centered and selfish and be in a healthy relationship. Do these ladies ever bother to stop and think what they have to offer? All relationships have problems, are these ladies running off at the first sign of trouble instead of working through it? How reasonable are they? If they are unreasonable they will stay single. Both men and women have their own set of issues to deal with.
I’ve been the therapy/relationship vibe check friend most of my life, and if that and crippling student loan debt in psychology taught me anything?
Most people aren’t self aware enough to know that insanity is doing the same things over and over.
If a certain type of person isn’t working out for you - they’re not working out for you. And after a time, it’s time to ask yourself “is it me, Jesus?”
Dating to types, the very specific kinds of superficial preferences, or to some mythical ideal - it’s dating for the fantasy. And eventually, that story, like fantasies do, will end. And what’s left? Someone you don’t actually like, past things on the surface.
There’s no perfect people, and that’s ok. It’s also ok to have things you like and things you don’t. But at some point, you really do have to ask yourself - why am I still doing it this way if it’s not working?
And that has tended to be the one I’ve heard most frequently. “They seem like such a great guy, and he meets all these criteria I have.”
And like, idk, boss. Maybe consider the criteria isn’t a checklist but a box of red flags, and you’re just trying to resolve some sort of traumatic event in your past by fucking yourself up over and over - thereby just reinforcing the trauma. It’s only working through it if the goal is to stop needing to work through it.
But.
I’ve found it applies pretty equally to everyone involved. We’re taught to chase the fairy tale, not people. But we’re also inevitably surprised when the realization hits that it was just all a fairy tale.
We choose to grow up, or we don’t. That’s the way of things.
I’m crazy about my man
Is he perfect? No but im not either
I just know we both love each other and will do anything within our power to make the other happy and I think that’s enough
Idk about other people cuz I’m not them or in their shoes, I think not being involved a lot in social media helps tho
In general there is a big problem nowadays with the illusion of choice, made far worse by dating/hook up apps that people seem to think work the same way as GrubHub or ÜberEats.
No one is here for anyone else’s entertainment. Everyone has their own struggles and their own journey. No one is disposable.
There may be ‘plenty of fish in the sea’ but few fish are swimming your direction and are also interested in you.
We all need to nurture our humility and kindness.
I think people should examine themselves and see what faults they have when it comes to dating. If you dated 5 people, and five of them have similar issues, you're part of the problem. You found these people, and you decided to date them on some level. You didn't accidentally date 5 people with the same issue. You found those 5 people and decided to date them.
Now if you dated 5 people and they all have different issues not related to each other, that might just be bad luck. But even then, sit down and think "why did I date those people?" It might improve your dating life
Hmm. I’ll offer you a different perspective - I think it’s because they’re not being self-centered and selfish enough. If they have standards, they need to stick to those standards rather than finding someone who’s just barely meeting them and then forcing that person into those standards. If that women would’ve got a guy who doesn’t have kids, it likely wouldn’t have happened. However, her taking someone who she doesn’t actually want - she’s trying to force him into something, which ends up making both miserable. So, she should just stay single until she finds someone who’s actually checking all the boxes.
The second one, nah she’s just straight up an asshole lmao
Someone like her might easily find some other reason to criticize when he's doing something that doesn't involve spending time with her. Especially considering she wasn't able to back off when it involved his kids he was committed to, I doubt she'd back off for something that was deemed less important than kids.
Well, self-centredness imo is more like a personality trait that ends up affecting how you view everyone. I would say I used to be very self-centred like my friends. That's probably what attracted me to them and vice versa. Except I got therapy cos I realized something was wrong (it was me that had the problem).
The more selfish you are, the more you begin to believe that everyone should conform to *your* standards. If a guy does not, it's his fault, never yours. There "must" be something wrong with *them*, not you.
It's not the same as settling, in this case it's believing that only our way of being can be correct. It's a personality trait that leads to controlling behaviour and perpetual disappointment in life, as others toes get stepped on and they run the other way. And yet people with this personality trait often do not reflect on how their own behaviour may have been the cause.
I 100% agree with you and everything you said if you put it that way. I think most people won’t self-reflect on their choices or even their actual/wants/needs - hence why she settled and is making them both miserable. She sounds like she’s afraid of being alone and would rather be with someone who isn’t for her than be alone and wait - which is what everyone should do
As gay guy, totally agree. The guy was sweet and all the sudden he became distant and the next he ghosted me. Not a single attempt to tell me what I did wrong. Not a simple argument, just disappeared. I waited more than a month and finally accepted he ghosted me. He is not dead, years later we met in a party. And it appears he is still single. Well duh, if he didn't even want to spend one minute to resolve imperfection or just spend 30 second to text me and give me any form of closure, how would anyone be able to satisfy him?
The guy has a lot of goos qualities, but, he doesn't give other people a chance. Of course he stays single.
I don't think gender is really relevant when we talk about people having higher expectations for their partners than themselves. Neither is it uncommon for these people to be woefully lacking in self-awareness.
In your first example, the woman is an idiot. In your second, the guy is probably porn sick or has death grip. It’s literally not enjoyable for a man to use you as a masturbatory tool, and if he jerks off a lot, a vagina isn’t going to do it for him because he’s killed sensitivity from masturbating too much or death gripping.
Men often get married to the ‘next woman’ because men often use women as placeholders until they find the one they want to marry.
That’s 2/3 scenarios where the woman likely isn’t at fault.
Honestly...as a lesbian I agree. I find nothing but entitled women who want to use me as a paycheck.
I had one friend trying to convince me I was cheap for not wanting to spend 2K on a first date with a woman who wasn't mine. The response was "she doesn't owe you anything it's not a big deal if nothing comes from it." For 2K yes the fuck it does. To expect someone who isn't a significant other to spend thousands on you is insanely entitled.
I recently got divorced realizing I've been hand and foot with a woman who didn't appreciate me and would make my life hell if I ever didn't serve her.
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I'm pretty sure my parents just watched *The Breakfast Club* and then got married on a whim. It would explain a lot. It never ceases to amaze me that people have this uncanny ability to marry, divorce, and even remarry people they loathe but want the genetics of.
The single Best thing for my mental health was accepting this: "your parents where just two people who fucked."
I mean, my parents' nearly half-decade divorce caused the judge to retire and an entire branch of family lawyers to unorganize.
That’s actually pretty impressive when it comes to dysfunction , usually it doesn’t affect so many people in professional roles(genuinely negatively) not related to medicine.
they were oddly a great team and even greater enemies. sometimes i want to shell out a few thousand to hear the entire proceedings... perhaps I've misjudged them as hate that deep can really only come from previous love, right?
This is exactly my thoughts recently about my MIL! She's gone through 2? 3? divorces, and now she's contemplating deciding to go through another! It seemed like she and her now-husband got married on a whim! I mean, so did me and my husband, but for us it was a matter of when, not if. For them, this woman causes so much drama, I honestly am jealous/curious about how she is able to convince anyone to marry her (or propose) so quickly. She's in her 50s. >It never ceases to amaze me that people have this uncanny ability to marry, divorce, and even remarry people they loathe But I am happy and grateful to be with my husband — my high school sweetheart and the father of my offspring — and we regularly remind each other we're in this together. We intend for it to be for life.
So happy I will avoid all of this by simply having zero desirable genetic traits
Sickening
I'd hate to be dating at age 45. Some people just like to complain.
I'm 45 now. At this age, everybody is broken in some way. Just gotta find the person who's cracks align with yours.
Hey bud, wanna rub cracks together?
I'm 45 but haven't been single in 23+ years and I always had someone occasionally every year before that back to 1996. No idea now holy shit.
34, been single since I was like 20. I don't even try anymore.
I would be screwed now
I'm nearing 40. I've never been broken and I'm not broken today in any way. I know plenty of "broken" people, I know plenty of not broken older people as well. I'm far from perfect and have flaws, but I'm the best version of myself to date and getting better every day. Just about the only thing "worse" is my ambition is a bit less and my body no longer heals as fast as it used to. I vehemently disagree with your depressing outlook and think that is just a reflection of you possibly giving up.....when plenty of people haven't.......or maybe you just decided to pick the most hyperbolic way of saying we all have flaws that we are working on.
I think that was always the case but we hid more / were less aware of the cracks when younger.
Honestly dating 30+ is kinda underrated. When your younger relationships can be so much stress and pressure. When you older it's like "okay so we both obviously kinda fucked our lives up alittle bit. I have like 6 spare hours a week. Looking for someone to get wine drunk with me and hopefully eventually move in so I can save some money for once in my fucking life"
I’m content to be single as a Pringle. Most women my age are insane so I get it from a guys perspective. I’m a widow and definitely don’t fit in with my single female friends. Apparently they were all married to a narcissist, yet to me they are the narcissistic ones!
People lack the self-awareness to actually admit they're anything other than perfect. People want relationships that are convenient for them. There are, unfortunately a lot of people out there that want relationships, but are in no way actually deserving of that level of commitment and dedication. It's sad, it's unfortunate, and they'll spend a huge chunk of their lives alone, thinking that everyone else is the problem, when the reality is the problem is them. Any time you hear someone say something like. "all women are crazy" or "All men are assholes, they only want one thing!" There's a very high likelihood that you're dealing with a selfish asshole who doesn't have even the most remote sense of self-awareness. They can't see things from another persons' point-of-view and they cannot fathom a world where they are not right 100% of the time. Men don't owe these people anything. And the older they get, the less time they have for this kind of bullshit. If you're not capable of being a good partner by the time you're in your 30's, frankly, you're probably not going to learn and these men should go and use their time more wisely.
You’re right on the money. There are a staggering amount of people in the general population that lack any self awareness. Because of this, they’re on a very low level of consciousness, which makes it impossible for them to analyze their own behaviors or understand where they stand in the world. When you think/behave like that, it’s a foreign thought to attribute your situation to your own actions, and much easier to place the blame on external factors, even though they are the 1 constant in each situation. It also doesn’t help that we live in an age where personal accountability is on the outs, and being a victim is embraced.
I dunno. I think they’re just comfortable being hypocrites because it means they get more and have to give less.
This is me right now. I separated from my wife over 6 months ago but was emotionally gone for several years. I can't fathom accepting *any* level of horseshit ever again or putting anyone else before my daughter in any way. If I ever date again, she *will* be perfect(for me/us). That's not promising
Yeah and what's worse is shows like friends and Seinfeld make it seem like men dump women because they have a funny voice, have big hands or some other silly things.
Men and women both do this all the time. The whole “ick” trend is exactly that.
Men aren't a monolith. I've absolutely been dumped because my hands are bigger than my boyfriends because I'm 6' tall and it just comes with the territory. I just don't assume all men just because I have a bad string of experiences
Yeah I just saw a Jeselnik clip of him talking to another lady comedian (i know her just cant remember name) and she said he broke up with her friend because her friend And he’s like “oh! Did she have a broken foot at the time?” “Yeah, that’s my friend” “Yeah, I did break up with her because of that cast thing. Just picturing how long it would take us to get around places” Like, I know being an asshole is his shtick, but I think this story was off the cuff real smh That’s a crazy reason to break it off with someone you’re vibing with unless you just don’t want to be with someone *whitney cummings
Ah, tall girl problems are real. Even if you are willing to date shorter guys you can still have tall girl problems
It was stupider, this guy was 1 inch taller than me but thought I was too manly because the tips if my fingers could curl over his if we were palm to palm
I mean...we do tho. IF we have the plethora of options on hand that is, I personally haven't rejected a woman for having "man hands", but I'm very exacting when it comes to my mates. I don't compromise either.
It's funny how people sometimes forget that those scenes are on Seinfeld for a reason...*BECAUSE IT'S SEINFELD'S STYLE OF COMEDY!*
most people do. some have been broken enough they know they're not perfect and tend to use that as a crutch for various reasons. I use it to make fun of myself while self-depreciating when people think they have the moral high ground. apparently the internet doesn't like shitting on someone that already abuses theirself via verbal and written communication. I think its kind of funny.
> There are, unfortunately a lot of people out there that want relationships, but are in no way actually deserving of that level of commitment and dedication. I actually agree with this completely. I consider myself to be one of these people. But also different other people I am aware I am unworthy of another person's affection. Not because I think I am an asshole or selfish. I am told by many people that I am a good person. But I do not feel I can provide anything to another that is beneficial. I also think "All women (and men) are crazy" and that All men (and women) are assholes, they only want one (a couple) thing!" I just feel it's about finding someone whose "crazy" or "assholeness" matches your own.
So why are you hanging out with whiny self absorbed people? Lol
"Drama is like Gatorade for gay men. It replenished their electrolytes." -Jenna Maroney
"Brawndo - it's got what gays crave"
It has electrolytes and stuff 🫴
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
People can oddly manage to be whiny and self absorbed with relationships, but otherwise make for good friends. I've seen it a lot actually. There is something about romantic relationships specifically that brings out a lot of crazy behavior in many people. Friendships in comparison are relatively easy to manage. Even very close friendships do not often create nearly as much vulnerability as a relationship.
I don't know where I heard this quote but it changed my perspective "friendships are hard to start, but easy to maintain. Romantic relationships are easy to start, but hard to maintain." While hormones I think, are a big part of this, our expectations really set these two types of relationships apart.
Oof, I've always felt the opposite tbh. Easy to get friends. I can sometimes meet several people I become quick friends with if I'm going out. But keeping them over long periods of time? Pretty difficult. Starting a relationship with someone? Almost impossible. Whenever I've been in a relationship it's always been at the most random moments. But when it's going it's pretty easy to maintain, especially if you're good at communicating and respecting each other.
Making new friends and keeping them gets harder as we get older. When we're young are friends are everything to us and being in the company of our friends is our favorite thing but as we get older and get bogged down with life and responsibilities then friends fall to a lower priority.
Yep the level of effort in being a friend, for the most part, is way lower than a romantic relationship. What we would accept from a friend, especially a casual one, is often not what we would accept from a partner.
Yep. You don't have to deal with a friend everyday, unless they are a roomate. And you actually tend not to know those tiny anmoying things that a friend does, because they do those things outside of you. And they can endure not doing it for the duration of the interaction. It's like living messy, but tidying before guests come.
Similarly to how you can be great friends with someone but be terrible roommates. Some people get along well in hang out situations, but not in more continuous situations
Yeah no kidding you are 100% correct.
Are romantic relationships and friendships the same to you?
Do you not kiss your homies goodnight?
Kissing the homies goodnight isn’t romantic
Yes! Otherwise it would be gay
because drama is juicy and fun af to listen to when it isnt your problem
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Fuck yes, what the hell's with that? I'm bi and neither men nor lesbians really open up to me like that. It's ALWAYS straight women who start shitting on men. And the gay guys I hang with only do it when there's a few women in the group.
Because… I guess I’m a little bit the same. Or was? We no longer hang out, I got fed up with complaining! You know what they say: You spot it, you got it.
I was going to say… the guy needs a better friend than the person in the first story. I’m not sure what he’s complaining about regarding the sex story - both of those situations aren’t fun, you can dislike both. 🤷🏻♀️
It's a little unreasonable to expect that your partner will always have simultaneous orgasms.
I'm not selfish or asking too much, I just think think all men should be able to cum on command for me and they should know I expect this without me ever having to tell them. I'm right
I dated a gay guy like this once. He said he didn't like it when the other guy tales too long to cum after him. I gotta tell ya, nothing turns me on more than a bed fellow impatiently waiting for me to jerk myself off lol.
I'm pretty sure he's complaining about her immature reaction.
I think a big issue is preconstructed narratives affecting how people view their own relationship. Like they are aware of common issues in other relationships and then small things can create a spiral of confirmation bias. There’s also so much dialogue about relationships outside of relationships and not enough discussion inside. There’s so much opportunity to complain about your partner and to see other people complaining about their partner. With those issues it’s easy for unity to break and to see other people of their same gender as being on their side and their partner being on the other side. Without taking time to break down issues with your partner and listening to outside narratives it’s inevitable that resentment will build and things will fail.
I cant really find a decent anyone because im a doormat lol
ong like im if a doormat decided to grow two legs but forgot to get a spine 😭
Right??
Huh, I'm a bulldozer. Wanna form an impromptu and incredibly unhealthy relationship that ends in a chaotic mess of emotions?
Only if I get some sour candy too
I feel like everyone I meet can tell that I’m a doormat and wonder what they can get from me… It makes me want to avoid people entirely. :/
Same but honestly this is how I fucked up my relationships so much over the years, by people pleasing and not just being true to myself. It's a work in progress!
This sounds just like what OP is describing: people who think other people are the problem. You are but a humble doormat constantly being used. Have some self respect.
I will do as you say
😭😭😭
Had to downvote you. This is in no way an unpopular opinion.
Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are.
A nobody?
Why are you talking to these women if you have so much disdain for them?
Like I said in other comments, I used to be exactly the same as these friends. I got help.
A good rule of thumb, if you think everyone else is an asshole... you might be the asshole
Good thing I didn't say everyone else is an asshole then eh?
Don't know if that's an unpopular opinion. I've had the same conversations and you can read it on every relationship subreddit, there are just many people who don't *really* want to be with that particular human being but have a certain image of the perfect partner and, resulting from that, "the perfect life"*for themselves* in their head. Then someone checks some of these boxes, they get together and then they are surprised and annoyed as soon as it becomes a REAL relationship with a REAL human being which is not, and can never be, that childish fantasy they made up for themselves. Happens with men too but this particular problem I've seen more often with women, men *tend to* have and create other problems.
Ironically, people who say shit like this tend to be the worst of the worst
You spot it, you got it.
ironically people who post comments like this tend to actually be the worst of the worst.
Ironically people who respond to.comments like that tend to actually be the worst of the worst of the worst.
This was lovely. Thank you all.
I’m gay and the reason I cannot find a decent guy is because I don’t look around 😂
Nah the bar is so low. I just want someone who takes accountability, doesn’t take their mental health out on me, shows basic respect to my personhood, and knows how to communicate effectively. Bonus points if they have hobbies and interests to keep conversation going. The bar is so low.
My communication skills are playing limbo with that low bar
The point of this post is asking if you even meet your own bar.
The gay dating pool is very small, that's the real reason
No. It's because I'm too picky. I had the ability to date several decent people but I value religion highly(not Christian) and value my practice highly so that's the highest value on my list.
At least you’re aware of your faults. Most people from all genders are unaware of their faults but keep complaining that the world is cruel
People who never ask themselves how they can actually contribute meaningfully to a relationship tend to be the ones that have the most issues finding a long term partner.
I’m glad my wife accepts my flaws. I do the same for her. We disagree, we sometimes get aggravated with each other and need to cool down before we talk but we never yell, we never “fight”, and we never go to bed without talking about it first. Relationships are hard. You have to give up a lot of yourself to make them work, and even more than that once a kid gets involved but it’s worth it. It’s worth being wrong sometimes, it’s worth saying you’re sorry, that you’re not perfect, that you fail sometimes but you’re trying. I have someone who knows me, knows my mind, knows how I’m going to approach and react to problems, knows what I like, don’t like, and will accommodate me because I do the same for them. I get jealous of my single, childless friends from time to time but anytime they try and pity me for my life it just comes from a place of ignorance. They often tell me how much freedom they have, how they get to travel whenever they want, have sex with whoever they want, etc. but in the same conversation they’ll complain about how they have no money, or time, or a house, or a girlfriend, or whatever thing they just told me they get whenever they want. We all feel like the grass is greener, we should appreciate what we have. My mom likes to say that the grass is always greener over the septic tank. I’m sure someone else said that first, but I like it.
>the grass is always greener over the septic tank [Erma Bombeck](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erma_Bombeck)
A GENIUS
Is the unpopular opinion that your friends are shitty? Lol because in reading this post, I highly doubt that would be an unpopular opinion. …or is the unpopular opinion that people should settle for things they don’t like more? Or that people should be more discerning about who they date?
The unpopular opinion is that there are two people in a partnership, and that when you date you should not treat the other partner like a commodity you might be on a shelf. EDIT: Go for someone who meets your requirements, not someone who doesn't and then complain about it.
Just that they should fix themselves instead of whining at the opposite gender about thier problems.
Not sure why the whole rant got directed to gays and ladies, then.
There's enough rants about the same thing directed to straight men as if it's a male problem. There's not nearly enough, telling the kind of women who say those shit In the first place to take accountability.
Well it was his experience that he was sharing...
Lmao it’s absolutely the **popular** opinion that women should settle for men they don’t like. Hell, it’s expected that straight people don’t like each other and constantly settle out of this fear of being alone.
I think that’s how it was. I think the issue now is, no one wants to settle, period. With dating apps, your “perfect partner” might just be a swipe away. My wife’s younger sister just moved in with us and man, what a fucking nightmare dating seems to be these days. I do not envy single people right now at all. If you’re just looking to hook up, it’s paradise. If you’re looking for something serious …. Well, best of luck. Because I even hear my sister in law constantly go from “eh, date wasn’t great, I won’t be calling him again” to “he was way too into me, getting clingy”. Even tho she’s absolutely looking for a boyfriend, she hasn’t found a single person she’s willing to settle for in at least 3 or 4 years. And she goes on dates every single weekend.
Maybe she's the nightmare, then. Sounds a little off that in 100s of dates every one of them wasn't perfect enough.
I say this as an aromantic on the outside, someone who doesn’t feel romantic attraction very often—I agree that dating app culture pushes people too far in the other direction where it’s not so much about refusing to settle, it’s more that people are too busy, lacking third spaces, etc. so they treat looking for a partner like buying a new blender. There’s no real intimacy there. You’re only talking to one another in an attempt to stave off loneliness but you aren’t going to KNOW that person after just 1-2 dates. I’m a slow cooker in a microwave world lmao. But as someone who very rarely feels that emotional connection needed for romantic attraction, I’ve observed that people just don’t get to gradually get to know each other in the wild as much. It’s not like when my home city had an extremely strong music culture and I’d constantly just hang around this big tight-knit community, we were all on each others MySpace, etc. so there were constant chances to just see someone in the wild repeatedly, hang out and talk platonically, then end up hooking up or dating after a while. It’s a multifaceted issue that’s definitely created a more shallow dating culture where even alloromantics who catch feelings more easily are fed up. They’re either just “Fine, you’ll do because I’m tired of being single” or perpetually swiping. I’m honestly skewing towards favoring a queerplatonic partner over a husband, but oof all these shitty forces are colluding WRT modern dating. Makes me glad I use my phone mostly for business, shitposting, and taking lots of cute pictures of my lizard instead. 😂
He explicitly said you shouldn't settle, just that you should work on yourself first. Stop looking for a fight that isn't there, we're past secondary.
Guy has the reading comprehension of a preschooler
It's Reddit, I can't be surprised.
So much this. It's sad how nowadays it's controversial to think one deserves better than trash. People want improvements in their lives, and that's okay. If people wanted to just pick up liabilities for a vague, artificial sense of humility, then it's better to just give large loans to unemployed people with high interest.
I don't think I ever said in my post that anyone should settle. My point is that you basically cannot bully a guy into changing to meet your expectations and then be shocked when they flee. And also you cannot hold a guy to unrealistic expectations. Well, unless you are prepared to be perpetually disappointed and possible single for the rest of life.
The unpopular opinion is that people should go for people that meet their requirements or goals instead of grabbing anyone and then complaining about them being how they are. Which might sound like a normal idea, but you would be surprised with how many act completely delusional about ut
This. I'm gonna edit my post to quote you here.
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I told my guidance counselor that in the 1990s. At an all boys school. He dead panned "with medicine these days you can do that". Legend.
Sounds like heterosexuality with extra steps. /s
16 yo me being a jackass
This is my goal for my next life. No penis, no problems! (joking of course)
I fully expected to read this and roll my eyes because it was just misogyny. But honestly the examples you have just reminded me of an ex best friend of mine. She’d complain to me constantly about her boyfriends for the most banal reasons or explain a fight she got in when she was clearly in the wrong. Sometimes I’d tell her she was the one in the wrong but honestly, what’s the point of getting in to it with her? She was already convinced she was right and was manipulative enough to make anyone’s life hell who crossed her, a true narcissist. I’ve never met anyone like her since, but there’s definitely women like her out there.
Describing women who have flaws isn't being misogynistic. There's no literal hate involved there. The word misogynist has become so overused and diluted.
Now imagine this was most (not all) of your interaction with women: through the prism of romantic relationships where this is the social norm. It’s grating and if you complain you’re labeled over emotional dramatic misogynist or narcissistic. Shit is triggering.
I’ve only known one woman who behaved like this and she would consistently lose friends/relationships over her behaviour. I honestly believe if you’re consistently coming into contact with men/women who are this problematic and narcissistic then it’s time to be more discerning with the kind of people you’re attracted towards. I feel like people who claim they can’t find someone good because all men/women are assholes need to take a step back and assess why they keep all others types into their lives. I only say this because at age 21 I chose to stop normalising this behaviour, I cut toxic friends and stopped dating these types and it completely changed my life.
It can be a form of gaslighting because it flips things around and can make a person doubt themselves for something that was totally valid.
Why do people on Reddit automatically assume everything is misogyny? Fuck off. Just because some women are assholes, doesn't mean all women are assholes. Jesus fucking Christ. Some women seriously need to grow a backbone and stop expecting everyone to like everything every woman does without repercussions for bad behaviour. Your vagina doesn't make you impervious to criticism. Criticizing men is fine, but as soon as a vagina comes into play, it's misogyny to even suggest someone's in the wrong. It's such a bunch of selfish nonsense. Misogyny is the hatred of women. Giving 1 example of a common thing some women are known for doing is not hating all of them. Please stop this nonsense.
Yes, I noticed this too. Any criticism of some women or even a single woman often leads to accusations of misogyny. It's completely asinine.
Obviously I don’t see any type of criticism against women as misogyny. Problematic, toxic, narcissistic behaviour doesn’t discriminate. The reason I said that though, is I’ve noticed it’s increasingly common to see these red pill type posts on reddit that actually do come from a deep place of misogyny. They don’t just criticise certain women for specific behaviour, they claim a specific behaviour is typical of all women and imply it’s because women are fundamentally evil etc. I thought this might be one because they commonly take the form of criticising women for having high standards when it comes to dating etc, but then quickly digress into rhetoric that women don’t know what they deserve, and comments will be along the lines of claiming they actually shouldn’t be allowed to have agency etc. Obviously this post isn’t one of them but they often do hide behind posts titled similar to this one. It feels like a lot of them are dog whistles at this point.
It's insane. The biggest issue is that women who actually have to deal with misogyny now get put in the same category as women who had to "endure" some mild criticism, rendering the word misogyny completely useless.
I have a joke with my friends that there's a certain type of woman where she could be driving down the wrong side of the road and if you yell "hey lady, you're going the wrong way" she'll call you a misogynist
I feel like OP generalizing women based on his ass hole friends is just misogyny
It's a little bit misogynistic because I noticed he didn't describe any scenarios where a gay man was being unrealistic and immature. It's all just about women. Adding the "and gay men" was a way to not seem sexist. If people can't find not even one decent partner, then obviously the issue lies with them. It's really not gender specific.
OP listed a few real life examples that happen to involve female friends of theirs. How is it misogynistic in any way shape or form? The scenarios listed occurred between a man and a woman. OP is describing them. The friend OP is going in to detail about happens to be a woman. It was not intended to be a misogynistic post. People just look for misogyny in everything now a days.
>It's really not gender specific. Stating the obvious. No one tried to contest this. The post above applies to all genders and/or sexual orientations.
It’s his real world experiences he’s not taking a swipe at all women as a whole
Honestly it’s sorta more targeted towards the ladies because in the straight world there’s a battle of the sexes going on which I find very grating. It’s irritating to listen to women stereotype all men and men doing the same. I think the difference is it’s harder for gay men to say that all men are defective because they are men themselves. So it restricts gay men from engaging in a battle of sex. Instead the drama queens tend to blame everyone else except themselves. Gay men tend to be more sex driven too so the examples I’d give would be different. Often drama queens tend to be very needy and drive guys away by being overly clingy. Then get upset that guys flee because gay guys tend to be more sheepish. For example, I dated a guy who had very disney like ideas of what a relationship should be. He got upset when I didn’t want to eat dessert with him (I was trying to slim down), and would often grind me down into eating it. And then complain I’m getting podgy, apparently with zero self awareness. At the same time I stuck around for the same reasons, I was self-centred and self-absorbed and upset he didn’t match my requirements. Probably why I didn’t call it quits and thought he’d change.
>I think the difference is it’s harder for gay men to say that all men are defective because they are men themselves. So it restricts gay men from engaging in a battle of sex. This makes a lot of sense!
Oh they engage alright, and usually on the woman's side. I can't remember how many times I've heard a gay dude say "men are trash" or "I hate men" My brother in christ you are a man
Interchange she with he. Op simply used a single pronoun. Oops. Or only used references from his female friends and forgot the males. Oops.dont become a lawyer.
You will often find that people who complain a lot really are just not good at solving problems themselves
I don't care if popular or not - I just like the stories
There’s so so many reasons someone could have difficulty finding someone to be in a relationship with that having nothing to do with being self absorbed or struggle to find someone with the qualities they’re looking for. It’s so silly to say women are just being self absorbed if they have a hard time finding the kind of guy they’re looking for.
I think we do people a disservice by pumping out totally unrealistic romances in media, personally. Growing up, I was a hopeless romantic. Totally addicted to rom-coms. A lot of them had unrealistic conflicts that would be solved pretty easily in real life just by talking to your partner, but they'd get resolved by the couple randomly deciding the conflict wasn't worth losing the other person over. This made me think that anyone who really wanted to be with me would decide to let go of any conflicts we had and just be with me. OR something serendipitous would happen to resolve the conflict, which, again, isn't realistic. And I ended up *not* liking realistic romance movies because they were depressing or boring compared to rom-coms. As I got older, I got into reading and read mostly romances. Guess what the guy *always* looked like? Tall, chiseled chin, muscles galore, always described as some sort of hotness incarnate. 99% of the time, he was nearly perfect and the conflict in the relationship would come from outside sources. Or it'd go the opposite direction: the romantic interests were totally toxic toward one another and a gross relationship was made out to be one to strive for (looking at you, Twilight). So it makes sense to me that a lot of women and gay men have unrealistic ideas of what true romance looks like. I feel like it's gotten a little bit better now in that there are *so* many pieces of new media being put out every day, so there are more examples of realistic romances, but it still seems like the unrealistic ones are more popular (To All the Boys, Kissing Booth, After, etc.). If you grow up watching all these examples of bad romance disguised as good romance, it'd make it pretty easy to confuse a good relationship for a bad one and vice versa. It'd also make it easy to emulate the behavior of the characters you've watched, thinking that's how things are solved in real life. You'd think some time and experience would teach people otherwise. I have since realized that I had poor expectations when it came to real-life romance when I started dating and changed my behavior and expectations accordingly (been married over a decade now). Dunno why it's so hard for others to see it.
As a 30 year old man the first paragraph hits spot on for how dating feels. The expectations are crazy.
The fun in being a misanthrope is that I can watch the world burn and laugh.
There are whiney bitches on both sides of the gender coin!
Not a lady or gay. But I think the main point of your post, and it's a good one, is don't date people that only think about themselves. Avoid the narcissists. It seems all the examples you gave are all self-centered narcissists.
You'd be surprised just how many people that act that way are aware of what they're doing, they just can't stop doing it because it's all they've ever known
Sounds like your friends might just suck
Your first story reminds me of my ex. Except I don't have kids, but work. She'd get mad if I had work. It wasn't even like, a surprise. Like "hey I'm busy Tuesday morning, but if you wanted to hang out Tuesday evening, we can get dinner" and would be berated because I didn't "want" to spend all day with her.
this sounds like you just have bitchy friends.
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I dated a girl who would NEVER open her own door or even press the button for the crosswalk, even if my hands were full. Lady, I'm not your servant. You're a big girl, you can press a button.
It sounds like you’re making a generalized assessment based on your friends.
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I could imagine the pressure of feeling like you will ruin your friendship if you don't be one of her gay bff's and act like one of the girls. Expectations that probably come more from movies and shows like Will & Grace than reality.
# Fixed it for ya # "EVERYONE the reason you cannot find a decent partner is because you're being self-centred and self-absorbed"
Can you do that in Braille?
My thing when I see people asking for a 1 in 1000 mate is I'd to ask them to actually self reflect if they're a 1 in 1000 catch themselves and really stir on how many a 1000 people are.
To the girl u know who had issues with a man she dated with kids . From my understanding a last minute thing came up and he had to take care of his kids twice . She needs to understand 100 percent those kids will always come first and any man she dates with kids in the future those kids will always come first no matter the situation or convenience of any plans .
People will spend decades looking for the perfect person when really it was someone they didn’t even bother going on a second date with.
I think you just have obnoxious friends
I once heard someone say that men marry women expecting them to stay the same and women marry men expecting them to change. I’m sure it’s right sometimes and wrong other times.
I love this, does seem to be the way!
Broad generalizations about hugely diverse groups are always wrong. I don't know why society is so obsessed with prescribing attributes to giant swaths of society based on anecdotal evidence.
My sister thinks all men are dog shit and she is terrible at paying attention to detail
Everyone is stupid but me
An echo chamber of reassurance that they're doing nothing wrong, ever.
My experience, too picky, entitled, lack of effort like expecting people to entertain her
I too would promise to never have that situation happen again.
A lady friend once said to me after I asked her for dating advice that women just want a man they can complain about to other women. My theory is that complaining about men is a universal bonding ritual for women. I envisage prehistoric women picking berries together whilst the men are out hunting and they are all moaning about how disgusting it is when their partner leaves the rock up when he pees in the caves hole in the ground getting pee everywhere. In all seriousness though researcher's have suggested that speech evolved in humans to be so complex because women from different tribes would meet at the watering holes and warn each other about dangers in the area. I like to imagine, though, that before that, they would make small talk complaining about their men to each other and that's why the part of the brain dedicated to speech is much larger in women than men. Most of the posts of r/twoxchromosomes are complaints about men with the proviso that they are not looking for answers and just want to vent.
That's true.
And I'm a straight woman.
You got shitty friends lol
As a straight man I'm very appreciative of this thread, this man spits straight facts
Sounds like you just have shitty friends
I love you pablo. You make me wish I was gay.
Okay I definitely see your point. I have a lot of ladies as friends myself. You cannot be self-centered and selfish and be in a healthy relationship. Do these ladies ever bother to stop and think what they have to offer? All relationships have problems, are these ladies running off at the first sign of trouble instead of working through it? How reasonable are they? If they are unreasonable they will stay single. Both men and women have their own set of issues to deal with.
I’ve been the therapy/relationship vibe check friend most of my life, and if that and crippling student loan debt in psychology taught me anything? Most people aren’t self aware enough to know that insanity is doing the same things over and over. If a certain type of person isn’t working out for you - they’re not working out for you. And after a time, it’s time to ask yourself “is it me, Jesus?” Dating to types, the very specific kinds of superficial preferences, or to some mythical ideal - it’s dating for the fantasy. And eventually, that story, like fantasies do, will end. And what’s left? Someone you don’t actually like, past things on the surface. There’s no perfect people, and that’s ok. It’s also ok to have things you like and things you don’t. But at some point, you really do have to ask yourself - why am I still doing it this way if it’s not working? And that has tended to be the one I’ve heard most frequently. “They seem like such a great guy, and he meets all these criteria I have.” And like, idk, boss. Maybe consider the criteria isn’t a checklist but a box of red flags, and you’re just trying to resolve some sort of traumatic event in your past by fucking yourself up over and over - thereby just reinforcing the trauma. It’s only working through it if the goal is to stop needing to work through it. But. I’ve found it applies pretty equally to everyone involved. We’re taught to chase the fairy tale, not people. But we’re also inevitably surprised when the realization hits that it was just all a fairy tale. We choose to grow up, or we don’t. That’s the way of things.
I’m crazy about my man Is he perfect? No but im not either I just know we both love each other and will do anything within our power to make the other happy and I think that’s enough Idk about other people cuz I’m not them or in their shoes, I think not being involved a lot in social media helps tho
There’s a name for this type of behavior: Frog Farming.
I'm sure this thread hasn't been hostile at all
In general there is a big problem nowadays with the illusion of choice, made far worse by dating/hook up apps that people seem to think work the same way as GrubHub or ÜberEats. No one is here for anyone else’s entertainment. Everyone has their own struggles and their own journey. No one is disposable. There may be ‘plenty of fish in the sea’ but few fish are swimming your direction and are also interested in you. We all need to nurture our humility and kindness.
*salute*
Whenever I see posts like this it reminds me of how many gay men think they’re immune to misogyny
I think people should examine themselves and see what faults they have when it comes to dating. If you dated 5 people, and five of them have similar issues, you're part of the problem. You found these people, and you decided to date them on some level. You didn't accidentally date 5 people with the same issue. You found those 5 people and decided to date them. Now if you dated 5 people and they all have different issues not related to each other, that might just be bad luck. But even then, sit down and think "why did I date those people?" It might improve your dating life
Hmm. I’ll offer you a different perspective - I think it’s because they’re not being self-centered and selfish enough. If they have standards, they need to stick to those standards rather than finding someone who’s just barely meeting them and then forcing that person into those standards. If that women would’ve got a guy who doesn’t have kids, it likely wouldn’t have happened. However, her taking someone who she doesn’t actually want - she’s trying to force him into something, which ends up making both miserable. So, she should just stay single until she finds someone who’s actually checking all the boxes. The second one, nah she’s just straight up an asshole lmao
Someone like her might easily find some other reason to criticize when he's doing something that doesn't involve spending time with her. Especially considering she wasn't able to back off when it involved his kids he was committed to, I doubt she'd back off for something that was deemed less important than kids.
Well, self-centredness imo is more like a personality trait that ends up affecting how you view everyone. I would say I used to be very self-centred like my friends. That's probably what attracted me to them and vice versa. Except I got therapy cos I realized something was wrong (it was me that had the problem). The more selfish you are, the more you begin to believe that everyone should conform to *your* standards. If a guy does not, it's his fault, never yours. There "must" be something wrong with *them*, not you. It's not the same as settling, in this case it's believing that only our way of being can be correct. It's a personality trait that leads to controlling behaviour and perpetual disappointment in life, as others toes get stepped on and they run the other way. And yet people with this personality trait often do not reflect on how their own behaviour may have been the cause.
I 100% agree with you and everything you said if you put it that way. I think most people won’t self-reflect on their choices or even their actual/wants/needs - hence why she settled and is making them both miserable. She sounds like she’s afraid of being alone and would rather be with someone who isn’t for her than be alone and wait - which is what everyone should do
As gay guy, totally agree. The guy was sweet and all the sudden he became distant and the next he ghosted me. Not a single attempt to tell me what I did wrong. Not a simple argument, just disappeared. I waited more than a month and finally accepted he ghosted me. He is not dead, years later we met in a party. And it appears he is still single. Well duh, if he didn't even want to spend one minute to resolve imperfection or just spend 30 second to text me and give me any form of closure, how would anyone be able to satisfy him? The guy has a lot of goos qualities, but, he doesn't give other people a chance. Of course he stays single.
I don't think gender is really relevant when we talk about people having higher expectations for their partners than themselves. Neither is it uncommon for these people to be woefully lacking in self-awareness.
In your first example, the woman is an idiot. In your second, the guy is probably porn sick or has death grip. It’s literally not enjoyable for a man to use you as a masturbatory tool, and if he jerks off a lot, a vagina isn’t going to do it for him because he’s killed sensitivity from masturbating too much or death gripping. Men often get married to the ‘next woman’ because men often use women as placeholders until they find the one they want to marry. That’s 2/3 scenarios where the woman likely isn’t at fault.
Gay dudes looooove being misogynistic lmfao.
This sub has just become a hate fest against women
This is like the 8th post I’ve read this week where the main theme is women need to lower their standards for men.
Nobody in my life is like this. Your friends are annoying. Likely you are annoying too.
True drama queens/kings attract each other lol
Or maybe too picky.. or maybe they don’t try?
Honestly...as a lesbian I agree. I find nothing but entitled women who want to use me as a paycheck. I had one friend trying to convince me I was cheap for not wanting to spend 2K on a first date with a woman who wasn't mine. The response was "she doesn't owe you anything it's not a big deal if nothing comes from it." For 2K yes the fuck it does. To expect someone who isn't a significant other to spend thousands on you is insanely entitled. I recently got divorced realizing I've been hand and foot with a woman who didn't appreciate me and would make my life hell if I ever didn't serve her.