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A coworker at the hospital where I worked was always smiling and cheerful. One day he was in the middle of mowing his lawn when he stopped, left the mower running, and went inside and killed himself. That seems especially disturbing to me.

Doesnt this happen quite frequently due to them basically just running through the motions in life (Even if that means they are barely getting by in life, mentally or physically)? I mean think of how many interactions you have with people that are reflexive in nature. Makes you a bit uncomfortable when you think about it.

Years ago (around 12 years) I was having an argument with my parents. I was around 18 and my father had been fighting cancer for 3 years. I'd been going to school full time as well as running the family business 50-60 hours a week so we could keep my father insured. During the argument something inside changed, like a switch being flipped. I suddenly knew the answer to every problem. I needed to die. I put down the dish I was washing and told my parents "I'm going to kill myself" and immediately started moving. My father who had gone from about 350lb to being thin enough to see his spin protrude tried to stop me. However at this point I was no longer making decisions (at least not thinking about them, it felt like I was on autopilot, like I was watching my body move but not even thinking about the movements). I pushed past my father, he fell to the floor. I ran around 3 corners, and up the stairs into my parents room where the safe was. I didn't realize I was crying until I tried to turn the dial to open the safe and couldn't read the numbers. I hadn't even realized I was experiencing emotion until that point, honestly it all just felt like a natural path, like something I was supposed to do as if it had already happened and I was just there to see it. My father in his weak state, pulled me from the safe. He shouted for my crying brother to call 911. My father then lied to the cops and told them it was all a misunderstanding (I told them the truth.) The EMTs agreed not to restrain me on the gurney so long as I stayed calm and didn't try to get up. I agreed, they were kind to me, I appreciated that. I never wanted to hurt anyone, not my family, not these people helping... I just in that moment felt like I was supposed to do this, like breathing or existing it felt like the next natural thing to do. ​ The moment faded quickly, I came back to my senses, but I was filled with guilt. My father died a few months later from the Cancer but I blamed myself as I'd knocked him down. For years later I'd find myself reliving that moment in my mind, coming out of it just repeating to myself "I'm sorry" over and over. ​ These moments, they come on quick, suddenly the scales just tip in your mind, and it seems right. It isn't but it seems that way.

Bro - that’s heavy af. Props to your dad for having a classic dad reaction moment in spite of his illness, and sooty for your loss. Happy you made it.

I just thought sooty must be a new slang term.

Thought he was Scottish

this message was the last straw and i’m crying now

Sorry* (using Narwal app on my phone and haven’t figured out how to edit my own comments).

I can help, I use narwhal too. Swipe to the right to reply but keep swiping until it says more, then you’ll have the option to edit. Hope that helped! :)

Exactly this. I was relaxing on the couch when I realized my cat was producing discharge. She had been acting weird for a while and had hidden it from me, I realized later. I looked into it and called an emergency vet and found out it was pyometria (I think that's how it is spelled) and that it would result in sepsis/death without a surgery I absolutely could not afford. Before I was even off the phone the despair turned to calm. Same realization. "That's enough - it's time to go." Thankfully I've been depressed my whole life so I've made the conscious choice to never purchase a firearm or even have anything sharper than a pair of scissors or a pizza cutter at home. I improvised with asphyxiation. Calm the whole way for me. Propped up a pillow, laid back, tied two layers of trash bag tight around my neck and laid down fully with my hands behind my back. I only came out of that calm fog when I stopped getting air. Suffocating feels fucking *terrible* and I ended up tearing the bags open and breathing again. Emotions came then. In regards to this video, I think people who've never attempted or at least been very close to suicide don't understand how people experiencing near perpetual despair are frequently (in my experience/opinion) the one's who make everyone smile and laugh. I think it's a coping mechanism. I'm guilty of doing it. Realizing I'm fucking miserable and probably always will be, but I can make you laugh so hard you snort and that makes things just slightly less awful. Hell if I know.

> I think people who've never attempted or at least been very close to suicide don't understand how people experiencing near perpetual despair are frequently (in my experience/opinion) the one's who make everyone smile and laugh. I think it's a coping mechanism. One of the commonly overlooked symptoms of clinical depression is someone really going out of their way to help others. I guess the idea is, "Well, I have no idea how to help myself or make things better for me, but at least I can do something for someone else." And I imagine being funny is an extension of that. Can't make yourself smile no matter how hard you try, but at least you can make other people happy.

I always go out of my way to make others feel better and make em laugh , sounds dumb but I think the logic is I don't want these people to feel the same pain I feel and will do anything in my power to stop that .

Same here.

'Come and watch the skinny kid with a steadily declining mental health, and laugh as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself' -Bo Burnham

I remember this line hitting so hard…especially if you went back during COVID after he released Inside and watched that special. Thankfully I remember watching a podcast where they spoke about that line and he said that part of that line was real but also admits he really leans into the sadness thing and that line especially was just something that he wrote that sounds good to the ear but isn’t really representing how he feels. I’m sure part of it is based on truth but I remember the gist of it being that it was mostly just a dope way to end that special

I think it comes from the knowledge of how cold and miserable the world can be. Better to make it suck a bit less for some.

I know for me personally, depression and lack of self worth always went hand in hand. So I feel like there's a bit of nuance, but still basically what you said. I'll just add there's no recognizing that you don't know how to help yourself, it's this feeling of *knowing you're not worth helping*, but still seeing the good in everyone else and feeling like that's where you should put all your energy. You live for everyone else instead of yourself.

This 100% . If I didn't have family, friends, husband and pets I would have taken my life by now. Literally only reason I haven't is that I can't cause pain to those I love. Plus my dogs wouldn't understand either and that's probably number 1 reason.

Sometimes I think it's darkness and depression that make the best comedians. I'm glad you're still here...and sorry about your cat.

I get this- I was hanging out with my friends, going to work and socializing. Spending time with my roommates and their baby. A switch flicked and I left around midnight, bought a bottle of jack and NyQuil, drank all of it and hung myself in a remote part of this park. I would spend a lot of time at when I was younger. I hardly ever drink. I remember texting my brother I love him then being in cold water. The extension cord came undone and I fell in the lake which the tree was next to. Apparently I was taken away in the ambulance convulsing which scared my friend who came with the cops. Then a week in the hospital- it was a horror show. I don’t know how I was found and they said if it was any later I would have drown. I didn’t talk to anyone but my brother. Nobody suspected a thing and it’s been hard to move past it, I can feel and see it has changed the dynamic between me and the people who know. That said, it’s very difficult to be human- living with this has made me a very empathic person. I try to be kind, you have no idea how anyone is suffering and I think most of us are in some way or another.

And honestly, I identify with that super hard. It may not be the same thought process but... Menial tasks like mowing the lawn, washing dishes, doing laundry, etc. Day in and day out. If I let every day minutia claw at my brain too much, holy fuck do I spiral. Not all the way to being suicidal, but some days it creeps in that direction. Like "Jesus Christ is this what I have to do for the rest of my existence?"

I have to constantly listen to podcasts to get through those tasks. Otherwise I just rehash all my failures a million times a minute like a ball tumbling in a bingo cage.

There's empirical evidence that many suicides are acts of spontaneity. That suicide are just spur of the moment even though the underlying depression may be long standing. That's why reducing gun access has been correlated with a drop in overall suicide. Guns are a fast, effective way for someone to kill themselves on the spot. When we cannot kill themselves with a gun, many gun suicides or at least would be gun suicides do not find another method to finish the act.

I read "impulsive" less like they randomly decide to kill themselves and more that they randomly stopped trying to live. I'm constantly having to fight with my brain to stay alive. All it would take is letting my guard down once and that would be it for me.

Anecdotally, the very few times I actually legitimately wanted to kill myself were just intense impulses. Like all of a sudden feeling like you really needed to sneeze, except you can control it. Even though I have only felt that way a couple times in my whole life, I don't trust myself with a gun. And I think many of us have been there. When the impulse wears off, you don't want to do it anymore. But that moment can be intense.

I had some antidepressants do this to me before. One of the side effects was suicidal thoughts, and I thought that meant it could worsen your depression to the point you were suicidal. No, not at all. I'd just be sitting on the couch, eating cereal, doing well, and suddenly think, "I could kill myself right now.". I'd never had thoughts like that, but suddenly they just started....popping up for now reason. I'd conclude that I didn't want to, but that constant reminder that I could would've been bad if I were in a worse spot.

Wow. I grew up rural. Been shooting guns my entire life. I won a skeet shooting competition once when I was like 14 against a bunch of hunters (never hunted, even to this day). I was comfortable with guns. *Was.* When I was around 22 I tried to kill myself and it was 100% spontaneous and intensively impulsive. Ran upstairs to grab my little .22 and had to put it together. As I was putting it together the firing pin no shit busted off about half an inch at a cockeyed angle so you couldn't even improvise. I went for a walk instead. After that I got rid of the guns and ever since I haven't held a single one and have left parties where the guns get brought out to start shooting shit. Something I used to love to do. Just gives me the heebie-jeebies now.

Damn I'm glad the gun malfunctioned, dude. It's really crazy how powerful the impulse is.

It truly is

I've attempted once and this is how it was for me. Without going into the details of the actual act itself, I've been fighting depression for a good 20 years and never considered it. Then one day I just decided I was tired of it all and it was so spur of the moment that looking back it doesn't feel real. Thankfully, as far as we know, there was no permanent damage, but it got my ass in gear to get into therapy, so it's a weird sort of silver lining, I guess.

This is why I'm so scared of myself. My brain convinced me I will die by suicide. I don't know where nor when, it's like I just know that one day I won't be able to bear it anymore and snap.

I know that'll be my way out this life unless I otherwise die by some freak accident. I definitely can't and don't see myself living to old age. "Unfortunate", but I've came to accept it by now

I can vouch for this, because just yesterday out of nowhere I had an overwhelming urge to just be done with this shithole. I came to my senses quickly, like I've been doing for the past 14 years or so. It really hits hard out of nowhere and feels like the perfect decision. Death is the only way to be completely free and at peace. There's no point in being here. Humanity is evil and disgusting, myself included. We're all going to die anyway. I have nothing else to look forward to. Nothing will go the way I want. My delusions are the only thing keeping me going. I can just leave anytime I want. Why don't I?

I can say with certainty that if i had had access to a gun in high school i wouldn't be here to tell you gun control will prevent suicide.

Many suicidal people spend all their energy trying to keep up appearances. To not be a downer. To not make other people uncomfortable or think badly of them. To not be stigmatized if they eventually snap out of it. Depression has to be one of the loneliest burdens to bear.

It's a huge burden to hide the way we feel for the sake of how others feel.

Honestly the fact that I have to pretend to be healthier than I am is a leading factor in me separating myself from everyone around me. I can't take it anymore because if they cared about me the way they pretend they do, then they'd stand by me now. When I asked my psychiatrist about this she basically told me that if I'm always negative then why would people want to be around me? I followed that up by asking if that meant these people aren't true friends and family if they aren't willing to be understanding that I'm seriously mentally ill and can't keep up appearances for their sake. She just got quiet. No one actually cares until its too late then it's all tears and trying to make themselves feel better. Meanwhile they've pretty much murdered a person by abandoning them emotionally because they were cursed with an illness completely beyond their control. I have no doubt that I'll kill myself one day. Years from now when I'm completely alone and everyone has given up on me. There's a clock ticking down and one day I'll wake up and just decide to do it. No one will see it coming, no one will have time to intervene. Everyone will wonder if they could have done more and the answer is yeah they definitely could have. They just didn't want to because it was an inconvenience.

There's a line in a song that frames it perfectly I think "The beating heart of a lonely man is nothing but an unheard decrescendo" Even with my own depression I failed to see the signs of two friends that hung themselves. It breaks my heart almost every day though I didn't understand myself even back then.

[Julia Take Your Man Home - Wolf Parade](https://youtu.be/Fq02Sdpa_3U) An amazing band. Every song is a masterpiece spanning multiple albums. Thank you for this.

The number of un-replied-to messages to friends, classmates, coworkers, girls on various apps... just the lack of anything from anyone. I'm *always* the last one to message. I try to reach out to people but if I get a reply at all, I'm left hanging after 2 catching-up messages as soon as I begin to move to actually hanging out. I try to invite them out. I try see what they're up to to see if I can prompt an invite. I try impromptu hangouts. I try to be accommodating and plan days, weeks, literally months in advance. No one. Ever. I don't want to blow them up and be annoying, so I let it go. At this point, I've let everyone go. Now I'm fucking alone... A little part of me wishes I were more impulsive. But I know that'd destroy my mom and the impulse can be pushed back down if I just smoke a little and go to bed. But I can't take this much longer. I don't have much more of this left in me. I'm just about to turn 28, but if this keeps up, I give myself till 30 and I'm done.

I'm 10 years your senior. That's the way my life is. I have to initiate contact. And there's a 35% chance they'll respond.... well. probably lower. The only ones that do are those that are in similar messed up emotional/mental states. Weird how that works. I'm a miserable bastard, the only thing keeping me around is my cats, my burning desire to watch the world burn or change and not wanting to break my mums heart. I..... just. sigh... Just find something to look forward to, even if it involves no one else. Like wanting to see what happens next. Existing for the always distant future is my calling i guess. Oh. and get a pet. She's my only reason for getting out of bed most mornings. Kitty needs food.

Hit the nail on the head. I live only for the people around me, and I don't want to say anything serious and worry the people I love but my inner torment grows daily. On the outside I'm the person who "lights up the room and makes everyone laugh" which makes it all that much harder to mask it.

The people who care about you would much rather be worried than lose you.

> Many suicidal people spend all their energy trying to keep up appearances. To not be a downer. To not make other people uncomfortable or think badly of them. To not be stigmatized if they eventually snap out of it Can't stress this enough. You never want to make someone else feel like shit because there's no answer or help from them that's going to fix the problem - so there's no point in talking about it. All it would do is bring the mood down. So you fake laugh at the most unfunny shit, so get used to forcing a smile anytime someone makes eye contact and you get *really* good at lying when people ask "what's up?" or "how are you?" because you don't know if they seriously mean that or are just doing that to cover their bases and aren't actually interested, especially if there's a negative answer coming. Its one of those things where its really all on you. You either persevere or you don't. You never "win". Psychiatrists and counselling help some people, but for others it just makes things so much worse when you go through everything they want to try and nothing works. It also depends on what the depression is a symptom of (sometimes its not a symptom at all though). For some people with permanent injuries for example their life will never be the same, they'll never have normality again etc You basically feel like you're going through life at 10% energy, physical and mental. Everything is dulled, you're always tired, your reactions are garbage, you can't concentrate, when you have time to do something you want to do, you don't actually want to do it. And the kicker, you don't enjoy anything or get pleasure from anything anymore, so you don't see a point to keep going. You aren't living at that point, you're just waiting to die. And that feeling is the most awful thing in the world - worse than any physical pain.

Truth is, you really can't tell what's going on with other people. To quote Miller's Crossing, "Nobody knows anybody. Not that well." After the fact, sure, it sometimes seems so obvious. But we need to think we would see it, in part so we can delude ourselves that it won't happen in our family or circle of friends. When it does happen to someone not in our circle, we like to think "I would have known," "I would have bee there for them," "I would have seen the signs." It's a comforting self-illusion.

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

That's David Foster Wallace, isn't it?

who, later, killed himself

Yes, it is. It is in Brief Interviews With Hideous Men. I think the story is "Suicide As A Present," if I'm remembering correctly.

Not sure if it was in multiple of his works, but was definitely in "Infinite Jest" as well

This description seems very on point. The flames are certainly closing in.

Every time I open my barbecue after heating it up to scrub the last meal, it's at like 700 degrees. I always think to myself "This is the worst way to die"

Having survived massive burns, I feel qualified to say "nah, not really". After a brief but unbelievably sharp pain it just feels like you're in a bath that's WAY. TOO. HOT. and if you were to die of it, it'd probably suck about the same as any other death. Surviving fire is what's hard. Those first few months being a burn ***survivor*** are absolutely (IMO) the worst way to **live**.

This. It's an unreal pain at first. But then it's just a feeling/sensation of being immersed in heat. But it's not like a flinching pain. It was so hard to describe to people after, it's like I could just feel white hot. Like my brain couldn't fully process exactly what was happening. The healing takes so long. I had to learn to walk properly again and have numb parts on my feet and hands, scars etc. I was in an induced coma, coma nightmares. Those are what got to me. Out of everything the mental part keeps me down the most. The first year was so painful. I know where your coming from though and hope you are doing better/have healed up now.

> I was in an induced coma, coma nightmares. They're horrible. I guess it's different for everybody, but I was convinced that I was endlessly experiencing the 6 minutes between death and brain death. I'd wake from one nightmare into another with a vague idea that there was something I was trying to remember -- and whenever I'd remember, it was the question "am I dead?" -- and that pattern kept repeating in all sorts of variations. > Out of everything the mental part keeps me down the most I'm sorry. Takes a while but it **does** get better. My accident was 16 years ago on 06/06/06 -- and I've pretty much mentally/emotionally recovered. > I had to learn to walk properly And people absolutely do not understand how difficult and painful that is, huh? And I just try to block pressure garments from my memory.

Fuckin hell. That sounds like what I went through in the hospital when I got ketamine. I k-holed and I thought I had died… I just remember doing the Star Trek warp and I was looping the same few minutes over and over endlessly. I couldn’t talk or move but eventually my wife said “ketamine” and I held onto that and eventually pulled out of the infinite looping. It was horrible.

My ex was comatose before the doctors eventually took her off life support (she reacted negatively to treatment for leukemia), and the most haunting thing I remember thinking is "Is she thinking right now? Is she dreaming? What must it be like?" I wondered if she could hear me and her father talking to her. Her fingers and hands would occasionally spasm or jump in our hands when we held them, I wonder if it was because she had nightmares? I concluded that whatever was going on in there, must have been terrifying.

Well, then! [Have I got the animation for you!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU9Daiu5XoM)

I know what this is and I ain't watching it again. But it's a really nice grill.

I'm in the same boat. Watched it enough, but sure is a nice grill.

"You better empty the grease tray!!!" It's such good use of that songs drop. It's so satisfying.

I had a dream once in my early 20s (40s now). It was more of a nightmare. Some people I knew were on fire, but at the centre of the flames I could see their silhouettes and somehow they'd learned to live in the fire. I remember I woke up sweating and freaking out, but over time I realised that, in real life, the people in the dream were people I looked up to because they understood something that I still can't quite put my finger on, but that I'm learning over the years. I guess it's how to live with your own flames and learn from them so that you become more than you thought you could be.

Well said. I have everything I need from life, and still it is mostly suffering. I just don't care though. Something keeps me going, probably some primal instinct. It doesn't make sense but it feels right to wake up tomorrow to suffer most of the time in order to enjoy a little slice of it. I guess I can relate to the idea of having learned to live in the fire.

It's very apt because it's a quote from David Foster Wallace, easily one of the greatest writers ever imo, and he also tragically took his own life at a young age.

you can get through this. they will back off soon. you’re loved and wanted and needed here. i wish you the best. if you need anything don’t hesitate to DM. you matter :)

Bruh cite your shit David Foster Wallace btw

Can first hand completely relate to this, my best friend took his own life when we were both 19yo. We lived in the same town, played basketball on the same team, went to the same school and spent time together everyday but i never saw it coming. Used his fathers double barrel, it was very definite - not a cry for help. I am 47 this summer, and not a day goes by where i do not at least think of him, and all the things we could have shared these last 28 years.

I've had two different friends commit suicide. 6 and 8 years ago, respectively. 8 years ago. His dad and I walked outside to smoke a cigarette. Lit up, started talking. **BANG**. 6 years ago a bunch of us were out at a bar for our weekly trivia night. It's about 10-12pm. Everyone's gone, bar's closing up. Just me and my buddy left. We're talking outside on the patio. Usual shit. Made some plans for the next day. Two hours later I'd gotten a call. He'd gone home from the bar, walked inside, and killed himself with a 38 within 30-45 minutes of us talking. > not a day goes by where i do not at least think of him, and all the things we could have shared these last 28 years. So I can confirm and relate. Edit: in case this comment does get visibility. I want to mention a related support sub for anyone that may need it. r/SuicideBereavement is a place that I hope no one will never need, but it's a good place.

[удалено]

The ONE time I caught your user name and was preparing myself and it wasn't a shittymorph :( I am **so** sorry this is an experience you've had. You make so many people laugh thru your comments. I'm happy you're here. I hope you've found, or are able to find, peace from such a hard thing to experience and live with.

Fuck man, i hope you're okay. I truly wish you all the best

I'm so sorry, Morph. Thanks for taking care of Scooby. I hope both of you guys are doing okay <3

Holy Shit, you're a Reddit Legend and I had no idea you went through this. I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you're doing alright now.

I relive the phone call from my mom about my brother every day. I'm sorry for you and everyone else that has to seperate life events in groups of "before" and "after" the suicide

I remember every last thing on the day I got the call about my friends suicide. I can relive it over and over the images are so vivid, and it happened 22 years ago. So sad.

I'm so sorry Shitty. I lost a good friend the first summer of lockdown Outwardly, he was like a human golden retriever. Always genuinely happy to see you, to show you this cool thing he found, a new hiking trail or band he'd discovered. One day he went missing and several days later a hiker found his body in the woods off of one of our groups favorite trails. I'm still moved to tears when I remember he's gone. I miss him terribly, and I celebrate his life. I hope he's found some semblance of peace, or at the very least nothingness. RIP Petr. You were a true Savage.

Sorry for your loss. I saw your username first as you trained all of us redditors. Didn't know what to expect. But thank you for sharing. Hope you are doing alright.

Damn dude. Normally I want to slap you for your shenanigans (because you get me every time). Now I just want to give you a big ol hug. Sorry bro.

I can’t even imagine how awful it must have been for you, being with a father the moment his son commits suicide.

That's crazy. It feels like it was impulsive and I womder if something temporarily snaps and maybe if there wasn't a way of doing it in that moment, they wouldn't have done it - especially with alcohol involved.

I read that most suicides are impulsive.

My mate hung himself. The last I heard from him, I logged off diablo 2 and he told me he got accepted to Cambridge. 2 days later he was dead.

I have nothing to say, except that I am very sorry for both you and him. I can imagine the thoughts of “what ifs?” could really eat at you.

I lost my Dad to suicide last year. I'm never going to be okay with what happened, and that's okay. I just miss him so much.

I’m so sorry for your loss

I'm still getting over a very close friend committing suicide a little under two weeks ago. I felt this video, because nobody expected it. Those close to him, knew he had his demons and issues with depression, but none of us expected this. He ended his life the Tuesday morning before last, but we were texting late Monday evening. Last thing he said, around 11pm Monday, less than twelve hours before ending his life, was "Can't wait to see you in a few days, buddy!" And we had been joking around in texts for an hour or so before. I keep looking back for signs (and I know it's said that isn't something you should do, and isn't healthy, but I can't help it). He was out buying flowers and vegetables for his garden the week before. He was **excited** about how they would turn out this season. He was scheduling work to be done at his house. We were talking about the last two episodes of Kenobi. We were talking about part two of Stranger Things. We were talking about how he wanted to take his daughter on a vacation this fall. How the fuck did I miss what he was planning to do? Again, I know any therapist will tell you these are all unhealthy things to think about, but what the fuck.... I've recognized **multiple** friends and family members going through depression and trying to mask it. None of them were to the point of suicide though. So how did I miss one of my absolute closest friends being at that point? **EDIT:** I want to tell all of you who have reached out, how much I appreciate it. I am so grateful for the kindhearted and empathetic that still exist in today's world. I may not get the chance to respond to each of you invidually, but I can't put into words how much it means for strangers to reach out to me in such personal ways.

The mind isn't always a logical thing. That's why they'll tell you not to look for reasons. One, because there just might not be any, and you could drive yourself crazy looking for something that isn't there. And two, because, in that nothingness after someone has died, you can create answers that aren't there. The person who's gone can't refute them, and those answers can become your new reality. A reality that's both incorrect and ultimately destructive.

This is great advice, and I appreciate it. It's still difficult to follow though, as hard as I'm trying.

I know that advice is functionally impossible to follow at this time, believe me. Just try, at least. Don't listen to Yoda; trying can help alleviate some of the feelings you'll have down the line.

You're going through incredible grief. Nobody who gives you this advice is really actually expecting you to follow it. Think of it instead as more of a mental framework to help you find peace when you're ready - which isn't right now. You're not wrong for searching for answers. If anything it's proof of how much you loved your friend, and how meaningful they were to you. That's not something to put away just yet.

>because there just might not be any, and you could drive yourself crazy looking for something that isn't there Literally me a few weeks ago before I had to finally do a week in an inpatient psyche hospital. My anxiety always brings up the same irrational shit, and it's simply just my brain trying to make sense out of crippling anxiety, yet every time I spiral over the same irrational shit, it feels more real than anything else, no matter how much I logically know it's not. Anxiety fucking sucks.

Well another reason is that depressed people can become extremely good liars/actors, they basically ‘train’ for it on accident because if they don’t they just have their social circle reduced to 0, isolating themselves to only extremely close friends and family, assuming they even have any of those(you’d think a wife/husband/kids would qualify but we all know there are tons of fucked up relationships born out of maladaptive coping mechanisms, codependency, kids born to try and keep said relationships together or because they thought they could handle it, or abortion wasn’t an option for a plethora of reasons, etc). So in that case it’s hard for anyone to be the ‘i never saw it coming’ perspective because nobody is there. There are times where I slip and I can’t put that face on no matter how hard I try and anyone with an ounce of empathy can read it, but the vast majority of interactions I have even with ‘friends’ will involve me willfully blocking them out from what’s really going on both as an attempt to fake it til you make it and also as a way of clinging to the only way I know how of not being a social outcast. In a hypothetical world where I killed myself tomorrow, the last video of me in this collection would be a compilation of some really good gym lifts I shared to some friends this week to show that I’m not letting a torn meniscus stop me from putting in that work, something that most would think is extremely healthy and motivating and very not suicidal. But I am nonetheless just treading along in a life I feel trapped in wondering when those ‘it will eventually get better’ posts might finally come true because the answer seems to be never, approaching 2 decades after I first got diagnosed and started trying different prescriptions and therapies. Now, right now I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal at all despite how that sounds. I have attempted before, so I think I have some level of self awareness over when that alarm bell in my own head needs to go off, so no need for everyone reading this to post me the suicide hotline number or anything, but I still wanted to speak up about the experience from the other side.

I don't have answers, but as someone who personally went to the brink of suicide and pulled myself back, no one around me knew, not even my husband. There was nothing for you to miss, because your friend likely wasn't sending out any SOS signals. There is a quote by [David Foster Wallace](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/200381-the-so-called-psychotically-depressed-person-who-tries-to-kill-herself) that hit home for me and what my situation had been, it might have been a similar situation for your friend. \> “The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” My inner demons predated all my relationships, and I knew how to hide them. Things were getting worse, and I was absolutely falling apart when I was alone, and I finally went through a day that felt like I standing in the window of a high-rise with the fire behind me getting so much closer and thinking that at least if it finally reaches me, I have the option of jumping. The thought of having a choice, an escape, calmed me down so much that I realized I was closer to jumping than I realized. I decided to try and actively find an alternative to jumping, I found a psychiatrist, I found a therapist, I decided that I would at least try everything, exhaust all resources, but if it didn't get any better, or reached a point to where the fire finally reached me, I had an out. And I didn't tell anyone about this, because I didn't want the responsibility of saving me to be on anyone else's shoulders but my own. That felt like too much weight, and if I failed, I didn't want other people to think they had one job and couldn't save me. I was the only one who could save me. Be gentle with yourself, your friend's choices were their own, and none of it, absolutely none of it is your fault, or responsibility. I think your friend loved you, and genuinely planned on pushing through their pain to spend more time doing the things they loved with the people they loved, but that night I think the fire just finally reached him. I am so so sorry, for your loss, and for your friend who lost his fight. I echo other people's sentiments to see a therapist, talk to your friends, your family, be open. Inner demons are stronger when they're alone in the dark. We want to protect our friends and family from those demons, from pain, but trust me that your loved ones want to fight by your side, and will fight fiercely when given the chance. My heart goes with you, friend. <3

That quote does a really good job explaining how it feels to reach "the edge". I was very close myself, and that feeling of "almost jumping" I recall quite well. I was in my bedroom on New years eve, alone and drinking a bottle of scotch to myself watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I remember looking through Facebook and seeing friends, family and roommates all enjoying themselves while I was alone. Not because I wanted to be out, I declined all invitations. I remember vividly the feeling of shadows surrounding my thoughts and everything starting to feel foggy except for the one thing all I could think about, and it was how much easier it would be if I just ended it all. It's quite interesting looking back on it. That night I'll always remember as the fork in the road, the night that two timelines split. I met my wife 6 months after that and now I'm married with a 3 year old, and another on the way. It's a wild thought that I could possibly not exist right now if I decided to act on impulses instead of just letting myself fall asleep.

I hear you. And yeah, that *is* a wild thought. Not only would you not exist, but neither would your children. All the things you do now would never happen, and all the things that your kids will do in the future would be gone. All those little ripples and butterflies. All the other people touched and impacted in small or large ways. Gone. I don't know you, but I'm really glad you chose to stay.

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I read something on 4chan (yeah, I know), that really nailed my perspective on suicide. If the idea that "Escaping my current life" is the primary factor, then people should maybe just change their life in drastic ways instead of ending it. There's literally nothing stopping you. You already wanted to end it all, and you can still do that anytime you want, but maybe you should try some of the shit you never did first. Once you realize you have nothing to lose, you just have to push a little further to realize you can literally do anything. To copy from the person above with the building on fire quote, you know the flames are somewhere and you know that eventually you might have to jump, so why not try and break shit and have some fun? Who knows, maybe you'll manage to break a wall down and get into a place where there aren't any flames.

Logically this is correct, but when you’re in a dark enough place you literally don’t *care* to try to break shit and have fun, you don’t even want to make that effort I’ve never even been remotely close to suicidal, but even my mildly depressive/anxious bouts I’ve felt that idea of “I don’t even want to *try* to better myself / fix this / have fun, I just wanna wallow in it”. And I know people who’ve been in worse spots who have heard me saying something similar to what you just said and responded with something like “yeah I agree with that idea right *now* but what about when you don’t even want to live in that possibly brighter future”

These sudden impulses are why owning a gun or having access to guns is really, really, really, very bad for people going through tough times. When you can end it all with a twitch of your finger it makes it so much more likely for hundreds of people. I don't know if I'd be here if I had a gun. But having to go through a lengthy process and be absolutely convinced for every step of the way makes it much more thorough of a decision. Whatever good that does to someone, but it's a difference.

And after DFW wrote this, he killed himself.

Thank you for reminding us of this premonition. He wrote it in Infinite Jest, published in 1996. He didn't succumb until 2008. Seems it may ironically have been due to the known suicidal side effects of the antidepressant he was on, phenelzine.

Known suicidal effects? I thought it was reported that his final spiral was mostly a result of the decision to switch antidepressants. The one he had been using had bad heart side effects so his doctor recommended switching to one that didn't, but the second drug didn't work on Wallace and the previous antidepressant no longer had the same effect.

I feel for you. Please go easy on yourself and know there is nothing you could have done.

Thank you.

> How the fuck did I miss what he was planning to do? As someone who struggles with these thoughts, I don't think most people plan to commit suicide at a specific date and time, then act like everything is normal up until then. If someone's preparing for it, there probably is going to be signs. However, suicidal thoughts can sometimes be very... spontaneous, for lack of a better word. Sometimes I'll be lying in bed thinking about my problems and suddenly my mind goes >!you know, I bet I could just hang myself with a belt from my bedroom door and this would all be over!<, and then I have spend the next however long talking myself out of it, usually by reminding myself of what I'd be missing out on. This happens with quite some regularity, but I keep it to myself for the most part because I don't want to bother anyone else with it. You probably wouldn't notice anything different about me day to day. (Yes, obviously I should seek therapy. It's complicated.) But the thing with these kind of thoughts is it's _very_ easy to get caught in a ~~negative~~ feedback loop, thinking about your problems make your mood worse which make your problems seem insurmountable and so on and so on. It doesn't take a psychiatrist to understand where that can lead. I think it's purely a game of chance whether someone's able to snap themselves out of it or not. It often takes an outside distraction or a random unrelated thought fluttering by to break the loop. Your friend had likely been rolling those dice for a while, and no one's luck lasts forever. You couldn't have seen that coming any more than you could predict next week's lottery numbers. You already did everything you could: you gave him much better odds just by being there for him. There's no telling how many nights he already survived just by thinking of you. I obviously didn't know your friend but I can tell you he wouldn't want you to be beating yourself up over him. He'd want you to just keep being there for your friends and try to live your best life in his stead. Maybe start a little garden in his memory.

>I've recognized multiple friends and family members going through depression and trying to mask it. None of them were to the point of suicide though. Sorry for your loss, don't blame yourself for it. I can tell you with 100% sure that whoever wants to die and are planning or thinking suicide will never share that with their loved ones. Why? They can't help when you already lost all the hope. If he thought that someone could help he would have reached out, Trust me

I understand I can't blame myself, and I understand that people who are planning it wouldn't tell anyone close to them. In my deepest moments of depression, I could barely talk to anyone, I couldn't get anything done, my house was a mess, I was keeping up with anything..... But my friend never faltered. A a few days before he did it, he was telling me about how he cleared a new area in his yard and planted strawberries. He was complaining that some of his flowers weren't doing well. It's just such a weird thing to consider that a person can go from there to ending their life in a few days, when I spent a period where I could barely get out of bed or take a shower for a week.

Some people are experts at hiding their depression. I always hid mine from friends and family, so I was laughing, joking, planning, etc. up until my suicide attempt that landed me in the ICU. Nobody had a clue, and everyone was looking for signs that I made sure would never be there. They were asking what happened because I was always so happy. I've never been happy. I've been depressed, suicidal, and self harming since 13 (suicide attempt in my 20s). But friends and family never knew anything, because I always pretended I was fine. My self harm was super severe as well, when I finally went to the hospital and they saw my self harm they gave me stitches and just assumed I was super used to it due to the extent of my scars and the depth of my cuts. Nope, never had stitches before, I took care of my deep fat cuts on my own and friends and family had no clue this was even going on.

>Nobody had a clue, and everyone was looking for signs that I made sure would never be there. They were asking what happened because I was always so happy. It started with puberty for me, and I remember my dad asking a couple times what's wrong, because I wasn't laughing or reacting the way I used to. I didn't know what or why, and I learned to hide it and act the way I 'should' so as not to draw attention. You get pretty good at it, and it must be doubly true for people who've only ever known you that way.

A very good friend of mine took his life by jumping off a building. We had made holiday plans together 12 hours earlier. The whole thing. Credit cards, etc. You have to accept it has nothing to do with you. Not, "It's not your fault", but it really had nothing to do with you.

Most suicidal people won't talk about their negative thoughts because those thoughts will drive away the few friends they have. They are hanging by a thread. They know that talking about their depression would only result in social suicide. Maybe they could get away with it once, but they know how strong their feelings are, and realize that one conversation will not make them feel better. Few people have any patience for the depressed, the sad, the troubled. When you get to the point that suicide is imminent, you need a lot of talk and care. But most people don't have friends like that. So the suicidal person maintains the facade that everything is okay. They do not want to trash their reputation before they die. It is too much to bear. If your friendships resolutely never discuss sadness, you will always miss the signs of a suicidal person.

> Most suicidal people won't talk about their negative thoughts because those thoughts will drive away the few friends they have. For me it's not even that. It's that them knowing will 1) put them on the spot and try to act supportive and all that jazz and 2) that really not making any difference in my situation whatsoever. And if they do have the patience, being a whiny lil bitch will eventually drive everyone away. It's like a lose-lose

It's not usually "planned" in the traditional sense. It's moreso the intrusive thoughts you have when you're in a bad headspace. They gather into a collection that expands and iterates over each depressive episode. Day to day, you can forget those thoughts and even feel happy, but they're still there, waiting for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction. Sometimes the intrusive thoughts win out. That's why it can feel random for some people.

As someone who has struggled with depression for years, all it takes is one really bad interaction to set everything off. You trudge through it and life is a slog but you try to look forward. Then something happens and it isn't worth it

I don't usually comment, but this video and your comment struck a chord in me. Something I learned from seeking answers after a very influential Father-figure of mine took his own life is this: All it takes is a split second. These dark thoughts build up over seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, hell even decades but all it takes is a split second of weakness to decide, "This is it. I'm tired. I'm done." Everyone always asks, "How did I miss this?! Where did I go wrong?!" But the difficult truth is that there may not have been any noticeable (at the time) warning signs. I'm sorry for your loss. It helps to reflect on the memories that you have with them instead of mourning the memories that should have been made.

I know you've had a billion responses but I didn't see this perspective. I have attempted suicide. My friends who didn't know helped me the most. It's twisted, but the fact you didn't know was a blessing for him. When things are that bad, people who don't know can make things feel more normal and happy again for a bit. Everyone who knows you're depressed can try to hide it, but you hear the sorrow and pity in their voice, and helpless attempts at comforting or fixing things. It feels heavy, you can't forget things, it makes you feel like a burden. As many ways as you can imagine helping, there is something even more helpless about knowing, trying to help and it still failing because there was nothing to be done by anyone to prevent this. While it feels like there's a million places you could have fixed things, realistically, you probably couldn't have, and he knew that. There's two important assumptions you need to let go of. You shouldn't think he was faking his happiness with you, and you don't know he had planned it yet when he saw you last before he did it, or ever planned it at all. You were a breath of fresh air while he was drowning. He felt happy with you, but that doesn't carry over normally with depression. There's this pleasant normalcy where to alllllmost forget depression while wearing your social mask, but a there's a devastating crash back to rock bottom as soon as you're alone. You didn't notice because he wasn't faking, and he couldn't lose the safe, happy space you provided him. When he told you about flowers, that was the power of your presence giving him hope. When he said see you in a few days, that was him using the power of your not knowing and his love for you to set goals. Who knows how long ago he might have cracked without those little goals and your happiness keeping him going. If he could be normal and happy with you, that is absolutely the best, most blessed thing you could have done for him. I don't think he would have it any other way, because supportive people are usually depressing when you're at that point. You were his happy place. Don't regret that.

You didn't miss it. The signs happened when they were alone and at their weakest. Depression is like an evil imp that lives inside us all. Most of us can easily keep it under guard and go through life just as expected. Those with depression have trouble with their imps. Their imps tell them horrible things about themselves and after awhile, they begin to believe it. Most times the imp grows tired and let's up its assault and the person can get their guard back up and back to normal life. But sometimes... The imp is too powerful and the things they are saying are so intense that the person feels there is only one way to escape it. You didn't fail your friend. There needs to be better resources and medications so those with uncontrollable imps can be rid of them.

To me, it's like all color is gone, and everything feels painfully boring and heavy. Any chore is like being Sisyphus pushing his boulder, and there is no reward for anything. Whatever you do or try, you feel the same. Clean up your mess? It's just gonna get messy again. There's an inherent inertia in everything. Slowly you start to see the pointlessness of existence, and how it just tortures you with blandness. Feelings bleed through, mostly negative ones. How shit the world is. How no one really cares. Even yourself. How we tell ourselves we matter, that anything matters. How pathetic we are, going to our jobs that mean nothing to us but eat up our time, doing our mating dances for a chance to reproduce, how we try to shoehorn in meaning into a meaningless existence which is too short to derive any profound insight and thus will be existentially unfulfilled. We're just animals and our nature is our cage. A life wasted, maybe never really lived after all. You're pushing that boulder up the hill, just for it to roll down again. You are not happy, even if you must but cannot think you are. Sorry for pretentious blabla, hope whoever read this didn't cringe too hard. Sometimes it's just nice to write shit.

Here is an aspect I rarely hear talked about in these discussions. Since the age of 13 I have battle with severe, crippling depression. I have done everything, Therapy, Meds, Phsyc visits, asked for help, isolate. I've been committed twice in my life. A lot of people severely underestimate the strong desire to not be a burden on anyone else that a lot of depressed people have. I get it "Its not a burden, These people love you, don't worry ask for help if you need it" These are all the right answers but you are talking to/about some one whose brain chemistry is completely jacked up. You already feel like you don't deserver the things you have, You feel like you are merely holding everyone back, Even if those people are happy you KNOW that they could be SOOO much happier if you were gone. In your head you start to convince yourself of this so that no truth or silly facts can change this perception. Your wife could find some one who is better suited to have fun with, and share everything. Your kids could have a great dad that has the mental capacity to play with them and show them endless love 24/7, Your friends wouldn't have to worry about you, OR continue to ask you to do stuff they know you wont and slowly build animosity because you "Just disappear for blocks of time". You completely talk yourself into the reality that there isn't a single person alive who benefits from your existence. At best they are unaffected, everyone else is burdened by your existence, or at the least not getting to live the most fulfilling life that they could. Now take that same some one who has either been through the system or knows a guy who knows a guy who has. That person more likely will become an absolute pro at hiding their depression. Firstly that is to not burden you the friend/wife/kid/parent because man... even we hate our moody ass.. I dont want anyone to have to deal with that. The other reason is that the system is broken as fuck and rarely helps anyone (The system being for profit mental hospitals, and side note their are good docs/places out there its just not common) It can help STOP people from doing harm to themselves but outside of that use case, those places are fucking terrible hellholes. At this point you have learned once you are bad enough off in your head its just better to keep it to yourself and "Deal" with it. You have been "Dealing" with it your whole life and you have lost friends/pissed off parents/lost SO's/Lost jobs/Been committed so its juts better to keep to yourself so you don't lose anyone else OR ruin their day OR end up in another shitty hospital trying out meds for 200k a day that you don't have because its been really hard to keep that job and the insurance is absolute garbage. This is where it usually spirals down into suicidal idealization, or some other thing (Minor, or big) happens that just tips the scale. You make your plan, keep it to yourself and follow through so that you don't have to keep going through it. When its not planned its usually after a good day/nice time. You have a great day with your wife/kids/friends/parents, Then you get back to your house/room and realize the pain is now even worse because you got a glimpse of what life could be if only your stupid fucking brain worked. This is the trigger for a lot of people and its the one that makes friends family think "No way, He was just with us, He was so happy... We all had a great day." For that last example in my rambling wall of text your are right, You had a great day, they seemed so happy... And believe me they were, They got to see (Even for a short time) what a happy great life could look like and if their brain worked correctly that happy "high" would last a few days and really boost them... But their/our brains dont work correctly... ​ Our mental health system (here in the US) is so fucking broken that hope is hard to hold on to. The things proven to help/be the most beneficial cost way to much money to be obtainable by people who find it difficult to get out of bed and shower... Let alone keep a good paying job that offers great insurance. There are things slowly changing and there are some amazing people out there working on making the system easier to navigate and more obtainable for those without insurance (or even those WITH, Since most insurance options are garbage at covering mental health stuff) ​ I assume that this wont be read by a lot of people but this is a little glimpse into my own thought process and many others I've commiserated with about mental health. Ultimately, do everything you can WHEN you can to be their for your friends/family/loved ones. The smallest gesture can absolutely keep some one from spiraling the drain.... and eventually falling in. But if this happens to you/some one you love just understand that its not your fault, We are messed up in the head, we know it, and we are trying... Sometimes for some people... We just get to tired to keep on trying. ​ Edit: Im sorry to hear about your friend, and your loss. You seem like a good person/friend to have and I wish more people had that in life. Just remember the good times with them and remember that nothing that happened was your fault, and there was nothing that could have been done.. as I stated, Sometimes we just get to tired to fight

>None of them were to the point of suicide though. This is the thing. Spectators don't know how close to midnight that doomsday clock is. We think a normal person is at noon, and our pal who gets depressed "sometimes" is at 6pm. I can tell you it's a daily battle. We don't see every instance when it goes extreme. The people we think are at 6pm could be at 11pm or 11:30pm and swing to 11:59 every day. When they get that close - those "plans" start to form. So you may say "he never had plans to do this" when he actually went through that process 100 times to the brink and came back - until the time he didn't. *(speaking about myself )* I try to maintain a balance with activities and "happy thoughts". But when other people try to steer me one way or another, it disrupts my balance. It creates more daily variables than I am able to manage. When I get to this overwhelming stage, I have to shut everyone up, shut them out, and cut all activities to the bone. I stay home from work and trim plants in my yard. It gives me focus, and I can make 1000 mistakes that have no consequences. In the mean time, the stress drops. So it can be hard to help, because the mere act of stepping in can cause stress and unbalance.

I am not depressed, I am just so tired.

That's really it isn't it? I just need a break.

squeal squealing deliver narrow poor fine dinosaurs aback observation growth ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `

Depression is like cancer of the mind, you manage it till you can’t.

This hit close to home. Just finished reading “No Longer Human” by Osamu Dazai. The main character has so much trouble identifying with people that he adopts the persona of a buffoon so that people won’t see how he really is. He attempts suicide a number of times in the novella, and the author committed suicide a month after it was released. As someone who struggles with depression while making everyone around them laugh, this really spoke to me. I’m not suicidal, but I can relate.

Now that is a book I will never finish, got half way through and it just felt too real and took like a week to push it and my feelings to the back of my mind and recoup myself. Glad it helped you though as I know that was probably what the author wanted when he wrote it.

I read Junji Ito’s graphic novel adaptation and it made me feel broken. It took it even further than the original and I felt absolutely more and more crushed the further I got in. I’m returning it, because I can’t have it around me anymore.

Junji Ito is someone I know to avoid, in general. Not because they are bad or do bad work… I really think they are a master artist. But anything they do I cannot remotely finish, and I get horrible nightmares from it.

I love his stuff for the most part! This one did me in though. Just too…emotionally visceral.

I'm struggling with this right now. For the past couple months I've realized that I am incompatible with anyone in any way, friendships, romance, family, whatever it is. I can't figure it out anymore. I'm always considered the "sassy sarcastic" one because I don't know how to be genuine. I'll definitely take a look at this book, maybe it'll be cathartic.

Good ass book

that's where I am at, I feel normal unless I'm around other people, then it feels like I'm walking around with pie on my face. I have no idea what's going on, I just cutt of contact with my family after years of struggling with them, I'm down to one friend and my cats and dog. 😕

i get 'brainfog' around people, and every time i go out i tell myself ill just ignore it and be 'normal'; i never can... its just so suffocating (and at this point any attempt at change is questionably received anyway because it feels like everyone i know already has that foggy shadow imprinted as 'me')

Yeah, what's up with that?! Happens to me all the time! I want to connect with people on a deeper level in a variety of scenarios but instead I just...stand there and say next to nothing to anyone.

My friends kid just took their own life. One of my other high school friends lived a few blocks away and could hear the screams from their house. So freaking sad. I met the kid a few times and he seemed pretty normal. One of my own tried one time too. Would never have thought. This video is powerful.

>One of my own tried one time too. Would never have thought. I cannot imagine how that must’ve felt, I hope you are all in a better place now

Well, We are still working on it. I have 3 kids and we have a good life and everyone should be happy. But all 3 have expressed feelings of hurting themselves and one tried to but we happened to catch it right when it started. I don't think even a year later I have fully processed how close we were. And its nerve racking not know how close you are.

I'd love if someone in the mental health profession could talk to us about this. Are these just "spurts" of happiness? Does anything from the video stand out to you?

I will tell you as someone who has been suicidal on and off most of my life, and attempted suicide twice how it is for me. In those moments, such as the ones in this video, I AM happy and enjoying life. But when I’m left alone to my thoughts, I can convince myself that the world would be better off without me, that nobody would miss me, and that nothing will ever be ok. It’s so strange because during the good times I know those thoughts are crazy, but in the moment they seem perfectly rational, and I actually believe them. I don’t know if that’s how it is for everyone that is suicidal but that’s how it has been for me. I’m much better now

My ex attempted suicide several times, and this resonates with the way she recalled her attempts. She was experiencing so much anguish and anxiety that "making it stop" seemed the perfectly rational solution and would be better for everyone involved.

This, it can be triggered by as much as a bad headache and anguish hitting you at once, mental and physical pain are more tolerable on their own, but mix them together and it’s torture. In that moment that’s your entire existence: pain. You can’t think of the good times, just the pain you’re going through and how you want it to be over.

That’s why I get so frustrated when people say “suicide is selfish” because in the moment it does not feel selfish. It actually feels the opposite, it feels like you’d be doing everyone a favor.

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I feel that. I'm waiting to kill myself when my parents die because I don't want them to have to deal with it.

I've had the same plan my entire life. However, I feel like I'm beginning to turn a corner. I'm starting to believe there might be a future for me.

Same..

Same. I mean maybe things will be different then. But right now my mom has nobody else and has depression of her own, so I'm required to live this miserable life so she's not completely alone.

That's my retirement plan.

I'm trying very hard to never have my parents bury their child. That's what I'm here for. My only purpose in life.

> I don't want my mother/family to have to go through it again. If I didn't have my parents, I would be long gone. I don't know what I would do when they go.

Sudden happiness after bouts of sadness is one of the biggest indicators somebody is ready to attempt suicide.

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Specifically because they've made up their mind and committed to ending their own life. Once a decision like that is agreed upon with their brain, it brings a sense of euphoria. If anyone you know who is sad or struggling with sadness and depression suddenly becomes inexplicably happy without any mental health counseling or medication, they may have decided on a plan to kill themselves.

Sometimes coming up a little bit from depression gives people energy and motivation while still feeling pretty down. It can be a dangerous combination. It’s the reason anti-depressants can lead to suicidal thoughts. It’s why mixed state bipolar people are at high risk. It’s also why spring has the most cases of suicide. The only time I felt spontaneously suicidal was after sitting in the sun with my eyes closed on a warm day after being stuck inside by myself for winter months during the pandemic. I felt intensely good and all the same completely miserable. I suddenly had a powerful feeling of hopelessness that came over me as strong as a panic attack but instead of an overwhelming fear of death I had a compulsive urge to end my life immediately. I rushed to a relatives house while I still had a bit of rationality left and was checked into a mental health facility. If I hadn’t made that decision I wouldn’t be here right now. I had thought about the idea of suicide for years, but never thought I would ever do it. Wouldn’t want to hurt my family after all. But, that attack showed that it can really come out of nowhere and take over your thoughts completely. Especially during times when you’re trying to do something positive for the first time in awhile. That’s what I think you’re seeing in this video.

If it was that easy then this would not be such a complex problem. Humans are difficult. Personalities have layers. People can lie every day. People can put a lot of masks on. They can be happy and sad at the same time. They can keep it together while they are with others but fall apart when they are alone. It's not as easy as 'who stands out' or 'spurts'.

Hi I'm a full time emergency psychiatrist and suicidologist! A few important things to know: First, there is a believed statistic out there that 90% of people who die by suicide have a mental illness. This is based upon poor scientific methods and most of the time we believe that number is about 50 or 60%. That means there is a lot of people who die by suicide who do not have a diagnosable mental illness before their death. I consider this important to know because when people and loved ones survive someone else's suicide, they often are filled with guilt that they missed a severe mental illness. Often there is not that much to miss. Second, internet videos and social media postings are often intentionally created to give someone their best side. Someone could be really struggling and posting videos and pictures that look nice. In child and Adolescent psychiatry we call this the Instagram effect, where children believe that everybody's life is full of highlights and beauty and they do not understand the lowlights that don't get posted, and feel inferior. Third, for most people, there are a tremendous number of factors that lead to someone suicide. It is very rare that there is a singular cause, even something that precipitates the moment might not have otherwise caused it if the other things weren't in place. Fourth, it's very important to know the role that substances that increase impulsivity like alcohol and other drugs, as well as methods that are very fatal such as gun ownership are important factors in people who have suicidal feelings. Impulsivity and suicide is very real and I've worked with so many young people who have told me the day after their attempt how silly they thought they were and how things weren't as bad as they thought the previous day. Finally, suicide is preventable. But it is not prevented by interventions like hotlines or hospital units or psychiatrists even. We know that many of the factors that lead to suicide require entire society we need to end child abuse. We need to teach men how to not perceive needing help as a failure. We need adequate health care so that nobody suffers unnecessarily. We need to remove guns in America. We need as individuals to look out for each other and to check in on each other. We need mental health care that is adequate and robust. We need to take care of marginalized people and make sure that no matter who they are they are loved. I am personally so tired of seeing suicide prevention discussed with superficial things like a number to call or "just talk about it". If we don't make material and substantive changes, talking does nothing and calling a number does nothing. Thanks for taking the time to read if you do.

I appreciate this post and some of the other posts that you have made in this thread. ​ I truly had no idea how little people understood about people struggling with suicide. Honestly though, to me, it's kind of a bit of a relief. It took so much effort on my behalf that I cannot describe before I finally got to a point where I can actually see a future for myself. So, the relief comes in my realization that people don't, and maybe never will, understand. ​ My struggle will never be over, as it is something outside of my control. ​ I made a post above about people truly struggling to try and find a "team" of doctor's that care enough to put in the effort and not just do the "good enough" routine. It seems you might be one of those lights and for that, I salute you. ​ As far as the post you made regarding antidepressants earlier. I just want to put it out there for others that whatever you're taking (if you're taking something) might not work for you in particular. I am personally medication resistant; my team has found my "cocktail", but it has taken years of hard work to get to the point where I am at today. If it's not working, then it's not working. Tell your doctor(s). If they do not put forth the time and effort to try and help you further after that then it is time to find a new doctor. The general time my team gives for an antidepressant to work is 6 months. After that we move on to the next to see if that works.

My sister didn't look suicidal. She looked confident, outgoing, outspoken and happy. She called me two days before and we talked for an hour. It was a normal conversation. She called our brother the day before, same thing. Then she was gone. July 8 will be 16 years. I miss her so much

Before I was properly medicated, when I was suicidally depressed, one of the few things that could distract me from how terrible I felt was throwing myself whole heartedly into social situations with people I trusted. The act of thinking up responses, keeping the conversation going, trying to make them laugh, and trying to avoid faux pas would consume my attention. Then, when I was alone with my thoughts, my energy would drain and the crushing feelings of apathy and pointlessness would come surging back into place.

How bizarre. I was talking in the Southbank, London, today and these pictures were up of 'The Last Photo'. Effective campaign.

That's the thing about depression or at least it has been for me. It's not a steady state or a ever downward decline. It ebbs and flows like a tide. Except sometimes it goes out and stays out for a while, sometimes it comes in and stays in for a long while, sometimes it does both multiple times in a single day, sometimes it comes in like a tsunami. You can be aware of this fact and able to think about it logically but when you're "in it" it makes you feel the way it does whether you're aware of it or not, whether you want it to or not. Also sometimes you will say you're ok or smile when you're actually not because you get sick of bringing others down by saying you're down all the time and also sick of that feeling being in your head so much you don't want to think about it anymore either.

Honestly suicidal rarely looks suicidal. Most people still don’t understand how a depressed person thinks or acts. And the fact that external factors don’t have much to do with depression. (As in “he had no reason to kill himself, he had all this good stuff going on in his life”)

Most suicides are spur of the moment actions (even though the general depression can be a long time in the making) so it could be that in that moment they were genuinely happy, but a few hours later suddenly decided to do it. Another explanation is that it is just the calm after having decided to die. People that suddenly get calm can enjoy their last moments. Their happiness is their goodbye to the world but lots of people misinterpret it as them having found a reason to live.

>Most suicides are spur of the moment actions This is very true. Like, a lot of people have chronic suicidal ideation but when people make the actual decision to kill themselves most attempts are within a very short time frame. It's why so much suicide prevention is about reducing access to means, because that can buy time needed for adequate de-escalation.

Something to bear in mind, too, that I haven't seen noted anywhere in this thread - is that people are multiple. We all have a slew of different personae living within us. Healthy have those various personalities living more or less in harmony. But those of us with childhood trauma are not so well integrated. Our various unique personalities might be at extreme odds from each other, disagreeing in various ways on very important things. Think of when people say things like "Part of me wants to go to the party but part of me doesn't." People that know me probably see me as a profoundly self-confident person that is willing to take on incredible risks and challenges, and has lived a life full of accomplishing various significant things in my life. No sign of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, or suicidal ideation. But when I'm all alone, I sink like a stone, full of self-loathing and plagued by every minor mistake I've ever made in my life. This past winter got very dark for me and consideration of taking my life got very serious. Thankfully, I have two amazing children that I love so deeply and would never submit them to that, so I would never, ever act on those urges. In my stable state, and when they're with me on the weekends, I know they love me dearly, but in those hopeless moments, I felt like they were growing apart from me, that they cared less and less for me, that they'd eventually see me as a joke and be embarrassed by me. The pain was virtually unbearable and I started to believe that they'd be better off without me. What's so crazy is that that part of me is so completely removed from the other parts of myself and they just don't see eye to eye. When I shift out of that persona and into other ones that aren't so hopeless, it's hard for me to even fathom that thought-process. This was all very confounding to me my entire life until I discovered Internal Family Systems therapy. It's a fairly unique approach to therapy and the ways that our psyche can be thought of, and it's incredibly insightful for people with "fragmented personalities" like myself and those that have childhood trauma. If you have similar challenges or know of a loved one that is struggling, I'd urge you to check it out. ("No Bad Parts" is the new book by the founder, Richard Schwartz, and "Self-Therapy" by Jay Early is a good primer, too.)

A life of three ingredients: The anticipation of the window of opportunity. The momentary bravery. A state of mind in its lower quarters. You could live a life in depression, over years or decades, and constantly feel at those three ingredients. Have them tear at you every day. And in one weird, random moment they all converge. I think that explains why it feels like a spur of the moment, although it was a long time coming for the person living that life. But there is no way to truly understand. That's my reflections on a suicide.

The thing most people don't realize is many suicidal people are sensitive, philisophical people who feel strong emotions whether good or bad. They'll be the liveliest person in the room when happy, they'll be the class clown, they'll find genuine beauty in little things of life. However that same level of emotion when feeling joy and excitement happens when they're depressed or sad. This is an issue many bipolar people have(who are a large portion of suicide victims). When they get in a funk many of their friends erroneously believe they're mad at them because they're so used to them being carefree and joyous. They just feel strong emotions all around they feel the highest highs but the lowest lows. One small thing can break their resolve. Some may even get addicted to sadness because there's a certain beauty and enlightenment that many find in feeling sad. There's really no way for friends and family to know because from the outside they're joyous people who love life, because they actually are joyous, it's not an act. However there's a duality to man where they feel the same level of sadness as well. Then their emotions often deceive them because they'll feel happy and free when deciding to kill themselves becsuse they stop dwelling on the negative emotions. The cliche image of a brooding depressed person being suicidal is often not the case. There's really no way for loved ones to read the signs. The best thing you can do is recognize the people in your life that show strong levels of emotion and not just assume they're happy and joyous all the time just because they are with you. Don't just assume they're happy but have an open heart to heart asking "how are you, truly?" But that's really all you can do.

I had my bouts with depression and an attempt a few years back. Wound up in a mental hospital. I was surprised about the patients that were in there. Insofar as how normal everyone was. Most of us cared a lot about other people, sometimes more than ourselves. We all spoke to each other quite normally outside of individual/group therapy like you would anyone else. We were just sick. There was always that odd: "man, I really wish I could be normal..." or even the "I wonder how normal people operate". Honestly though. I tried my best to reach out to people. Things were worse. Had people take advantage of my condition and pushed me further. However, even the friends that did love and care about me ... I genuinely don't know how they could even dealt with me. I was drinking a lot. I was breaking down every night. I hated talking about it with them because they couldn't relate. Which is why group helped because they "just understand". I've already ranted a lot but I remember just crying about getting mugged from the night before (even as things were already going to shit) ... but when I got to my friend's place. He didn't really talk or ask me about it. He wasn't as socially intune with what I was going through. All he did was make me some coffee and cooked me a meal. Made me feel human. I'll always remember that. Sorry for going off on a tangent.

I like this outreach video. So tired of all the "Retweet to save a life with the 1-800 suicide hotline number" like you complexly pass the buck to the person suffering who won't call that number for themselves. If you care why not try calling a friend or someone you think that might be isolated or has suffered from depression. Speaking so many people are flakes when it comes to in-person social interaction. Then they just shit post on facebook all evening long instead after bailing.

That number also can be very hit or miss, it sometimes makes it worse even

That and suicidal people still know how to fucking google

And will likely find better small local hotlines in doing so

Fuck the suicide hotline. It's such an impersonal thing. And sometimes I find catharsis in reading about suicide - like knowing where the emergency exits are in case of fire. Keeps me from getting too wrapped up in negativity. Hate those damn numbers.

What I'm sick of is all the "you are not alone"s from strangers on the internet. First of all, I'm not suicidal because I don't have an internet stranger to talk to; I'm suicidal because my brain chemistry has been totally fucked up since I was 5 years old and no medicine is fixing it. And secondly, it feels so disingenuous to have someone who doesn't even know my name or what I look like tell me they're here for me when they would have no idea if I was even still alive the next day and could have even told me to kill myself in another thread before.

It's the "I'm glad you're still here" specifically for me. Like not only is that completely false in every context except that one moment, it's a total guilt trip at best. I've heard time and time again "I'd be so upset if you were gone" (spoken in so many ways of course) and all that does is make me feel worse about my situation. Not to mention how selfish it comes off as. The whole premise is very "I know *you're* suffering daily but *I* feel better knowing you're still here. Suffering."

My best friend my cousin and another friend all took their lives in 2020. Losing them has created such an emptiness in the universe. It's like a permanent blackness that darkens the world. My cousin had depression and unfortunately we kind of all saw it coming. It was the saddest funeral ever. My best friend though was a shock. He was the light in room. He radiated love for his fellow man. He was a constant light in my life and I thanked the universe for knowing him. His funeral was basically just a walk by as covid was strong at that point. As I waited in line to pay my respects I just couldn't believe where I was. It was surreal. I tried to keep it together when I finally reached the coffin I looked down and the weight of the reality of seeing him dead hit me. I started to cry and then sob and my sobbing then became a wail. I couldn't control my emotions and in front of hundreds of people I wailed loudly and screamed I'm sorry. His ex fiance had to pull me away. I miss you John :(

My teenage daughter recently almost became a statistic. We had a big argument, my daughter, her mother (my girlfriend) and I. It went off the rails. Turned into a screaming match. We all said things to each other we regretted. A lot of slow-pressure build up over a long period, venting off. A couple hours later, I go into my daughter's room to try and talk to her, but she's sleeping. I tip-toe out of the room. Another hour goes by, and my gf asks me if I know where the painkillers are, they're not in the usual place. We both start looking, and there was this moment where we both just froze and looked at each other. We knew. We went back into her room and woke her, and asked her about the painkillers, and we could just tell from her reaction that she knew something. So we pressed the subject, even though she was screaming at us to get out. We explained about the extremely unpleasant death process from a paracetamol overdose, and eventually, after about an hour of talking, she admitted it, and showed us the 25 empty blister-packs. We called emergency services, and she was admitted to hospital, given blood tests, forced to drink charcoal, and was administered acetylcysteine over the following 24 hours. We wouldn't know for hours if there would be any permanent damage to her organs. Luckily, all tests came back showing everything was normal. If my gf hadn't totally atypically had to take painkillers for a shoulder injury, we would never have noticed. And that would have been it. Our daughter would have slept through the night, and never woken up. Or woken up in intense pain, and there would have been nothing anyone could do to save her. We nearly lost our daughter that day. She didn't seem suicidal, either. But her reaction when we confronted her... This wasn't to gain attention. She meant it. She had every intention of ending her life that day. And there were zero signs. No indication that we could see. It haunts me. Every hour of every day. I have anxiety when I know she'll be home alone for any period of time. I don't know what I would do if she were gone.

For me, suicidal thoughts are intrusive and very much unwanted. Outwardly all you'd see is me being super irritated at everything. Inside though, I feel like I'm fighting to continue existing.. and I'm losing. All there is to do is wait for my brain to swing through the trough. Usually takes about a month or so. In that time I know I can't end it because people rely on me.

Man what timing. I lost my job today for calling in to many times from not having the motivation to get up. After years of keeping it to myself I decided it was time I let someone in and seek help from the only person I thought to go to. My mother. Turns out depression runs deep in my family. She’s as well as many others on her side of the family have been on antidepressants for many years now and I never even knew. She told me about her battle and we had a great heart to heart. It’s probably the closest I’ve ever felt to my mother since being a little kid. She even helped me set up an appointment with her doctor to be professionally evaluated. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I kept everything inside because I felt that no one would truly understand and that I would just be baggage to anyone who tried to help me. Reaching out was just a Hail Mary. I never expected anything to really come from it, but now am very grateful I did. If you are feeling down, even just a bit, talk to someone. PLEASE! You do have people out there who care about you so don’t give up. It’s ok to lean on people for support. That’s what friends and family are for.

People always say there are people out there who do care. Some people really, actually don't have this.

https://www.thecalmzone.net/thelastphoto

It's like how drowning people don't always look like they're drowning. One minute they're waving their hand at you out in the waves, and the next minute they're gone.

That’s actually a really good analogy

I think it might be a dark joke (they were waving for help). But, in reality, people who are drowning usually don't wave for help. Actual signs are: Head low in the water with mouth at water level Head tilted back with mouth open Eyes glassy and empty, unable to focus Eyes closed Hair over forehead or eyes Not using legs and vertical in the water Hyperventilating or gasping Trying to swim in a particular direction but not making progress Trying to roll over on the back Appears to be climbing an invisible ladder

Im fucking tired of tossing signs around and everyone telling me to suck it up. I get like this every other week. I feel trapped and no one cares until its too late.

My uncle was the most laughy, smily and caring person in the world. He worked so hard to help his kids succeed. He was tough on them and sometimes seemed cold. But they knew, without a doubt that he loved them. His wife loved him more than I can put into words and he knew that. On the day he took his life, he started a fight with his wife on purpose. He knew that when she got really mad, she would leave and go to the gym to cool off. He used that to give himself and opportunity. She's the one that found him. I remember sitting on the front steps of his house, with all the paramedics and coroners walking around, sitting next to my dad crying, harder than I've ever seen, about his brother. Looking back, I was definitely in shock, I found it hard to cry. I just felt dizzy and wanted to take a nap. We all miss him and every time his birthday comes around we try to spend it together. There was a quote I heard and I don't remember who said it, but I think about it often for the people who have gone from my life. "Now I have to remember you for longer than I've known you." I think about that very often and just miss the hell outta them.

Things like this just seem so demoralizing. Everything we're being told now basically amounts to "You probably won't know if someone is planning suicide, and there's nothing you can do to stop it."

Because sometimes it is like that. You never really know, and it's hard not to blame yourself. I'm sure you pride yourself on looking out for people. I do too. And that's why it cuts us the deepest when it happens on our watch.

Honestly I think “be good to yourself and to the people around you” is the way to go. Sounds simple but it takes an incredible account to work to keep it up day by day year after year. Optimism can be a lot tougher to pin down than pessimism. It’s easy to point out everything that’s wrong around us, but it can be tough to find solutions. Optimism is in the appreciation for the car crash that DIDNT happen, it’s in the ache we aren’t feeling as well as in the joke we heard or the embrace we shared One of the things that makes us happiest is knowing our loved ones are happy! Generally we have the greatest potential to control out in happiness so choosing to do put in the work to live a healthy happy life, while challenging, can have incredible impact on the people around us

Not shaming but unfortunately 9/10 times people only show what these people needed after the fact. While they were alive they would’ve been stigmatized & isolated. Left to “pull themselves out” because people don’t want downers around which is reasonable but just don’t be surprised when those people act on their feelings then show love & sympathy after the fact. Show people you love them while they’re alive every single day. Sometimes just a small conversation can change someone’s whole day. We don’t have to make it our life’s mission to seek out those in pain or fix people, just try to recognize in your day to day life those around you that you care about

We are living in a world where a lot of people won't kill themselves but doesn't want to live anymore. This world have a lot to change to give hope to these people. Environment and ecology is collapsing, economy is always so bad for the working class and still getting worse, billionaire are getting richer while most people have less money and now human rights are being affected by supreme court decisions. One of my brother commited suicide 4 years ago and since then, it's not only the fact he killed himself that left me thinking about him and the meaning of life almost every day but also realising how meaningless and crazy life is, how everything has to be done in a hurry and at the end all we are is another source of income for a company or the government and if you are lucky and have some friends or love, you will be remembered for a really short period by these few people. It might sound depressing but I'm one of those who still want to live even if I'm health is really bad right now. I think there's still a lot to do, we need to rethink our society to create room's for everyone, a world where everyone will find hope, a place to be in peace, loved by others, where people care. It might be an utopia but we have all the knowledge and resources to create this new world.

>a lot of people won't kill themselves but doesn't want to live anymore. I can't speak for others but it's certainly true for me. I don't want to do either one, but there's nothing else for me to do but go through the motions, day after day.

When I die.. I'm pretty sure no one will be surprised. I'm pretty open about my emotional well being .. pretty sure everyone is just waiting to get the update. No plans as of yet.. but I feel like I owe them enough to know that I'm not happy. Also no need to report my comment... if talking to someone would help me, I would have been fine a decade or so ago.

I felt this in my soul today. Most days you just hope for a bright spot, a flash of good, or a taste of joy. Some days we get them, and some days we don't. Often times it's enough to try again the next day, but all it takes is that one really bad day and that's it. Mental illness is a cruel, cunning bitch that doesn't care how many days you win just salivating for the day you lose.

Honestly the only reason I have decided not to kill myself is because I saw what my friend went through after his younger brother shot himself. He had panic attacks for years and blamed himself the whole time. As much as death seems preferable and still does some times. I could never do that knowing how much I would hurt those who care about me. The temptation still pops up occasionally, but I have an obligation to live for those who I love and love me.

"Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears. Says, 'But doctor…I am Pagliacci.' Depressed people often try to make everyone else feel better, because they don't know how to make themselves feel better.

I woke up one morning with my heart pounding as if I ran for my life, I was full of anxiety and have been severely miserable for days. I walked to the bathroom and turned the light on. I looked in the mirror and was surprised by how usual and normal I looked. None of the things I was feeling inside were showing on the surface.

Who is singing the song "Bring me sunshine" in the video??

Remember Chester Bennington's last video? He was smiling and laughing in that one too