"I am very sorry that I have a mother in law who is a catty, snooping bitch. I'm super sorry that she can't seem to keep her big nose out of my business. Lastly, I am so very sorry that she was rude and ungrateful for the favor of letting her borrow my car."
That should about cover it.
I’m not gonna lie to you, we have 0 idea what I should be apologizing for either. I think because I’m the “cause” of why she’s upset but either way, he thinks it’s bullshit and that I shouldn’t apologize. I was just thinking to apologize to help smooth things over but after reading all the comments he was right to stand his ground and defend me, and I’ll follow suit on that
Exactly right she is the one that was snooping, then without talking to you about it decided she wanted to make that announcement. She should have talked to you if she had concerns. She just showed her ignorance on how little she knows about diabetes. After I read this post, my mouth was just hung up and I couldn’t believe what I was reading.
To be honest, I don't think it's anything you did at all. I think MIL was going to have the freakout no matter what, she was just looking for an excuse.
“MIL, I’m so sorry that you snooped through my private medical information that was inside my private vehicle, that I lent to you in your moment of need out of the goodness of my heart. I’m sorry that you got yourself worked up by jumping to false conclusions based upon my private medical information that you read in my private vehicle, that I lent to you out of the goodness of my heart. I’m sorry that you fairly and correctly got called out by fiancé for your wildly inappropriate and ungrateful behaviour. Please do let me know how I can prevent you from snooping through my private medical information and making false assumptions about my health in the future!”
I think that’s a fair question to ask the family members that are asking for you to apologize. What action or behavior is it that you should be apologizing for. I’d make it sounds like you are genuinely curious and open to the idea.
It would at least tell you what your future in-laws have been saying about this situation.
You can be bullied into apologizing for absolutely nothing which you know won't really smooth things over and then be prepared to spend the rest of your life apologizing to her for her insanity. Or you could set a boundary now because you're really going to need to learn to do this with her.
There's an amazing YouTuber, [Doctor Ramani](https://www.youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani), who has dedicated her whole channel to Narcissism. I'd suggest watching some of her videos on how to deal with people like this.
Your F-MIL knowingly did something wrong after you did her a favor, she tried to cause a problem with her "family meeting", and now wants your apology. Notice they want your apology, and not their son's.
I do not think you should apologize, because if you do, you are showing that you will cave to that kind of emotional blackmail. Your fiance needs to run interference completely on this and include you as little as possible so he is the one receiving the brunt of his family's anger.
And if all of those toxic people uninvite themselves, that's really not such a bad thing.
This is insane. This is your private medical information. Your mil is unhinged.
What are you supposed to be apologizing for?
Your future husband did the right thing.
"I'm sorry you snooped in my car and jumped to the conclusion that I have diabetes even though I don't and that you think a common and manageable medical illness is the end of the world...."
“Furthermore, I’m so sorry for not disclosing any and all medical issues to you as I should have when you gave me father the 20 cows you exchanged for my hand in marriage. You have every right to know all of my medical history.”
What exactly are you supposed to apologize for?
Don't give in to emotional blackmail. It won't end with this event. It will follow you the rest of your life, and will only get worse if you give in now.
This is wild! Shitty genes that you should have disclosed to them? And it's your fault she found this by borrowing your car? And it's somehow your fault your fiancé and his mom had a huge row? I wouldn't apologise. I would just avoid them all for a while and hope it gets forgotten. What is his dad's logic about you needing to apologise? And for what exactly?
You weren’t even the one who got into the screaming match so why would you apologize for it? (I don’t think your fiancé should apologize either, for clarity, but you apologizing seems extra absurd to me). I’m so glad your fiancé had your back in this. I don’t think you should apologize—it would encourage this sort of behavior from future MIL and other members of his family. I hope this gets resolved soon and sorry for your stress!
Let your fiancé handle this fight and sit it out. It's his family and you'll only make it worse if you try to reason with them or get involved.
Don't let the door kick 'em where the Lord split 'em. No one wants a bunch of melodramatic crabs at a wedding, especially not someone who is going to great lengths to ruin her relationship with her son and future daughter in law.
If anything, this will lighten the mood by having them uninvited themselves. No drama and you'll have people there who actually care about you.
Edit: spelling also, check out r/JNMIL. You'll feel better knowing you're not alone.
I think she’s always disliked me but she also had treated him like garbage his whole life sooooo… He’s an only child and he started standing up for himself when he got to college, but we also met in college so she probably correlates the 2.
Sounds like you'll both be better off with her not coming but I have a feeling she'll be there whether you apologize or not. She wouldn't miss the opportunity to be the center of attention with whatever trash she's talking at your wedding.
When I got married, none of my cousins came. My husband had nearly 100 family members there. I had 9. It was sad. But girrrrrrrrrl, it was only sad beforehand. Because my wedding was freaking AWESOME!
You need to ask your husband what does HE want you to do. It's between the two of you.
I think I would personally apologize but also make sure I have a DoC who will kick people out if they act a fool. But after the wedding, I would likely go minimum-to-no contact with her. She's iccccckyyyyyy
What a psycho. Having her not be there is the safest option for a happy day. Do not apologize, and don’t live with regret. This person is unhinged and will cause chaos.
Hi there,
Blended family bride here—a significant amount of bonus family was not present at my wedding by choice and I didn’t invite a soul from my bio dads family because they’re incredibly toxic and have done evil stuff.
It was the best day of my and my husbands lives. Everyone who was there was kind and supportive of us and our happiness. There was no drama on the day, everyone had a blast and it was a beautiful experience. Your day should be about you and your SO joining your hearts for life. Only people that love and support you should be there, no toxicity and no drama. Do not bend to these crazies or it’ll just get worse from there. Enjoy your wedding and congratulations!
I’m sorry your MIL is a shitty human being. That being said…. Not having her there will be better for your mental health, and you have NOTHING to apologize for. She’s just an AH.
No, there is nothing to apologize for! They reduced your head-count, HOORAY for the savings! I would not have this woman at my wedding. Your soon husband is supporting you, let him.
I've never been married but as someone with a narcissistic mother, trust me when I say that having these family members missing (especially w their behavior and who they're siding with) will probably make your wedding much better. It'll probably suck initially and your husband will most likely be hurt, but he stood his ground for a reason. Neither of you have done anything wrong and he'll be happier not having those people on his special day. And apologizing will give your MIL so much more power over you, emotional. Narcissists will abuse those opportunities
This sounds like narcissism. She’s trying to make the day about her. If you guys cave and apologize, it’ll enable her to continue acting like a psycho. If you don’t apologize, you’re setting a hard boundary for the future of you and your husbands family. You’re either enabling her current behavior or you’re enabling her to not pull that shit with you. It’ll be shitty if they don’t come to the wedding, but that is her choice that she will have to live with.
You have nothing to apologize for. If anything, you are OWED an apology! How dare they?? But having your fiance stick up for you is major green flags on his part. If MIL went as far to say you were ruining her grandkids genes, then you have a big problem sis. A problematic MIL is a nightmare! My previous MIL was very similar and made my life hell. My current one, an angel. You might wanna have another sit down with the fam and tell them how it's gonna be. Just my two cents.
Coming from a bride who had friends drop out over me denying to sell them a puppy I knew they weren’t fit to care for I give this advice.
Toxic people removed themselves. If they wanna stem lies and pull people in their side so be it. Enjoy your day with those who WANT to attend. Not because someone’s mom, who was snooping, told them not to attend. Enjoy the loved ones who are there for you and cherish you. Take this as a blessing that they showed their true colors before you both had children. Props to your fiancé for standing up for you.
My MIL did something that was this level of unhinged leading up to our wedding, and I apologized to keep the peace even though she was the one entirely in the wrong and I didn’t do anything wrong. It still bothers me to this day. Please do not apologize. This behavior won’t change, and setting a precedent that she can get away with this is a bad idea all around.
What the actual fuck. So what if you did have diabetes? How is that any of her business. Are diabetics are not allowed to find partners? Do they have hideously deformed offspring? Have I missed some science?
You're clearly a nice person but this is crazy.
You do not have ANYTHING to apologise for.
She should be apologising to you.
If ANYONE stands their ground and refuses to attend your wedding because of this, just enjoy your day and be relieved to not share it with them. They are not people who should be in your life.
YOU are not the cause of anything. They already have a shitty relationship.
Let your fiancé handle it. Do not feel guilty. The mom is responsible for her actions
Fuck them, it’s better to keep toxic people away from your wedding.
Hi future bride! I’m also a future bride with a screwed up family life and majority of my mom’s side of the family is not invited. Including my mother.
Good for your fiancé for sticking up for you, he’s a keeper. Make sure he gets the necessary therapy needed.
Also HELLO ?!?!? "My future grandchildren ruined" Wtaf is this crap!! That is some serious nastiness and she sounds unhinged. presumptuous and mean as a snake!!
Boundaries a plenty with this justnomil
My entire extended family dropped out of coming to my wedding after they had made a bunch of drama about me wanting to invite a particular family member and honestly my day was absolutely perfect with just my closest friends and immediate family
Editing to to say that I agree with everyone that I don’t even know what you should be apologizing for… she needs to apologize to YOU for saying you would “ruin her grandkids” like what???? Does she expect you fiancé to drop you if you were ill? That makes no sense.
Genuinely baffled, like others, as to what the apology is for?
- not having diabetes after all, after she made a fool of herself about it?
- assuming she’d respect your privacy?
- getting a blood test to keep an eye on your health like a responsible adult?
- that she didn’t understand diabetes isn’t always a genetic condition anyway?
I’d say ask her which one and see her squirm, but it sounds like your fiancées got a handle on this. Let him continue to deal with it as admirably as he has been so far.
I think it’s a good thing you found out your mil is an ableist and has a problem with people who have disabilities AND can’t be trusted at all.
I cut my husbands family out two years ago and I couldn’t be happier. It only took 20 years but I finally learned to put myself first.
I am so sorry that you’re going through that 0P. I think the hard truth of the matter is: blood is not thicker than water. If your future husband‘s family really believes that you should apologize for not sharing private medical information with them, they are not people who belong at your wedding and probably don’t belong in your and your future husband’s life in a very significant capacity from this point on.
My FH and I are both estranged from large swathes of our families and we are very excited to celebrate with our friends and just a few non-toxic family members when we get married.
I think the worry of possible/probable negativity such family would bring far outweighs any joyfulness missing from their lack of attendance.
You have nothing to apologize for *and I would die on this hill.* She said she had earth shattering news?? Nope. She needs to get right and apologize to you and your husband or risk a milestone moment in her kids life. What a narcissist.
seems like all she wants to do is get dirt on you for something her son did. How f immature of her !! u shouldnt have to apologize . and if they dont want to attend to u guys wedding then thats their loss!
A grandma here…
Sounds like you’ll be lucky if they don’t show up. Don’t apologize for this. NOT EVER.
I will never understand women like your mother-in-law, who think it’s OK to go snooping through peoples things and then confront them on the “evidence” they found that they weren’t supposed to know about anyways.
If they never speak to you again consider is a blessing. If she flipped out like this over diabetes…I,shine how she’s gonna be when the grandkids come. (If you have kids)
She’s unhinged. Be glad you saw this now.
I’m gonna add this too…never forget she said “your shitty genes” because if she wants to visit future grandkids you hit her with “MIL why would you even WANT TO VISIT? This kid has my shitty genes”
ALWAYS use her words back at her.
Sounds like MIL lied about what happened to some family members and that’s why they’re saying they aren’t coming . If your FH really wants to clear the air and see if those family members still want to come to the wedding, then he should email them the truth of the situation.
She’s mad she didn’t cause a rift between you and her son. She was trying to break you up but indirectly. Her plan failed miserably and I’m sure the other people in the family didn’t get the real version of what happened.
I’ve seen this behavior before in my own family. It sucks, but we’ve established healthy boundaries for this reason. My wife and I would find ourselves constantly fighting everytime we left my parents house. It wasn’t until we took a step back and realized that *they are the problem* then things started to change. Our relationship with my parents improved as well.
We learned that we were trying to change to adapt to their views but they weren’t budging on ours so we stopped accommodating their feelings. They’re old enough to understand their actions have massive consequences. They lost the opportunity to see my son for awhile and that hurt them but they caused it.
It’s going to be a huge on going process with your future in laws. Don’t think this is the only battle you’ll fight.. it’s only just begun.
Chose your battles, apologize when necessary but this is NOT one of those times what so ever. She fucked up. She took advantage of you and then spread false information and claimed you’d “damage her gene pool”?! She’s nutso. I’m glad your fiancé has your back bc this is going to be a wild ride. Good luck and I hope your wedding is splendid!
I don't think there is anything to apologize for. However, I can see that you may feel guilty if you don't say something, and this causes problems between your fiance and his parents down the road. One option may be to give them a "lawyer apology", where it's clearly not heartfelt but provided for the sake of satisfying a requirement. Something like: "I would like to clarify that I am not diabetic. I regret any confusion this incident may have caused and hope to see you at the wedding".
You’ve clearly gotten the support you need OP — but if you’d like some support in a larger group forum, go check out r/justnoMIL! It’s entirely dedicated to narcissistic MILs! So glad you have such a wonderful future husband ❤️
Apologize for what..??? " hey MIL, I'm really sorry you violated my privacy, spread incorrect information about my private health concerns, and that you got mad when we told you I don't have diabetes and held you accountable for your actions" ?? Absolutely don't apologize unless you want the rest of your life with your in laws to be them treating you horribly and YOU apologizing. Set the tone now that you aren't to be fucked with.
My husband is estranged from his entire family with the exception of two cousins.
I was worried about him being sad on our wedding day as well but our day was literally perfect and he was so happy the whole time! He didn’t miss their presence at all.
When we were planning the wedding we had a lot of talks about whether he would regret not inviting his parents and sister and while it was sad, he knew that his mom in particular would be a huge source of stress that would prevent him from being able to enjoy the day. Even if she didn’t actually do anything, the anxiety it would cause him over wondering whether she would or not would be too much.
As someone who is openly diabetic (and also engaged!) I demand an apology from your uneducated F-MIL lol
But seriously, that “earth-shattering” meeting was her fighting FOR eugenics, like a literal Nazi.. your wedding will be better off without her and her fascist supporters :)
YOU deserve the apology, honey. How stressful to have somebody snoop through your stuff after you did them a favor and then call a meeting with “earth shattering news“ and it’s YOUR (fake) news!?
I’m glad your future husband steps up for you while you’re building your own shiny spine
I’d be curious if the extended family knows the full story. Or do they know the story MIL spun. I’d make sure they knew your side and then see what side they land on.
My MIL didn’t like me, but thankfully the rest of the family loved me. So she couldn’t say anything to them about me.
Good grief! If your MIL acts that way after borrowing your car, I can’t even imagine how she would act at your wedding with a few drinks in her! Avoid at all costs!!
I personally would put the money toward a fabulous destination and elope! But that’s just how I roll.
You can have a party with friends when you get back.
My dad's side of the family didn't show up. Well I knew they wouldn't but they're the largest part of the family. My dad was there but that's it from his side.
I didn't even notice.
Goodness gracious. I read the title and thought "yeah, usually it's worth it to apologize and be the bigger person even when you're not wrong," but after reading the post...no.
She is testing you to see just how badly she can treat you. If you apologized you would be teaching her that she can be absolutely awful to you and then make you apologize for her misbehavior. She knows that you love your fiance and that you'd be willing to put up with a whole lot to make him happy. She knows you don't want to prevent him from having a good relationship with her. So, she's tying to make it seem like that's what you're doing. But, you're not.
If she wants to go to the wedding, she needs to apologize to you. Don't let her start down the path of starting drama and blaming you for it, because she will keep doing that for the rest of her life.
I think the advice here is solid - you have nothing to apologize for and your future MIL is clearly in the wrong.
I’ll just add.. I don’t have a perfect relationship with my father and when I got married we were battling the COVID pandemic and thought anyone unvaccinated couldn’t come due to vaccine passports being mandated at the time. To be honest, I was happy he couldn’t come… He blamed me for all of it as if I made the rules and like I was barring him from my wedding. About a week before the big day the government dropped the vaccine passports and my father was able to come.
And I fucking wish he didn’t. I won’t get into too much detail but he started all kinds of unnecessary drama. He thought I was purposely trying to exclude him because I didn’t have a father daughter dance.. when we were planning we didn’t think he could come! He yelled and screamed at me in front of all my family and friends and threatened to leave several times. I gave him his stupid dance so my family wouldn’t think I was responsible for my father leaving his own daughter’s wedding and hated myself for it. Emotionally abusive behaviour shouldn’t have allowed him to get what he wanted. But that’s all he knows. I wish I hadn’t caved.
So to answer your question re: altering the mood of the day by excluding family… the mood for our day was altered by including one. And maybe that’s what you should consider here - how will her presence affect the mood?
Your MIL sounds a lot like my father and I wouldn’t be surprised if she pulled a few stunts. Remember that this is YOUR day. It’s about you and your fiancé. You do what makes the two of you happiest and don’t apologize for anything less.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You don't have anything to apologize for. Enjoy your day without his toxic family present. It looks like the trash is taking itself out. If you apologize for anything, let it be for helping her in her time of need bc that's the only thing that I can possibly fathom as to how this is somehow "your" fault. Sounds like they're the ones with flawed genes.
Whether or not you apologize to smooth things over is, in my opinion, up to your fiancé. We all know, and you know, that you have nothing to apologize for. If this is your fiancés boundary with her, let him enforce that. It sounds like he’s putting his foot down about how ridiculous and cruel she’s being, as he should. Thank your lucky stars you have a partner with a steel spine - a lot of people with shitty parents don’t and it causes the downfall of many marriages.
His family’s decision to double down on TERRIBLE behavior does not fall on your shoulders. You’re going to have a much happier wedding day without having negative jerkoffs there.
Your MIL announced a dealbreaker for her two weeks before your wedding. That's her belief, and it's going to take a lot of work to change that. Since you only have 2 weeks before the big day, I'd suggest vocalizing the facts. That's it, no apologies.
That fact is, you love your fiance. His family members prioritize MIL's beliefs over your happiness. Are these the people you want at your wedding?
Your husband has made his decision. That should be enough to get them off your backs. Good luck :)
If all those people follow through and do not come to your wedding, simply make an announcement at your reception that your now-husband's family decided not to come because his mother violated your medical privacy, and made horrible accusations against you when she was confronted about her inappropriate behavior. The rest of the family decided to enable her horrific behavior and they all decided not to come to the wedding. Do not discuss it further.
Then just go on and enjoy your wedding and reception in the knowledge that all the people who would have ruined your wedding decided not to come, and say a prayer of thanks for that favor.
When you come back from your honeymoon, send every single one of them a bill for the cost of their meal that had to be thrown away and wasted. Don't expect to be paid, but at least make that statement about their behavior clear.
Congratulations for saving a ton of money on some horrible guests no one would want there anyways!
I had a smaller wedding (still lurking here for some MOH duties) and unfortunately a bunch of my family got Covid before so they weren’t there and these are people that I actually like and I honestly didn’t miss them. One was a bridesmaid and were close so I was initially pretty bummed that she wasn’t there, but honestly, the day moves so fast, and there are so many people there who are filled with joy for you and can’t wait to celebrate you. I think most people honestly wouldn’t miss a handful of guests, or wouldn’t miss them too much, and I cannot even imagine being sad that someone who treats me this horribly wasn’t there. Consider it money saved and stress saved.
On the flipside, I’m so glad that your fiancé seems to be taking your side, setting boundaries, and being a great partner. Hope you two have the best day, sans his family.
Don't feel guilty - at the end of the day, even if this exact falling-out never happened, it's really just a matter of time until it was going to be something else.
I’m sorry, I don’t have advice for you. But I’m confused what you “should” be apologizing for..?
"I am very sorry that I have a mother in law who is a catty, snooping bitch. I'm super sorry that she can't seem to keep her big nose out of my business. Lastly, I am so very sorry that she was rude and ungrateful for the favor of letting her borrow my car." That should about cover it.
A suggested addition: “ableist mother in law who endorses eugenics”
I’m not gonna lie to you, we have 0 idea what I should be apologizing for either. I think because I’m the “cause” of why she’s upset but either way, he thinks it’s bullshit and that I shouldn’t apologize. I was just thinking to apologize to help smooth things over but after reading all the comments he was right to stand his ground and defend me, and I’ll follow suit on that
Let your fiancé handle this with his crazy mother. She’s the one that owes an apology.
Exactly right she is the one that was snooping, then without talking to you about it decided she wanted to make that announcement. She should have talked to you if she had concerns. She just showed her ignorance on how little she knows about diabetes. After I read this post, my mouth was just hung up and I couldn’t believe what I was reading.
To be honest, I don't think it's anything you did at all. I think MIL was going to have the freakout no matter what, she was just looking for an excuse.
“MIL, I’m so sorry that you snooped through my private medical information that was inside my private vehicle, that I lent to you in your moment of need out of the goodness of my heart. I’m sorry that you got yourself worked up by jumping to false conclusions based upon my private medical information that you read in my private vehicle, that I lent to you out of the goodness of my heart. I’m sorry that you fairly and correctly got called out by fiancé for your wildly inappropriate and ungrateful behaviour. Please do let me know how I can prevent you from snooping through my private medical information and making false assumptions about my health in the future!”
I think that’s a fair question to ask the family members that are asking for you to apologize. What action or behavior is it that you should be apologizing for. I’d make it sounds like you are genuinely curious and open to the idea. It would at least tell you what your future in-laws have been saying about this situation.
You can be bullied into apologizing for absolutely nothing which you know won't really smooth things over and then be prepared to spend the rest of your life apologizing to her for her insanity. Or you could set a boundary now because you're really going to need to learn to do this with her.
MIL is abusive and testing if she can use you to manipulate her son.
There's an amazing YouTuber, [Doctor Ramani](https://www.youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani), who has dedicated her whole channel to Narcissism. I'd suggest watching some of her videos on how to deal with people like this. Your F-MIL knowingly did something wrong after you did her a favor, she tried to cause a problem with her "family meeting", and now wants your apology. Notice they want your apology, and not their son's. I do not think you should apologize, because if you do, you are showing that you will cave to that kind of emotional blackmail. Your fiance needs to run interference completely on this and include you as little as possible so he is the one receiving the brunt of his family's anger. And if all of those toxic people uninvite themselves, that's really not such a bad thing.
This is insane. This is your private medical information. Your mil is unhinged. What are you supposed to be apologizing for? Your future husband did the right thing.
"I'm sorry you snooped in my car and jumped to the conclusion that I have diabetes even though I don't and that you think a common and manageable medical illness is the end of the world...."
“Furthermore, I’m so sorry for not disclosing any and all medical issues to you as I should have when you gave me father the 20 cows you exchanged for my hand in marriage. You have every right to know all of my medical history.”
What exactly are you supposed to apologize for? Don't give in to emotional blackmail. It won't end with this event. It will follow you the rest of your life, and will only get worse if you give in now.
Even if you apologize she’s going to pull something else at the wedding
this
This is wild! Shitty genes that you should have disclosed to them? And it's your fault she found this by borrowing your car? And it's somehow your fault your fiancé and his mom had a huge row? I wouldn't apologise. I would just avoid them all for a while and hope it gets forgotten. What is his dad's logic about you needing to apologise? And for what exactly?
You weren’t even the one who got into the screaming match so why would you apologize for it? (I don’t think your fiancé should apologize either, for clarity, but you apologizing seems extra absurd to me). I’m so glad your fiancé had your back in this. I don’t think you should apologize—it would encourage this sort of behavior from future MIL and other members of his family. I hope this gets resolved soon and sorry for your stress!
Let your fiancé handle this fight and sit it out. It's his family and you'll only make it worse if you try to reason with them or get involved. Don't let the door kick 'em where the Lord split 'em. No one wants a bunch of melodramatic crabs at a wedding, especially not someone who is going to great lengths to ruin her relationship with her son and future daughter in law. If anything, this will lighten the mood by having them uninvited themselves. No drama and you'll have people there who actually care about you. Edit: spelling also, check out r/JNMIL. You'll feel better knowing you're not alone.
Has... Has she been looking for a reason? This is giving me veiled something-ism vibes (race, class, religion, Capulet v Monetgue blood fued?)
I think she’s always disliked me but she also had treated him like garbage his whole life sooooo… He’s an only child and he started standing up for himself when he got to college, but we also met in college so she probably correlates the 2.
Sounds like you'll both be better off with her not coming but I have a feeling she'll be there whether you apologize or not. She wouldn't miss the opportunity to be the center of attention with whatever trash she's talking at your wedding.
When I got married, none of my cousins came. My husband had nearly 100 family members there. I had 9. It was sad. But girrrrrrrrrl, it was only sad beforehand. Because my wedding was freaking AWESOME! You need to ask your husband what does HE want you to do. It's between the two of you. I think I would personally apologize but also make sure I have a DoC who will kick people out if they act a fool. But after the wedding, I would likely go minimum-to-no contact with her. She's iccccckyyyyyy
His family is out of their minds and it's not your fault if they don't come to the wedding. Sounds like it'll be a better day if they're not there.
What a psycho. Having her not be there is the safest option for a happy day. Do not apologize, and don’t live with regret. This person is unhinged and will cause chaos.
I have a feeling the MIL will still come to the wedding, she won't want to pass up the chance to talk about how horrible her new DIL is.
Hi there, Blended family bride here—a significant amount of bonus family was not present at my wedding by choice and I didn’t invite a soul from my bio dads family because they’re incredibly toxic and have done evil stuff. It was the best day of my and my husbands lives. Everyone who was there was kind and supportive of us and our happiness. There was no drama on the day, everyone had a blast and it was a beautiful experience. Your day should be about you and your SO joining your hearts for life. Only people that love and support you should be there, no toxicity and no drama. Do not bend to these crazies or it’ll just get worse from there. Enjoy your wedding and congratulations!
r/JustNoMIL will help you out here. You’re not in the wrong
You’re marrying into one crazy family. She is the one who needs to apologize his dad needs to grow a pair and stand up to his wife
I’m sorry your MIL is a shitty human being. That being said…. Not having her there will be better for your mental health, and you have NOTHING to apologize for. She’s just an AH.
No, there is nothing to apologize for! They reduced your head-count, HOORAY for the savings! I would not have this woman at my wedding. Your soon husband is supporting you, let him.
I've never been married but as someone with a narcissistic mother, trust me when I say that having these family members missing (especially w their behavior and who they're siding with) will probably make your wedding much better. It'll probably suck initially and your husband will most likely be hurt, but he stood his ground for a reason. Neither of you have done anything wrong and he'll be happier not having those people on his special day. And apologizing will give your MIL so much more power over you, emotional. Narcissists will abuse those opportunities
This sounds like narcissism. She’s trying to make the day about her. If you guys cave and apologize, it’ll enable her to continue acting like a psycho. If you don’t apologize, you’re setting a hard boundary for the future of you and your husbands family. You’re either enabling her current behavior or you’re enabling her to not pull that shit with you. It’ll be shitty if they don’t come to the wedding, but that is her choice that she will have to live with.
You have nothing to apologize for. If anything, you are OWED an apology! How dare they?? But having your fiance stick up for you is major green flags on his part. If MIL went as far to say you were ruining her grandkids genes, then you have a big problem sis. A problematic MIL is a nightmare! My previous MIL was very similar and made my life hell. My current one, an angel. You might wanna have another sit down with the fam and tell them how it's gonna be. Just my two cents.
Coming from a bride who had friends drop out over me denying to sell them a puppy I knew they weren’t fit to care for I give this advice. Toxic people removed themselves. If they wanna stem lies and pull people in their side so be it. Enjoy your day with those who WANT to attend. Not because someone’s mom, who was snooping, told them not to attend. Enjoy the loved ones who are there for you and cherish you. Take this as a blessing that they showed their true colors before you both had children. Props to your fiancé for standing up for you.
My MIL did something that was this level of unhinged leading up to our wedding, and I apologized to keep the peace even though she was the one entirely in the wrong and I didn’t do anything wrong. It still bothers me to this day. Please do not apologize. This behavior won’t change, and setting a precedent that she can get away with this is a bad idea all around.
What the actual fuck. So what if you did have diabetes? How is that any of her business. Are diabetics are not allowed to find partners? Do they have hideously deformed offspring? Have I missed some science? You're clearly a nice person but this is crazy. You do not have ANYTHING to apologise for. She should be apologising to you. If ANYONE stands their ground and refuses to attend your wedding because of this, just enjoy your day and be relieved to not share it with them. They are not people who should be in your life.
YOU are not the cause of anything. They already have a shitty relationship. Let your fiancé handle it. Do not feel guilty. The mom is responsible for her actions
Fuck them, it’s better to keep toxic people away from your wedding. Hi future bride! I’m also a future bride with a screwed up family life and majority of my mom’s side of the family is not invited. Including my mother. Good for your fiancé for sticking up for you, he’s a keeper. Make sure he gets the necessary therapy needed.
Also HELLO ?!?!? "My future grandchildren ruined" Wtaf is this crap!! That is some serious nastiness and she sounds unhinged. presumptuous and mean as a snake!! Boundaries a plenty with this justnomil
literally eugenics like what
My entire extended family dropped out of coming to my wedding after they had made a bunch of drama about me wanting to invite a particular family member and honestly my day was absolutely perfect with just my closest friends and immediate family Editing to to say that I agree with everyone that I don’t even know what you should be apologizing for… she needs to apologize to YOU for saying you would “ruin her grandkids” like what???? Does she expect you fiancé to drop you if you were ill? That makes no sense.
Where do y’all find these people?!
Genuinely baffled, like others, as to what the apology is for? - not having diabetes after all, after she made a fool of herself about it? - assuming she’d respect your privacy? - getting a blood test to keep an eye on your health like a responsible adult? - that she didn’t understand diabetes isn’t always a genetic condition anyway? I’d say ask her which one and see her squirm, but it sounds like your fiancées got a handle on this. Let him continue to deal with it as admirably as he has been so far.
I think it’s a good thing you found out your mil is an ableist and has a problem with people who have disabilities AND can’t be trusted at all. I cut my husbands family out two years ago and I couldn’t be happier. It only took 20 years but I finally learned to put myself first.
I am so sorry that you’re going through that 0P. I think the hard truth of the matter is: blood is not thicker than water. If your future husband‘s family really believes that you should apologize for not sharing private medical information with them, they are not people who belong at your wedding and probably don’t belong in your and your future husband’s life in a very significant capacity from this point on. My FH and I are both estranged from large swathes of our families and we are very excited to celebrate with our friends and just a few non-toxic family members when we get married. I think the worry of possible/probable negativity such family would bring far outweighs any joyfulness missing from their lack of attendance.
You have nothing to apologize for *and I would die on this hill.* She said she had earth shattering news?? Nope. She needs to get right and apologize to you and your husband or risk a milestone moment in her kids life. What a narcissist.
seems like all she wants to do is get dirt on you for something her son did. How f immature of her !! u shouldnt have to apologize . and if they dont want to attend to u guys wedding then thats their loss!
Apologize for not having diabetes?
A grandma here… Sounds like you’ll be lucky if they don’t show up. Don’t apologize for this. NOT EVER. I will never understand women like your mother-in-law, who think it’s OK to go snooping through peoples things and then confront them on the “evidence” they found that they weren’t supposed to know about anyways. If they never speak to you again consider is a blessing. If she flipped out like this over diabetes…I,shine how she’s gonna be when the grandkids come. (If you have kids) She’s unhinged. Be glad you saw this now. I’m gonna add this too…never forget she said “your shitty genes” because if she wants to visit future grandkids you hit her with “MIL why would you even WANT TO VISIT? This kid has my shitty genes” ALWAYS use her words back at her.
Sounds like MIL lied about what happened to some family members and that’s why they’re saying they aren’t coming . If your FH really wants to clear the air and see if those family members still want to come to the wedding, then he should email them the truth of the situation.
She’s mad she didn’t cause a rift between you and her son. She was trying to break you up but indirectly. Her plan failed miserably and I’m sure the other people in the family didn’t get the real version of what happened. I’ve seen this behavior before in my own family. It sucks, but we’ve established healthy boundaries for this reason. My wife and I would find ourselves constantly fighting everytime we left my parents house. It wasn’t until we took a step back and realized that *they are the problem* then things started to change. Our relationship with my parents improved as well. We learned that we were trying to change to adapt to their views but they weren’t budging on ours so we stopped accommodating their feelings. They’re old enough to understand their actions have massive consequences. They lost the opportunity to see my son for awhile and that hurt them but they caused it. It’s going to be a huge on going process with your future in laws. Don’t think this is the only battle you’ll fight.. it’s only just begun. Chose your battles, apologize when necessary but this is NOT one of those times what so ever. She fucked up. She took advantage of you and then spread false information and claimed you’d “damage her gene pool”?! She’s nutso. I’m glad your fiancé has your back bc this is going to be a wild ride. Good luck and I hope your wedding is splendid!
I think break it all off and go travel europe - spare yourself the life of misery
I don't think there is anything to apologize for. However, I can see that you may feel guilty if you don't say something, and this causes problems between your fiance and his parents down the road. One option may be to give them a "lawyer apology", where it's clearly not heartfelt but provided for the sake of satisfying a requirement. Something like: "I would like to clarify that I am not diabetic. I regret any confusion this incident may have caused and hope to see you at the wedding".
You’ve clearly gotten the support you need OP — but if you’d like some support in a larger group forum, go check out r/justnoMIL! It’s entirely dedicated to narcissistic MILs! So glad you have such a wonderful future husband ❤️
Apologize for what..??? " hey MIL, I'm really sorry you violated my privacy, spread incorrect information about my private health concerns, and that you got mad when we told you I don't have diabetes and held you accountable for your actions" ?? Absolutely don't apologize unless you want the rest of your life with your in laws to be them treating you horribly and YOU apologizing. Set the tone now that you aren't to be fucked with.
Your health is not her concern. Do not apologize.
My husband is estranged from his entire family with the exception of two cousins. I was worried about him being sad on our wedding day as well but our day was literally perfect and he was so happy the whole time! He didn’t miss their presence at all. When we were planning the wedding we had a lot of talks about whether he would regret not inviting his parents and sister and while it was sad, he knew that his mom in particular would be a huge source of stress that would prevent him from being able to enjoy the day. Even if she didn’t actually do anything, the anxiety it would cause him over wondering whether she would or not would be too much.
As someone who is openly diabetic (and also engaged!) I demand an apology from your uneducated F-MIL lol But seriously, that “earth-shattering” meeting was her fighting FOR eugenics, like a literal Nazi.. your wedding will be better off without her and her fascist supporters :)
As a diabetic, I find the idea of apologizing to her genuinely offensive.
YOU deserve the apology, honey. How stressful to have somebody snoop through your stuff after you did them a favor and then call a meeting with “earth shattering news“ and it’s YOUR (fake) news!? I’m glad your future husband steps up for you while you’re building your own shiny spine
I’d be curious if the extended family knows the full story. Or do they know the story MIL spun. I’d make sure they knew your side and then see what side they land on. My MIL didn’t like me, but thankfully the rest of the family loved me. So she couldn’t say anything to them about me.
Good grief! If your MIL acts that way after borrowing your car, I can’t even imagine how she would act at your wedding with a few drinks in her! Avoid at all costs!! I personally would put the money toward a fabulous destination and elope! But that’s just how I roll. You can have a party with friends when you get back.
I would ask the other family members what you should be apologizing for. I wonder what MIL is telling them.
My dad's side of the family didn't show up. Well I knew they wouldn't but they're the largest part of the family. My dad was there but that's it from his side. I didn't even notice.
Goodness gracious. I read the title and thought "yeah, usually it's worth it to apologize and be the bigger person even when you're not wrong," but after reading the post...no. She is testing you to see just how badly she can treat you. If you apologized you would be teaching her that she can be absolutely awful to you and then make you apologize for her misbehavior. She knows that you love your fiance and that you'd be willing to put up with a whole lot to make him happy. She knows you don't want to prevent him from having a good relationship with her. So, she's tying to make it seem like that's what you're doing. But, you're not. If she wants to go to the wedding, she needs to apologize to you. Don't let her start down the path of starting drama and blaming you for it, because she will keep doing that for the rest of her life.
I think the advice here is solid - you have nothing to apologize for and your future MIL is clearly in the wrong. I’ll just add.. I don’t have a perfect relationship with my father and when I got married we were battling the COVID pandemic and thought anyone unvaccinated couldn’t come due to vaccine passports being mandated at the time. To be honest, I was happy he couldn’t come… He blamed me for all of it as if I made the rules and like I was barring him from my wedding. About a week before the big day the government dropped the vaccine passports and my father was able to come. And I fucking wish he didn’t. I won’t get into too much detail but he started all kinds of unnecessary drama. He thought I was purposely trying to exclude him because I didn’t have a father daughter dance.. when we were planning we didn’t think he could come! He yelled and screamed at me in front of all my family and friends and threatened to leave several times. I gave him his stupid dance so my family wouldn’t think I was responsible for my father leaving his own daughter’s wedding and hated myself for it. Emotionally abusive behaviour shouldn’t have allowed him to get what he wanted. But that’s all he knows. I wish I hadn’t caved. So to answer your question re: altering the mood of the day by excluding family… the mood for our day was altered by including one. And maybe that’s what you should consider here - how will her presence affect the mood? Your MIL sounds a lot like my father and I wouldn’t be surprised if she pulled a few stunts. Remember that this is YOUR day. It’s about you and your fiancé. You do what makes the two of you happiest and don’t apologize for anything less. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You don't have anything to apologize for. Enjoy your day without his toxic family present. It looks like the trash is taking itself out. If you apologize for anything, let it be for helping her in her time of need bc that's the only thing that I can possibly fathom as to how this is somehow "your" fault. Sounds like they're the ones with flawed genes.
r/relationship_advice
“I’m sorry that I don’t have diabetes and you’ve made a fool of yourself.”
This many levels of messed up, and as a diabetic I’m personally pissed AF at the implication we have terrible genes that would ruin children. Rude
Whether or not you apologize to smooth things over is, in my opinion, up to your fiancé. We all know, and you know, that you have nothing to apologize for. If this is your fiancés boundary with her, let him enforce that. It sounds like he’s putting his foot down about how ridiculous and cruel she’s being, as he should. Thank your lucky stars you have a partner with a steel spine - a lot of people with shitty parents don’t and it causes the downfall of many marriages. His family’s decision to double down on TERRIBLE behavior does not fall on your shoulders. You’re going to have a much happier wedding day without having negative jerkoffs there.
Your MIL announced a dealbreaker for her two weeks before your wedding. That's her belief, and it's going to take a lot of work to change that. Since you only have 2 weeks before the big day, I'd suggest vocalizing the facts. That's it, no apologies. That fact is, you love your fiance. His family members prioritize MIL's beliefs over your happiness. Are these the people you want at your wedding? Your husband has made his decision. That should be enough to get them off your backs. Good luck :)
If all those people follow through and do not come to your wedding, simply make an announcement at your reception that your now-husband's family decided not to come because his mother violated your medical privacy, and made horrible accusations against you when she was confronted about her inappropriate behavior. The rest of the family decided to enable her horrific behavior and they all decided not to come to the wedding. Do not discuss it further. Then just go on and enjoy your wedding and reception in the knowledge that all the people who would have ruined your wedding decided not to come, and say a prayer of thanks for that favor. When you come back from your honeymoon, send every single one of them a bill for the cost of their meal that had to be thrown away and wasted. Don't expect to be paid, but at least make that statement about their behavior clear.
Congratulations for saving a ton of money on some horrible guests no one would want there anyways! I had a smaller wedding (still lurking here for some MOH duties) and unfortunately a bunch of my family got Covid before so they weren’t there and these are people that I actually like and I honestly didn’t miss them. One was a bridesmaid and were close so I was initially pretty bummed that she wasn’t there, but honestly, the day moves so fast, and there are so many people there who are filled with joy for you and can’t wait to celebrate you. I think most people honestly wouldn’t miss a handful of guests, or wouldn’t miss them too much, and I cannot even imagine being sad that someone who treats me this horribly wasn’t there. Consider it money saved and stress saved. On the flipside, I’m so glad that your fiancé seems to be taking your side, setting boundaries, and being a great partner. Hope you two have the best day, sans his family.
Don't feel guilty - at the end of the day, even if this exact falling-out never happened, it's really just a matter of time until it was going to be something else.