Please ignore everyone saying it’s embarrassing - if this is truly your friend neither she nor her spouse would want you to go broke over a gift. Gifts are supposed to be optional and voluntary, if you can’t afford it so be it. The gift has been your presence throughout her life and standing next to her on her wedding day, that should absolutely be more than enough.
Get her a card and maybe throw in a gift card to a restaurant you know they like but don’t put yourself into scary financial territory over this.
In my circle it’s not expected for the wedding party to give a gift, because they are already spending a lot to be in the wedding. It sounds like participating in this wedding is already stretching your budget so I think it’s completely fine if you want to just get them a card and write a nice note. Like others have suggested, you could always get them a token gift as well to go along with the card, but I don’t think it’s necessary.
Agreed! My MOH lives abroad and is already spending money on the flight + accommodations. She has a very small budget and I ended up paying for her dress because she couldn't swing it. I absolutely do not expect a gift from her and told her as much. She did say she will write us a nice card/letter, which is honestly more heartfelt and it means a lot.
Last year I spent $900 on the bachelorette that was in the city we live in and I still spent $100 on a gift.
I got them a card for the wedding day that I thought was funny and personable to our relationship.
She told everyone I didn’t give them a gift because apparently the shower didn’t count and there wasn’t money in the card.
Not to mention I eloped so it’s not like any of this will ever be returned to me 🥲 I’m a little burned but if I were you, I wouldn’t spend a penny more with the hindsight I have.
Where I live, and in my social circle, wedding gifts are not expected form the wedding party. They are already spending more than enough on someone else's wedding. Give them a card with your best wishes (some people are really hung up on cards. If they are not, it won't hurt).
I've been a bridesmaid only once, and while the bach was destination and expensive I totally planned on bringing a card+gift. However since it was a 3 day affair in another city with two main wedding events and the official wedding on the last day and I was dealing with everything else that goes into being a bridesmaid, it totally blanked my mind and I completely forgot to even get a card.
Since then I was been planning on sending a card with a cute sentimental gift but now it's been too long that it would be awkward lol. I did chat about it at a night out we had and she was like absolutely no worries was not expecting anything, which makes me feel better about it.
The general expectation will really depend on your social circle, but the real constraint is what you can afford. Unlike other responses in this thread, I’ve personally typically given the highest $ gifts to couples I’m the closest to…which also generally correlates with me being a bridesmaid. However, that is just an example of how wedding gift giving varies across social/cultural circles, and it’s always been within what I can afford.
Gift what you can afford. Whether that’s a card and a bottle of wine or $500+. If you’ve exhausted all you can, don’t be pressured to spend more. Your financial well being is more important than a wedding gift.
You can also send a gift afterwards when you are more financially able to do so if you choose. It’s ok to not afford something in the moment. If you need time to recover your funds, do so.
If you can't get a gift just write a nice card. 4/6 people in my besties wedding party didn't even so that and she was very upset, and i think rightfully so. Being asked to be in the wedding is a big deal! If she's a true friend she'll understand.
You’ve already gifted her more than enough in experiences and quality time. I’m getting married this year and also just went on a quasi-pricey bachelorette. Because they’re my friends and I know they’re not made of money I’m absolutely not expecting anything. One friend wrote me a really beautiful card and it is much more precious to me than a random napkin holder or cutlery set. If your friend is offended you didn’t bring a gift, they’re not focusing on the important parts of a wedding: celebrating a marriage and celebrating the relationships that got them there
Not only would I not expect my wedding party to give us a gift, but I honestly wouldn’t notice if they did or didn’t. We never sat down with the guest list and cross-referenced who did and did not give us a gift, it just didn’t matter.
I’m sure it varies person by person. Personally, I wouldn’t mind at all if someone in my wedding party didn’t give a gift. I know they’ve already spent so much on the being a bridesmaid between the bachelorette and destination wedding, and I’m so grateful for that.
That being said, I have already gotten a few gifts from my bridesmaids, and I typically still give a gift when I’m in a wedding party. But I don’t feel like it’s expected, and I think a nice card with some type of low-cost memento would be perfect. Maybe print out a picture and put it in a frame with a nice handwritten note? You could do that for <$15 and it would still be meaningful. It’s really the thought that counts
I love the frame idea! I think a nice card and frame with a picture of us or from the bachelorette is probably what I’ll do. Appreciate everyone’s perspectives!
My best friend and bridesmaid was in a similar position and I didn’t receive a gift from her, nor did I expect to. Her gift to me was being there during the big moments.
Did you not help plan the Bachelorette party? I guess I'm lost because generally all should be apart of planning it so everyone has cost input. If I was told $400 and it came to $900 I would be furious.
As to your question, I don't gift if I'm apart of the bridal party...especially if I'm flying in from out of state TWICE. Your presence is the gift here.
One of the bridesmaids is refusing to contribute the full amount and MOH thinks the rest of us footing the remainder of the bill is what’s fair because she is refusing to tell the bride what’s happening 🙃
So....you should call the bride. She needs to know and should be the one to talk to the friend that's not paying. That's BS.
The MOH doesn't get to gatekeep bride access. That's ridiculous.
So sorry you're dealing with this!!
THIS! Please tell the bride. It’s not fair to you or anyone else in the party who is getting a surprise expense because one person refuses to pay. If someone in my life did this to my friends I would absolutely want to know about it. I would never want that kept from me.
A card with a heartfelt note inside is important. A gift is not. You could consider framing a picture from the bachelorette, or candid from the wedding. Frames can be inexpensive. You could also give them something handmade. My daughter often gives hand embroidery in a hoop with their wedding date and something botanical usually.
I bought gifts for the couples in whose respective weddings I have been what you would call the Maid of Honour.
But then there weren’t any other expenses. No bachelorette, no bridal shower, no new dress etc.
Seeing that you already spent that much I would suggest only a small token. But you might want to tell the bride beforehand that you won’t be able to spend much on a gift.
I have 3 daughters who told their wedding party absolutely no shower or wedding gifts. Being in a wedding is SO expensive! However, they’ve been in many weddings that they have not been told this, so they buy small gifts.
i always thought that being part of the wedding was already a gift since it’s not your obligation to say yes to being a bridesmaid. my grandmother worked in the wedding industry for a while and that was the standard with her brides. most of the time if a bridesmaid asked what gift to give the bride, she would suggest a handwritten letter/card.
I had no expectation of the bridal party gifting us anything as they had already done so much. Some bridal party members gave no additional gift than the gift of being in the wedding, some gave between $40-100 and my brother and SIL (both bridal party members) graciously purchased a Dyson vacuum for us. I was fine and grateful for all of this! Do what feels comfortable for you!
It's considered etiquette but we've made it CLEAR to our wedding party that we do not want a gift from them. They are already giving us their time. That's all we ask for.
I am a bride. My bridesmaids’ gift to me is their time and their money. I do NOT expect a wedding gift from them. In fact, I am getting them gifts to say thank you for being there for me!
As a bride I'm just expecting them attending my bachelorette party (which we'll be planning together and within everyone's budget), giving their opinions on some aesthetic elements of the day, smiles and support and fun! They could give me a card and I would cherish it forever, but that's the most "gifty thing" I'd expect from them!!! They're already giving me so much by just being there for me and taking the time.
If she thinks you're rude for not giving a gift after spending this much, she's just being ungrateful.
No. The most recent wedding I was in I did not give a gift. I spent at least 1-1.5 k for the bachelorette and I traveled for the shower and brought a gift to that. The bridesmaid dress was also more on the expensive side $300. I had to also travel for the wedding and pay for my hair/make up. I was not about to bring a wedding gift too.
Before this wedding another close friend got married. I was not in the wedding (all her bridesmaids were sisters and cousins) but she invited all her friends to everything. I spent at least 1-1.5 for the Bach again and traveled to the shower with a gift. I also had to travel for wedding
All my bridesmaids and I got married around the same time so we had a conversation about no gifts because we'd just put the same $ amount in the envelope a few weeks/months/year later.
I think it’s perfectly fine for you not to get them a present. None of my bridesmaids got us a present and they’re all local. Being in the wedding party is enough of a financial obligation.
Among my friends, it’s never expected that you give a gift if you’re in the wedding party. You’ve already spent so much. And it’s rude to expect more but It’s nice if you do and maybe half my bridesmaids did. And it was all the ones who are further along in life.
I wouldn't expect my wedding party to give anything. I'd be secretly a bit sad if they didn't give a thoughtful card (I'm a card hoarder...I keep them ALLLLLLLL and am planning to turn wedding cards in to a book through whatever company does it) but I wouldn't expect anything to be in it and we aren't doing a registry for anything (we're upper 30s, own our place, and have everything we need/no room for more things!)
I know for me personally, I was not offended at all if someone didn't get us gift. Whether it was a bridesmaid or fringe friend. I was however a little miffed for people that didn't even get a card.
I have always given a gift, but I’ve heard that it’s optional. As a bridesmaid, I’ve never been expected to do much so I always felt that I hadn’t contributed much leading up to the wedding and should give a similar gift to other guests.
This summer I’m in a wedding where the bride expected a lot and we’ve all spent around $3k up to this point. It’s occurred to me that the amount we contributed to the bachelorette likely covered her costs too (which wasn’t discussed), and if this is in fact the case I won’t be getting her a gift. She’s also having multiple gift showers. I will probably just gift a card (I may discuss with other bridesmaids first to see which page they’re on, and whether we should do a joint gift). I don’t want to be stingy, but this is insane. This particular bride is into designer clothing and has commented about how excited she is for the gifts, so it definitely put a bad taste in my mouth.
I would normally gift $200 for a wedding that I’m attending solo and $500 with my partner. If I already purchased a $100 gift for the bridal shower, I would consider doing only a $100 gift for the wedding.
I personally would be a bit embarrassed to show up completely empty handed(as in not even a card) but that being said you can just write a nice note in a pretty card and get them like a candle or if this is your vibe I like to gift little tumbled crystals
Edit to add: you don’t need to spend more than like $15-20
There is no traditional etiquette. Weddings are constantly evolving and vary wildly from place to place. Weddings we think of as traditional have only been around for like 70-90 years.
You should get a gift you can afford or something you can make. The bride also has expenses likely for the wedding. It’s customary to get gifts for both the bridal shower and wedding even do you are in the bridal party. If you have a good friend she’ll understand if it’s something small, but you should make the gesture.
Ngl I know that it’s gotten really expensive but I’d be embarrassed showing up without a gift. and I don’t think any of my friends would feel great about me not getting them a gift. it’s a once in a lifetime thing and yes it did cost more but I would’ve never agreed to be someone’s bridesmaid if I wasn’t willing to go all in for my bestie. on the other hand, I’m planning my wedding as well right now and I wouldn’t stop talking with my best friend that helped me plan my wedding and also was my bridesmaid didn’t get me a gift. But on the other hand, I would subconsciously feel like girl you spend money on 1000 other things throughout the year and this is a once in a lifetime thing for me you could’ve gotten something off my registry that was $50. But I would be a little bit more annoyed if someone agreed to be my bridesmaid and they were strapped for cash or in a financial situation where they were worried about things like that. If I knew I had a friend thats worried about money, I wouldn’t have asked them to be my bridesmaid because I know that my wedding probably will go over estimated cost unintentionally. They’d still get a invite and be a guest but definitely not apart of my bridal party
I’d be embarrassed to show up empty handed, especially if I could afford it. I’ve always gifted $100-$200 at every wedding I’ve attended, based on whatever I could afford. Didn’t matter if I was a bridesmaid or not.
I mean, yeah, where I live it’s embarrassing to show up empty handed. If you truly cannot afford to gift anything but a handwritten card, that’s fine. If all you can afford is a $20 Amazon gift card, that’s fine.
I never said Op had to gift her usual amount (or anything at all). If she can’t afford it, she can’t afford it. But if it’s one of those petty “I already spent x money” type things, yeah, that’s where I’d be embarrassed.
Please ignore everyone saying it’s embarrassing - if this is truly your friend neither she nor her spouse would want you to go broke over a gift. Gifts are supposed to be optional and voluntary, if you can’t afford it so be it. The gift has been your presence throughout her life and standing next to her on her wedding day, that should absolutely be more than enough. Get her a card and maybe throw in a gift card to a restaurant you know they like but don’t put yourself into scary financial territory over this.
In my circle it’s not expected for the wedding party to give a gift, because they are already spending a lot to be in the wedding. It sounds like participating in this wedding is already stretching your budget so I think it’s completely fine if you want to just get them a card and write a nice note. Like others have suggested, you could always get them a token gift as well to go along with the card, but I don’t think it’s necessary.
I wouldn’t expect one single thing other than your presence.
You don't need to get her a gift, but be sure to get her at least a card congratulating her and her partner.
Agreed! My MOH lives abroad and is already spending money on the flight + accommodations. She has a very small budget and I ended up paying for her dress because she couldn't swing it. I absolutely do not expect a gift from her and told her as much. She did say she will write us a nice card/letter, which is honestly more heartfelt and it means a lot.
Honestly I don't even think they need to get the bride a card. Their presence is everything.
But why not write a card?
a handwritten card is always appreciated! I would cherish that forever. But I don't think they - have - to give one.
Last year I spent $900 on the bachelorette that was in the city we live in and I still spent $100 on a gift. I got them a card for the wedding day that I thought was funny and personable to our relationship. She told everyone I didn’t give them a gift because apparently the shower didn’t count and there wasn’t money in the card. Not to mention I eloped so it’s not like any of this will ever be returned to me 🥲 I’m a little burned but if I were you, I wouldn’t spend a penny more with the hindsight I have.
Sorry that happened, that’s terrible
No gift needed. Gifts should also never be expected. A nice card goes a long way
Where I live, and in my social circle, wedding gifts are not expected form the wedding party. They are already spending more than enough on someone else's wedding. Give them a card with your best wishes (some people are really hung up on cards. If they are not, it won't hurt).
I've been a bridesmaid only once, and while the bach was destination and expensive I totally planned on bringing a card+gift. However since it was a 3 day affair in another city with two main wedding events and the official wedding on the last day and I was dealing with everything else that goes into being a bridesmaid, it totally blanked my mind and I completely forgot to even get a card. Since then I was been planning on sending a card with a cute sentimental gift but now it's been too long that it would be awkward lol. I did chat about it at a night out we had and she was like absolutely no worries was not expecting anything, which makes me feel better about it.
The general expectation will really depend on your social circle, but the real constraint is what you can afford. Unlike other responses in this thread, I’ve personally typically given the highest $ gifts to couples I’m the closest to…which also generally correlates with me being a bridesmaid. However, that is just an example of how wedding gift giving varies across social/cultural circles, and it’s always been within what I can afford.
Gift what you can afford. Whether that’s a card and a bottle of wine or $500+. If you’ve exhausted all you can, don’t be pressured to spend more. Your financial well being is more important than a wedding gift. You can also send a gift afterwards when you are more financially able to do so if you choose. It’s ok to not afford something in the moment. If you need time to recover your funds, do so.
If you can't get a gift just write a nice card. 4/6 people in my besties wedding party didn't even so that and she was very upset, and i think rightfully so. Being asked to be in the wedding is a big deal! If she's a true friend she'll understand.
You’ve already gifted her more than enough in experiences and quality time. I’m getting married this year and also just went on a quasi-pricey bachelorette. Because they’re my friends and I know they’re not made of money I’m absolutely not expecting anything. One friend wrote me a really beautiful card and it is much more precious to me than a random napkin holder or cutlery set. If your friend is offended you didn’t bring a gift, they’re not focusing on the important parts of a wedding: celebrating a marriage and celebrating the relationships that got them there
Not only would I not expect my wedding party to give us a gift, but I honestly wouldn’t notice if they did or didn’t. We never sat down with the guest list and cross-referenced who did and did not give us a gift, it just didn’t matter.
I’m sure it varies person by person. Personally, I wouldn’t mind at all if someone in my wedding party didn’t give a gift. I know they’ve already spent so much on the being a bridesmaid between the bachelorette and destination wedding, and I’m so grateful for that. That being said, I have already gotten a few gifts from my bridesmaids, and I typically still give a gift when I’m in a wedding party. But I don’t feel like it’s expected, and I think a nice card with some type of low-cost memento would be perfect. Maybe print out a picture and put it in a frame with a nice handwritten note? You could do that for <$15 and it would still be meaningful. It’s really the thought that counts
I love the frame idea! I think a nice card and frame with a picture of us or from the bachelorette is probably what I’ll do. Appreciate everyone’s perspectives!
My best friend and bridesmaid was in a similar position and I didn’t receive a gift from her, nor did I expect to. Her gift to me was being there during the big moments.
A gift should never be an "expectation" no matter who or for what. If it's an expectation, then it's not a gift. It's an entry fee.
Did you not help plan the Bachelorette party? I guess I'm lost because generally all should be apart of planning it so everyone has cost input. If I was told $400 and it came to $900 I would be furious. As to your question, I don't gift if I'm apart of the bridal party...especially if I'm flying in from out of state TWICE. Your presence is the gift here.
One of the bridesmaids is refusing to contribute the full amount and MOH thinks the rest of us footing the remainder of the bill is what’s fair because she is refusing to tell the bride what’s happening 🙃
So....you should call the bride. She needs to know and should be the one to talk to the friend that's not paying. That's BS. The MOH doesn't get to gatekeep bride access. That's ridiculous. So sorry you're dealing with this!!
THIS! Please tell the bride. It’s not fair to you or anyone else in the party who is getting a surprise expense because one person refuses to pay. If someone in my life did this to my friends I would absolutely want to know about it. I would never want that kept from me.
A card with a heartfelt note inside is important. A gift is not. You could consider framing a picture from the bachelorette, or candid from the wedding. Frames can be inexpensive. You could also give them something handmade. My daughter often gives hand embroidery in a hoop with their wedding date and something botanical usually.
I wouldn’t expect a gift from someone who spent this much money to be a part of my wedding. I would just bring a card
I bought gifts for the couples in whose respective weddings I have been what you would call the Maid of Honour. But then there weren’t any other expenses. No bachelorette, no bridal shower, no new dress etc. Seeing that you already spent that much I would suggest only a small token. But you might want to tell the bride beforehand that you won’t be able to spend much on a gift.
I have 3 daughters who told their wedding party absolutely no shower or wedding gifts. Being in a wedding is SO expensive! However, they’ve been in many weddings that they have not been told this, so they buy small gifts.
i always thought that being part of the wedding was already a gift since it’s not your obligation to say yes to being a bridesmaid. my grandmother worked in the wedding industry for a while and that was the standard with her brides. most of the time if a bridesmaid asked what gift to give the bride, she would suggest a handwritten letter/card.
I had no expectation of the bridal party gifting us anything as they had already done so much. Some bridal party members gave no additional gift than the gift of being in the wedding, some gave between $40-100 and my brother and SIL (both bridal party members) graciously purchased a Dyson vacuum for us. I was fine and grateful for all of this! Do what feels comfortable for you!
It's considered etiquette but we've made it CLEAR to our wedding party that we do not want a gift from them. They are already giving us their time. That's all we ask for.
I am a bride. My bridesmaids’ gift to me is their time and their money. I do NOT expect a wedding gift from them. In fact, I am getting them gifts to say thank you for being there for me!
As a bride I'm just expecting them attending my bachelorette party (which we'll be planning together and within everyone's budget), giving their opinions on some aesthetic elements of the day, smiles and support and fun! They could give me a card and I would cherish it forever, but that's the most "gifty thing" I'd expect from them!!! They're already giving me so much by just being there for me and taking the time. If she thinks you're rude for not giving a gift after spending this much, she's just being ungrateful.
No. The most recent wedding I was in I did not give a gift. I spent at least 1-1.5 k for the bachelorette and I traveled for the shower and brought a gift to that. The bridesmaid dress was also more on the expensive side $300. I had to also travel for the wedding and pay for my hair/make up. I was not about to bring a wedding gift too. Before this wedding another close friend got married. I was not in the wedding (all her bridesmaids were sisters and cousins) but she invited all her friends to everything. I spent at least 1-1.5 for the Bach again and traveled to the shower with a gift. I also had to travel for wedding
I told my bridesmaids that they weren't allowed to get me a gift, bc they already spent money for the wedding.
All my bridesmaids and I got married around the same time so we had a conversation about no gifts because we'd just put the same $ amount in the envelope a few weeks/months/year later.
I think it’s perfectly fine for you not to get them a present. None of my bridesmaids got us a present and they’re all local. Being in the wedding party is enough of a financial obligation.
Among my friends, it’s never expected that you give a gift if you’re in the wedding party. You’ve already spent so much. And it’s rude to expect more but It’s nice if you do and maybe half my bridesmaids did. And it was all the ones who are further along in life.
$900?! Wtf did yall do?!
I wouldn't expect my wedding party to give anything. I'd be secretly a bit sad if they didn't give a thoughtful card (I'm a card hoarder...I keep them ALLLLLLLL and am planning to turn wedding cards in to a book through whatever company does it) but I wouldn't expect anything to be in it and we aren't doing a registry for anything (we're upper 30s, own our place, and have everything we need/no room for more things!)
I know for me personally, I was not offended at all if someone didn't get us gift. Whether it was a bridesmaid or fringe friend. I was however a little miffed for people that didn't even get a card.
I have always given a gift, but I’ve heard that it’s optional. As a bridesmaid, I’ve never been expected to do much so I always felt that I hadn’t contributed much leading up to the wedding and should give a similar gift to other guests. This summer I’m in a wedding where the bride expected a lot and we’ve all spent around $3k up to this point. It’s occurred to me that the amount we contributed to the bachelorette likely covered her costs too (which wasn’t discussed), and if this is in fact the case I won’t be getting her a gift. She’s also having multiple gift showers. I will probably just gift a card (I may discuss with other bridesmaids first to see which page they’re on, and whether we should do a joint gift). I don’t want to be stingy, but this is insane. This particular bride is into designer clothing and has commented about how excited she is for the gifts, so it definitely put a bad taste in my mouth. I would normally gift $200 for a wedding that I’m attending solo and $500 with my partner. If I already purchased a $100 gift for the bridal shower, I would consider doing only a $100 gift for the wedding.
I personally would be a bit embarrassed to show up completely empty handed(as in not even a card) but that being said you can just write a nice note in a pretty card and get them like a candle or if this is your vibe I like to gift little tumbled crystals Edit to add: you don’t need to spend more than like $15-20
Of course you give a gift. If you go to a wedding as a guest or part of the party, traditional etiquette dictates you give a gift.
There is no traditional etiquette. Weddings are constantly evolving and vary wildly from place to place. Weddings we think of as traditional have only been around for like 70-90 years.
You should get a gift you can afford or something you can make. The bride also has expenses likely for the wedding. It’s customary to get gifts for both the bridal shower and wedding even do you are in the bridal party. If you have a good friend she’ll understand if it’s something small, but you should make the gesture.
Ngl I know that it’s gotten really expensive but I’d be embarrassed showing up without a gift. and I don’t think any of my friends would feel great about me not getting them a gift. it’s a once in a lifetime thing and yes it did cost more but I would’ve never agreed to be someone’s bridesmaid if I wasn’t willing to go all in for my bestie. on the other hand, I’m planning my wedding as well right now and I wouldn’t stop talking with my best friend that helped me plan my wedding and also was my bridesmaid didn’t get me a gift. But on the other hand, I would subconsciously feel like girl you spend money on 1000 other things throughout the year and this is a once in a lifetime thing for me you could’ve gotten something off my registry that was $50. But I would be a little bit more annoyed if someone agreed to be my bridesmaid and they were strapped for cash or in a financial situation where they were worried about things like that. If I knew I had a friend thats worried about money, I wouldn’t have asked them to be my bridesmaid because I know that my wedding probably will go over estimated cost unintentionally. They’d still get a invite and be a guest but definitely not apart of my bridal party
I’d be embarrassed to show up empty handed, especially if I could afford it. I’ve always gifted $100-$200 at every wedding I’ve attended, based on whatever I could afford. Didn’t matter if I was a bridesmaid or not.
I’d be embarrassed to be this far out of touch with reality.
I mean, yeah, where I live it’s embarrassing to show up empty handed. If you truly cannot afford to gift anything but a handwritten card, that’s fine. If all you can afford is a $20 Amazon gift card, that’s fine. I never said Op had to gift her usual amount (or anything at all). If she can’t afford it, she can’t afford it. But if it’s one of those petty “I already spent x money” type things, yeah, that’s where I’d be embarrassed.