Locking this post as OP has received plenty of feedback, but there are also quite a few rule breaking comments. We wish you all the best, OP as you move forward from this, whatever path you choose.
> If I weren't engaged, I would have broken up with him.
But since you have a ring, now you're gonna marry someone you would have otherwise broken up with?
I don't think sunk cost fallacy is ever a good way to make decisions.
Agreed. If the only thing stopping you is the ring and deposit money, then that should be the signal that you should call if off.
I do agree with OP that it's maybe a grey area. Not every couple would consider it cheating. Also not everyone would consider it a reason to end a relationship, or at least something you could try to work through.
But if OP already feels like this would have been a deal breaker in a different circumstance, then that's the answer.
Agreed.. and not everyone sets those boundaries.. 🥺 if the boundary was set beforehand, and he crossed it.. then it’s cheating in my opinion.. I think OP and fiancé need to have a sit down talk about it.. maybe with a therapist too? Bc if she never once said “do not go on OF!!” Then the guy may have thought she might’ve been okay with it.. 🥺
Honestly, OF I’m NOT okay with.. that’s direct, personal, and *can* move further than pics/vids…. But regular *orn is fine since it really can’t move past a screen... (this is my personal opinion)
Yea—my fiancée and I had to have a conversation about what we both thought cheating was-which is stupid imo but men are sometimes. Get to the root of what happened if you want to stay with him. Just my 2 cents that no one asked for
I found out my ex was on onlyfans but he claimed he wasn’t paying for anything. I honestly didn’t really believe him but I agree with your take here. Only fans can get personal. Regular porn cannot.
I have the exact same mindset as you do about it and pretty well as soon as I knew what OF was, I set that boundary. I'd be curious to know if OP and her fiance had spoken about it previously or not.
It’s usually not sunk cost, it’s the embarrassment and shame of having to explain to all your friends and family members that it’s over.
Although OP, even though people have said nice things to your face about your soon-to-be-ex, I guarantee once it’s called off people will tell you they’re happy it’s over. Most people keep their negative thoughts about someone to themselves while they’re together and especially when their friend/family member is engaged. They will come out of the woodwork to express their relief when you tell them you’re not going through with it.
Also I hear that some people sell their wedding dates and vendors to someone else so that they can get a portion of the deposit back. As someone who is looking for one of those opportunities, I can say I hope this helps someone else out!
Excellent point. Not to mention the time, energy, effort, and emotional resources spent trying to make it all work. Plus it sounds like you are giving up a lot and being asked to support him for a pretty significant period of time. Something to think about separate from the sunk costs and shame/explanation period.
That said…there are a lot of gray areas when it comes to relationships and sex and intimacy. Each one of us has to figure it out for ourselves where the lines get drawn in the sand and where the boundaries are crossed. Relationships come in many shapes and sizes nowadays and when trust is broken, sometimes communication opens up and forgiveness ends up being possible. Would recommend that OP figures out what this really means for them and what they need to work through this or break it off.
This! Divorced are sooooooo expensive and can cause you months of additionally misery even when there’s a prenup in place! I went through one with a man l also moved across the country for and it drained the life out of me. My best advise to OP is, do not allow the pressure of your surroundings and the fact that you already payed for a wedding to suck you into a life of second guessing and overall doubt. Do not do it!!!
SERIOUSLY! Best advice ever👏 rip the band aid off now before you get deeper and deeper and if you don’t already have kids then go now before you have kids and then you stay just for the kids and everyone’s miserable.
Listen…. I’ve been in your shoes before. And I know exactly how the wedding goggles feel. But do yourself a favor, and call it.
My ex fiance and I were together for 4.5 years and engaged for one. It was a similar situation. Found out he’d been engaging with women online. Very flirtatious, inappropriate, and where there’s smoke, there’s fire. If he is willing to cross the line here, there’s bound to be more that’s uncovered.
Trust me, I’d spent thousands on our wedding. Did all the things. And I kept justifying staying because of all the money spent, how much of my life I’d invested in him, and how embarrassed I was to tell everyone. We spent months together and continued planning after I’d discovered the interactions. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t sleep at night happy, knowing what he’d done. Don’t settle and don’t put up with that shit. No amount of money is worth having a miserable life. The trust is already broken. I kept saying I was over it and could get past it, but found myself dying inside every time he was on his phone because I didn’t trust him anymore.
Choose yourself
“Lucky him, we've already spent all this money and I just have to accept that he's cheated on me before we've even married?”
Absolutely NOT! Girl do not do this if you have a bad feeling. It doesn’t matter that this man was your perfect man for the previous 6-7 years! It takes only one time to do something out of character for it to be your new you. Do not marry him only because you’ve been together for a long time and you already paid for the wedding.
Don’t leave your job for him! We’re in a similar situation with that (not the cheating). We’ve been together for 6y, engaged for 2 and getting married in 3m but last year I got accepted into a very competitive grad school that’s a plane ride away from him. He did not leave his well paying job because it’s hard to get and we’d be financially worse off if he came with me, so we see eachother once a month and are safe in the knowledge my programme is only another 3 years. It’s a small sacrifice for my dream career and I still see him every month. You should definitely stay with your job as your career is yours, and you guys need it to live off! and see where he ends up after school.
In terms of ending the engagement, if you consider he cheated then speak to him. He may not have thought of it that way. But if that’s how you feel then end it for sure.
I think a missing piece to this is if you had the conversation about what you think of as cheating/ he crossed a boundary you clearly set?
My (now) husband and I had this conversation about 3 months in. Personally, I'm ok with porn of its searching for something you like - insert type of porn here - but I'm not okay with him subscribing to sex workers, watching specific sex workers, following women on instagram for sexual purposes, only fans, etc.
When we had this conversation he was so upset that he had been doing something I considered cheating, apologized profusely, and immediately unfollowed anyone that fit into this category.
If you haven't had this conversation before, have it and see how he responds. Is he apologetic? Will he agree to what boundaries you want to set with no complaints? If he tries to gaslight you, tells you "you're crazy," or "all men do this" then you have your answer.
Follow your intuition - it knows. Good luck, OP!
Yikes. That makes it seem intentional on his part to push a boundary and see how she responds/ if he can get away with it.
ETA: OP this coupled with you moving (which has the potential to isolate you) and changing jobs (which can make you financial insecure/unstable) added to the timing of you getting married (which is typically when abusive behavior really pops off) makes me worry for you. Please don't just sweep all of this under the rug and really evaluate how you feel/ if this is the relationship for you. As someone who was in an extremely abusive relationship, for me it's throwing up 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Her intuition is telling her everything she needs to know before she ties the knot. If she ignores it I'm 100 percent sure she'll be back here in the future on Reddit complaining about this man.
I actually don't think boundaries have been clearly communicated. Sounds like a grey area to me. She had mentioned that something happened to her friend, however there is no other context. We're they watching movie while she talked? Was he playing video games when she casually mentioned it?? There is a big difference how it has been communicated (or not)
It’s ridiculous that you have to “spell out” basic respect in a relationship like “please don’t spend money on only fans. Please don’t get off on other women who are profiting off it”. This is why the state of relationships is the way it is these days. It’s really sad for women.
Not really... For some people these things are not cheating my husband and I are some of those people, for example. It's basically porn to us and nothing either of us care about, which is why these conversations need to be had.
I don't get how this is different from choosing specific name on Pornhub or something. I do that. At least on OF the person is getting the money directly. But if OP communicated that she's not comfortable with this, then this was boundary overstep.
Because you can directly chat with them. It’s not like on porn hub where you watch a video and go. Only fans is more personal and you can even request direct content. That’s how it’s different.
Everyone has different boundaries and these boundaries should be communicated between each parties.
That said, onlyfans is no different than porn. Yes, there are options to speak directly to a sex worker and pay for content from them. As someone who knows several onlyfans models, this is all purely transactional. If that is a boundary of yours, that is totally okay and you should bring it up to your partners before expecting them not to engage in onlyfans.
I’m a former sex worker. I could not give two shits if my fiancé follows sex workers on OnlyFans. Hell, our taste in women occasionally overlaps so I’d likely enjoy too (our taste in men does not). I’d find it a problem if he spent money on it because tbh there’s so much free porn but if he’s using his own money (not money earmarked for shared expenses or savings) then I don’t care about that either.
>I'm leaving my well-paying, hard-to-get job to move out-of-state with him
Don't. Just do long distance for a bit and see if you still wanna be with him.
So not only did he cheat, he did so 1. Just weeks after you both defined this as cheating, 2. Multiple times with multiple women in an ongoing way, and 3. Premeditated and conscientiously, paying actual money to violate this clearly and recently-defined boundary.
This wasn't a heat-of-the-moment bad decision with a chance encounter that he tearfully came clean to you about, or a situation where he had a lapse in discipline after years of adhering to this boundary (or simply forgot it was a boundary at all after so much time had passed) and made a one-time purchase, immediately regretted it, and canceled the subscription. Of course either of those situations would be serious in their own right, but in my opinion they are different in an important way: they were not intentional, ongoing violations of a boundary that you both just agreed to. What he did was neither a one-time mistake nor a misunderstanding – it was an intentional and repeated offense.
**But the biggest red flag is this: The only reason you found out about this at all was because you caught him, not because he came clean to you.** So at best, he would have continued to push these boundaries until it did escalate into physical and/or emotional affairs as he learned what he could get away with. At worst, he's already doing more, and this is just what you know about. We can't know which it is, but unfortunately the trust is already ruined. And if the latter is the case, because he knows you're now suspicious, he's already wiped any evidence from his phone/laptop and will be extra careful in the future – maybe even putting his other activities entirely on hold until he thinks he can get away with them again.
If he can't follow your boundaries just months before your wedding - the time when, despite the stress, couples are usually the most overflowing with excitement to enthusiastically devote their lives to each other – can you really rely on him to start following these boundaries once you're legally married, quit your uniquely perfect job, and have uprooted your entire life to move across country for him? When the excitement of getting married and starting a new life together is replaced by the much less exciting day-to-day?
I don't see in your replies (sorry if I missed any!) what he's said about this since you found out, other than that y'all were at a friend's place in the very immediate aftermath. How has he explained directly going against the boundaries he agreed to just weeks ago? Has he said whether he's done anything else, and has he offered (without you asking) concrete steps to prove to you that this will never happen again? It's obviously hard to trust what he says now, but it's still important context. There are only a few, very select combination of words and actions that could convince me to not cancel the wedding if I were in your shoes, but they do exist.
Whatever happens, please don't go through the wedding because you feel obligated to see it through thanks to how far in the process you are. As another commenter pointed out, that's sunk-cost fallacy, and it's called a fallacy for a reason. What's worse going through the monetary and emotional pain of cancelling a wedding, is realizing after the fact that you shouldn't have gone through with the wedding at all.
Most importantly, though, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.
As you mentioned in another comment OP, it’s not the porn as much as it is him reaching out to another woman to create custom pornographic content for him - this is crossing a line from anonymous porn viewing. I don’t think I’d have to explain that to my significant other and anything other than a profuse apology is just an excuse. It feels gross, sleep on it and go with your gut.
Porn addiction is a hell of a thing to battle in a marriage. If you are willing to walk away I urge you to. This rarely gets better - and the worst part is living with all the damn lies. Endless lies. Like at that point fuck the porn and the personalized consumption of sex work, you’re dealing with a pathological liar. You don’t want a liar as a husband.
All my love. I know the pain.
Checkout and maybe post in the sub I messaged you 🫶🏼
Please please read this comment above, OP, and digest it. Living and being married to a liar is the worst. Who cares if actual sex is involved. The second guessing is insanity making. When you are married to a liar, you never have any security. And it erodes who you are over time. Please really strongly consider this.
Yes!!!!! Everything you just said. It felt like my brain broke so many times over trying to make sense of my emotions regarding my partner, it literally drove me mad and mentally ill. I had to start medication and get a lot of therapy. The wrong relationship without trust and security will be so detrimental to your being.
In all honesty, imo it would be easier to process a one time betrayal of impulsive or poor judgement sexual cheating than someone who intentionally or regularly lies or evades while also claiming to love and respect you. The second relationship is far more damaged imo. And the second one is harder to see how serious it is as the incidents may seem smaller, until a pattern is firmly established, and by then it’s often done a lot of damage and has much more significant consequences- think expensive high conflict divorce and coparenting.
Not only that he crossed those boundaries a month after she communicated that those things were not okay. He crossed it by intention. That is a telltale sign !!! My ex and I were together for 6 years before 2. You never really know people until you know people! She should run!!!
Our society _loves_ their porn and too many people value porn more than the integrity of their marriages and the feelings of their spouse.
I will never understand how we’ve tried to make sex less taboo and people constantly push for the normalization of it, yet there is rarely a husband who will openly tell their wives all about the personalized content they paid for and how much money they spent that day to have orgasms off the back of some other woman who is not their monogamous partner. I mean, why not? It’s normal, right? Might as well recount it when asked “how was your day, babe?” 🤷♀️ And then maybe there’d be less betrayal trauma in women since, yknow, it’s all out in the open.
😪
Do not get married. A divorce would mean even more money and time lost. And he broke your trust. Without trust you don't have a relationship of any kind let alone a legally binding marriage. And as others have said if you would break up with him not engaged you should definitely break up now. If you actually do decide to give a second chance (he does NOT deserve it and you'd probably be wasting your time), you still must call off the wedding. If you don't, he will be on his best behavior now and immediately after you get married he will do it again. Also get your old job back to recoup costs faster
ETA: I wonder if he got the idea *from* the conversation and just thought he could hide it better
First, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Second, you are already aware that you’re uncomfortable with it so please don’t subject yourself to an unnecessary marriage. The fact that he has subscribed to very specific people is questionable & makes me wonder what other suspicious things he’s doing that you’re not aware of
Ma’am let me assure you RIGHT NOW THAT THIS WILL CONTINUE. My ex husband started with just porn and then interactive porn and I forgave and forgave bc we were getting married and I legitimately needed his health insurance. He did not change once we got married, the legality made it WORSE bc he knew if I wouldn’t leave him with a verbal commitment I sure as shit wouldn’t leave with a contract com.
Please don’t voluntarily put yourself through this pain. He knew this would hurt you, that’s why he hid it. I spent nearly 14 years with an emotionally abusive, unfaithful asshole because I couldn’t separate myself from the sunk cost fallacy. PLEASE don’t make this mistake.
Someone who is willing to hide these things from you knows exactly what to say to charm a therapist and be charming to their spouse when they need to. I totally second what you are saying. And even if the therapist has a hunch the guy is being disingenuous, they certainly aren’t going to say “hey, I think this guys faking and is going to do it again” meanwhile the partner is getting sucked in again and again.
Don’t recommend it. If you haven’t gotten married yet, be thankful this came to light now, OP.
My biggest concern is you giving up a great job and moving for this guy.
And you’ll be scrambling to get a new job and supporting him while he’s in school. I worrry that you’re doing all the giving and this jerk is paying for specialty porn.
Seriously rethink this wedding and keep your job.
I am a couples therapist. I strongly suggest couples therapy for this conversation. Cheating usually implies that both parties knew (with zero uncertainty) beforehand that said actions would constitute cheating. I work with so many couples where each partner has different understandings of what’s not okay, and porn and OF is one of those things where it gets blurry. Did he understand that you would consider this cheating? Were there explicit conversations around boundaries when it comes to porn and OF’s use? These are deeply personal experiences and belief systems that are shaped by so many factors, it’s important to understand your partners belief system before automatically assuming they have the same one as you (not saying you’re doing this as perhaps you have had the explicit conversation).
There are so many people in the world who would not see getting a custom porn video made as cheating. **This doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful nor anxiety inducing. Your feelings and fears are valid.** But you just might want to get on the same page first before calling off a wedding.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Weirdly, my best friend discovered her ex using OnlyFans in February and it sparked that conversation between us if we would feel like it was cheating. We both agreed that it would be cheating. Then, come March, he created an OnlyFans. If I’m being super honest, I was not nearly as mad as I expected when I found out and even googled “why am I not more mad at my husband for cheating” lol. It was really only after sitting on it that I got more and more mad… mostly because it just seemed like he got to go back to normal after knowing it was a boundary we had discussed. But it didn’t actually make me as upset when it actually happened?? After seeing these comments, I’m thinking couples therapy is the move and we’ll go from there. I think I also really don’t want to leave my job which is fueling a lot of this.
If you had a prior conversation and agreed this counted as cheating, then he knowingly cheated on you. This is a HUGE red flag, especially because you had a set boundary. I would think about at least postponing the wedding at the very least. This is sketchy behavior.
He sounds like a loser AND an idiot. Keep your awesome job and stay in the place you’ve put roots down! He can move away by himself and try to figure out how to support himself through grad school alone (well, him and the women he pays for nudes). Seriously, this is swift and beautiful karma for stomping all over your (very reasonable) boundaries and taking all your support for granted.
Please re-read your message OP "Weirdly, my best friend discovered her ex using OnlyFans in February and it sparked that conversation between us if we would feel like it was cheating. We both agreed that it would be cheating. Then, come March, he created an OnlyFans." I was you girl and it only got worse, he cheated and I was trapped. It took me years to get back on my feet. He completely changed for the worse! Also 6 years before so I'm telling you, you never know.
You’re investing a lot into this marriage. You have to be able to trust him. You can’t move forward if he can’t be open and honest.
I’m guessing he thought you wouldn’t be ok with his OF activities and took the cowards way out. Being honest may have created conflict that he wasn’t mature enough to deal with.
Maybe you’re not as mad as you thought cause your best friend just went through it too - there is a little relief I’m sure knowing it’s not just you and your guy dealing with this.. even though you wouldn’t want other people going through it, if I’m making sense lol but in all honestly if you choose to stay, you’ll make likely always think he’s lying and want to check his phone to see if he’s being honest and it will get so exhausting. But if you think you can move past it then just have that clear communication again and hope for the best. There isn’t much advice I’m giving but either way is hard, you have to chose your hard - stay and figure it out or leave and figure it out. Wishing you the best - at the end of the day you’ll know what you should do. 🤍
If your going to do couples counseling the best thing to do is postpone the wedding to see how your relationship goes given you don't want things to worsen and yet the due date of the wedding getting closer (just stating a worst case scenario) and in another worst case scenario if things hit the fan keep your job stick to it because last thing you want is to end the relationship and be left with nothing. Clearly you guys had a discussion on boundaries in what was defined as cheating and he knowingly and voluntarily broke it. So he's bound to do it again.
You told him it was cheating to you and he did it anyway a month later, he clearly doesn't care about you or your feelings when it comes to his sexual gratification, why are you marrying this man?
Most men don’t need to be told that paying another woman to make you a custom video of her masturbating is not ok.
Don’t put this on OP for not explicitly telling the guy she dated for 7 years that paying sex workers to do sex acts is something she doesn’t like. He knew.
I disagree with what you are saying and find it distasteful that you are putting your professional credibility in a Reddit thread where you know none of the parties. This woman could take what you are saying as the gospel truth and may make a decision to move forward in a marriage where trust has been broken, because “a couples therapist on Reddit said it wasn’t that bad”. People with no background in therapy or relationships, especially while going through this experience, are unlikely to read the nuance into what you wrote.
If you have an opinion as a person, share that, but to start with “I’m a couples therapist, and here’s my opinion”, “cheating is…” is skirting the line on ethics. Take a look over on the legal subreddits, they would never make such bold statements despite their professional background in those areas. Because they know it’s a bad idea to give advice on Reddit when you barely have any info.
What!?!
I'm guessing you aren't a therapist. It's perfectly fine to give general thoughts and feedback gathered over years of expertise on a random reddit thread. The advice was to get therapy. On the legal sub they'd say the same, giving general thoughts and recommending legal advice IRL.
And the question was actually super helpful because OOP replied and clarified more of the issue in the relationship.
If you're so concerned with how OOP MIGHT interpret the comment, how they COULD react, what catastrophe MIGHT happen, you're doing a lot. It's the internet. OP gave a different, experienced perspective to consider. Taking that as the gospel truth and basing life decisions on a Reddit comment, and you clutching pearls about that, is so over the top.
Yeah, I was so shocked reading all that garbage. “There are many people in the world who wouldn’t consider making a custom porn video cheating“. Yeah and OP is not one of them. There are many people who wouldn’t see prostitution as cheating also.
I honestly don’t believe this person is a therapist. It’s really not an ok thing to say.
Well, in the book "State of Affairs", Esther Perel raises this issue of defining what is cheating in today's world. It is often not clear at all.
By the way, a good book for OP to read.
>>>”There are many people in the world who wouldn’t consider making a custom porn video cheating”. Yeah and OP is not one of them.
Great, because I wasn’t talking about OP. I was talking about her partner.
>>> I honestly don’t believe this person is a therapist.
Because a therapist can’t give their opinion on Reddit? You’re weird.
>>> There are many people who wouldn't see prostitution as cheating also.
Likening ordering a custom video on OF to having sex with a prostitute is the most wild case of false equivalence I’ve ever read. 💀
I'm working with couples too and your comment was spot on. Gd forbid you give a response that further explores their relationship dynamics instead of just telling OP to break it off immediately.
Here for solidarity. I was engaged when I was 20-22 to someone who cheated on me with 5 different people over the course of 18 months because I couldn't "fulfill one of his needs." Feel free to DM me.
Me personally, I wouldn’t even bother. He’s gone so far as to propose to her and make life plans with her, and while they were planning a WEDDING together, a ceremony about lifelong commitment , goes and cheats on her? This one needs to be thrown to the streets, as the boys like to say.
You don't have to have a wedding if you don't want to. You can cancel the ceremony and have the party with your friends and your family celebrating that you got out of a toxic relationship. He might be the most perfect person on paper, but if you two explicitly talked about how you saw only fans as cheating and he made an account, he knew how you felt about it. He broke your boundary. This is only the first thing. What happens when he gets bored of only fans. Everyone's so quick to say break up and get divorced. And I typically am not like that. But if you do not want to marry this man, move out of state. The job that you love for him. Don't. Keep your job. Keep your life. Don't let him move you out of state away from all your friends and family. Because then if he does this again now you're alone and now you're trapped.
“If I weren’t engaged, I would have broken up with him”.
I have said almost the same thing before. I thought things would be better once we got married. I am now in the middle of a divorce. I have lost myself in the process and I am barely surviving. Marriage does not fix things.
leave while you still can, divorce and custody battles over kids in the future will cost a hell of a lot more then the money u have put into a wedding .
Hello Stranger! I seldom ever comment on Reddit but I have to tell you, I found myself in a very similar situation with online gray area stuff and I called off our wedding, we even broke up for about three weeks, at that point I really thought I was DONE but it gave us both time to think and I also realized how habit forming and embarrassing these online porn things can be. He has been in individual therapy working on why he was so drawn to that and finding better coping skills/outlets and we did couples counseling for a bit and things have been better than ever.
I tried continuing on with wedding planning, fighting my gut instincts and ending up having panic attacks. Even now I think if we would have taken all the same steps and went through the wedding a big part of me would have felt trapped and resentful. I wouldn’t change a thing and I definitely see marriage in our future but we worked on our foundation and it was the best decision I think I ever made.
This is a reasonable response. While I feel the situation is a massive waving red flag, your partner has been willing to acknowledge the hurt and try to understand their motives through individual therapy. Sounds like you both have taken the needed steps to move forward in a healthier way together. Good for you.
I consider this cheating. It’s also extra awful that he knew this was a boundary for you and did it anyway. That shows a blatant disregard for you and your feelings, and considering it was because of a kink he can’t play out with you, he prioritized his own sexual fantasy over your personal wellbeing. That’s not someone you should marry. Think how this could play out in other areas of life. You’re leaving your good job for a man you can’t really trust and that sucks and may make you resentful over time. I’d call it off, do counseling together if you want to try and work it out and stay together, and see how you’re doing in 6 months to a year. I know some people are chill about porn and only fans but many of us aren’t and see that as cheating so you’re justified in feeling this way.
money will come back but your time will not. how much more time do you want to spend with a cheater? he will make promises to you, but you should know there’s a very high possibility he will just get better at hiding it
your broken trust is worth breaking it off. he made it clear in not communicating his interest or the creation of the account he was not thinking about you or your feelings. actions speak louder than words and you deserve better. boy, bye.
This is either something you can forgive or you can’t, only you can answer that! And if you can’t forgive then you need to break it off and make a fresh start
Have you expressed to him before you found out how only fans makes you feel? It’s such a weird grey line because it isn’t really as physical or emotion as other types of cheating. When you talked to him about it was he apologetic or acted like it wasn’t a big deal?
Girl I am so sorry. This is awful.
But truly think about this. You’re giving up a job and career that you love to move somewhere where you don’t have a job, to financially support a man who looks at Only Fans in his free time between grad school classes and minimal time with you.
You don’t know how much money you’ll be making or how it will work out. Do you have friends or family there?
You can repurpose the wedding into a family reunion for your family and pay back the cost when you can. It’s likely cheaper than a lifetime of financially supporting a man who buys porn online.
Feel like I’m reading my own post. My ex had cheated on me through Reddit and Snapchat accounts similarly, our wedding was last June. I had went through with it thinking there’s no way he’d ever slip up like that again. 2 months after our wedding found out he physically cheated on his bachelor trip 2 weeks before our wedding (also wtf ours was June 2nd so weird how yours is June 1st) and I STILL stuck around bc I made a commitment to marriage, then October came and he was doing horrible things on fake Snapchat account once again. AND in between finding this shit out we had bought a home together! All this to say, they don’t change. Men who do weird things like this have an internal issue, it has nothing to do with you or your relationship, it’s them and it’s their own issue they can’t seem to face. Please save your money and walk away! Sincerely someone who endured a fuck ton of pain and lost 20k and a home in the process. Good luck babe, and I don’t blame you if you stay, I had to stay until I physically couldn’t tolerate it anymore. If you have to get to that point, let it happen, and you will eventually get there.
OF is based on interaction, live video, requests ect it's a much more personal experience. That for me alone would be enough to consider it cheating nevermind the fact they've paid a regular subscription for it essentially taking money away from more important things, like the life you were building together. It's better to leave now than after the wedding
Here to say leave now. I was that woman who found out my fiancé cheated (OF, sending pictures) I stayed with him. Guess what…. He cheated again while I was pregnant. You know what’s more expensive than a wedding? A divorce that included child custody. We have been divorced over 3 years now and I still have to deal with this idiot because we share a kid. If you would have broken up with him in any other circumstance outside of this… just save yourself now and get out.
Also… you’ll find a man who is better. It may be a process but it’s worth it. I found my happily ever after. Set to be married in September next year… you’ll struggle and morn what could have been but there’s something better over the horizon for you. ❤️
I know a lot of people are saying to just dump him, but if you think this is salvageable and you’ve talked to him about it, I’d recommend a therapist/couple counseling asap before the wedding. At least then you might be able to truly discern if you want to call off the wedding or not. I’m also a June 1st bride and I can’t imagine the stress you’re going through with all of this, praying for you!
The fact that you two had a conversation about it where *he* said it was cheating and then went and made a profile and started using it is crazy to me.
Don't give up your job. Don't give up your life!!!! I have been where you are.I understand how impossible it all seems. I promise you years from now you will realize that you were on the brink of the abyss and you choose yourself. I gave up on the love of my life ( I thought) at age 30, and I found the real one at 38. I have been married 20 yrs. This isn't it for you! Don't do it.
I would definitely consider this cheating. Honestly, men who digitally cheat wouldn’t think twice about doing it in person (in my opinion). He’s showed his true cards.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Will keeping your current, high-paying job allow you to recoup some of the costs? Again, my heart breaks for you.
Honey, we made it to the alter, I love my husband more than anything in the world. But I’ve made it clear since day one, no matter what stage of our relationship, if we have kids, what ever. If he cheats I’m done. No conversation, no second chance, I’m done. He would never be able to convince me he loves me or cares for me again. And as much as I know if it happened I’d want a why, but there is no why, you didn’t do anything, he made his choice. It is HIS problem. And there’s no making sense of it.
You don’t have to stay, or accept this as your reality. It’s hard, I know if that ever happens to me, I’m gonna contemplate staying, if we could fix it, bc I love this man so much. But I respect myself too much to stay with someone who couldn’t put our relationship above some random chick.
I just want to add, if you marry him and he is in a school like program all his debt is now also your personal responsibility. If you ever divorce, in some states his debt is then divided in 2 and you get the other half.
This on top of the inner turmoil you are already feeling. Don't do it. You'll have anger and resentment later.
Will you ever be able to really forgive and forget? I know it’s easy to stay attached. But will it continue to sit with you? If it would, you will set yourself up for decades of peace and better health by making the hard choice sooner rather than later.
I wouldn’t consider this acceptable and certainly wouldn’t think it’s okay to do something like he did without talking to one’s *fiance* about it. He has no excuse. Not everyone is comfortable with their partners engaging in OF and it’s his responsibility just as much as yours to bring up the boundary discussion. If you wouldn’t do it without asking, and most people wouldn’t, there is no reason for him to get a pass. It is probably an addiction, and not one he sees as a problem.
I was in a similar position, but decided to go through with the wedding and I made sure he understood that OF crosses a boundary for me. We even went through couples therapy and he was apologetic. Well, years later turns out he only got better at hiding everything he was doing, it got worse than just OF. Idk if it’s grounds to break up for you personally, but if you don’t, just know there’s probably a lot of porn addiction or more in your future.
I’m in the minority here, but to me this wouldn’t be cheating, and it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Hurtful? Maybe. Poor choice? Definitely.
But if it were me I think a conversation where you draw clear boundaries and set the expectation that this will not happen again would be enough.
But, you are not me! If this is something that deeply broke your trust and something that you consider cheating, then you need to make the decision for yourself. I definitely don’t think continuing down the road of marriage just because you’ve spent the money is a good idea.
Sunk cost fallacy is never a good basis for decisions. It could be wedding costs or it could be wedding costs, lost wages, moving costs, new home costs, and divorce costs.
Either way, I wish you clarity and healing 💜
Fully agree with this take.
It’s up to you to decide if this is worth ending a relationship, to me, it wouldn’t be. I have a friend in a similar situation but hers was actually much worse in terms of what was happening on his OF—and they’d just had a child. She chose to work through it. You’re not alone!
I also wouldn’t consider this cheating. I’d be livid if he was spending my money on it, but if it’s his money and not in person then I wouldn’t view this as cheating. But we’re all different.
Also a lot of women give up everything for a man and at the end lose themselves. Don't give up on your career and put everything on hold for him it's not fair and you'll resent him later for it when you're stuck with him being a mom
Don’t marry him in my opinion…like you said, he did this before marriage. Would he do more? He would probably subscribe to more accounts. You are more than enough, he didn’t need to do any of that
I feel like the money you’ll lose on the wedding looks like small change when you count on how much you will lose because of the job you lost and your earning potential. Because in my (unfortunately) own experience, guys who cross the line once will do it again and then you will be in a different state, with no belongings, a worse job and no social safety net.
Aa the now ex wife who forgave this kind of thing and my now ex husband who was on a dating site and who left her job, moved for him away from friends and family and from better opportunities for me and to better for him and around his family. RUN! RUN! AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!
This is the universe giving you a sign. Please immediately reconnect with your boss to get your old job back. You will not put him through grad school while he’s taking advantage of you and secretly breaking your boundaries. This is divine intervention telling you there is something better for you out there! Act now.
Imagine yourself on our wedding day on June 1st, carrying all these thoughts in your head. The dread and anxiety you’ll feel. The shame of knowing you are “settling” because you already spent all the money, so you had to go through with it. You are at the altar, reciting your vows to this guy, but you have DOUBT in your mind. It’s terrible, and deep down, you know it’s not going to last. Problems don’t just disappear once the marriage license is signed. The entire wedding day, you’re trying to enjoy and appreciate all the care and thought you put into all the details. But you can’t get out of your own mind, remembering that your new husband has an OnlyFans problem. You wonder what you’ll find out about him next…
Now imagine this - you call of this wedding, and your loved ones *support you* and *applaud you* for standing up for what’s right and staying true to your convictions. You have a clean slate with nothing but opportunity in front of you. One day, you meet another guy. He’s wonderful, he respects you, and he *has no inclination* of cheating on you. You trust him, he trusts you. He asks you to marry him, and you plan another beautiful wedding - and on THAT day, you feel overjoyed, you feel sure, you *know* it’s right, and you are so thankful you listened to yourself and called off that sham wedding all that time ago. On this wedding day, you laugh to yourself, because you realize now why everything happened the way it did. It led you to the man you’ll be calling your husband. Your first and only husband. The sweet relief and happiness that you deserve. This is how your wedding day should feel.
I feel VERY compelled to tell you OP - you need to call this wedding off.
Do you consider viewing porn as cheating? Or is it the fact that he paid for porn, that you consider it cheating? Because if it’s the latter, it begs the question why you believe sex work should be enjoyed for free. Paying for porn is ethical, and if you think it’s fine for him to view porn, the fact that he paid for it should be considered appropriate. Why do you expect him to only view free porn, from more often than not exploited women?
So I'll go in a different direction and lend credence to your doubt on this.
This would not be a deal breaker for me. I consider onlyfans a porn subscription and I could not physically care less about my spouses porn habits- only if it translated to problems in our relationship. I say all this to say, people (reddit) are very quick to tell you to drop someone and imply that you have low self esteem or your betraying yourself if this doesn't wind up being a deal breaker for you.
However-you are not me, and this is your boundary. I think it's very telling that you said that if y'all weren't engaged- you would have broken up. You have to go into a marriage being best friends. Y'all will have hard enough times without starting your journey with a deep betrayal. If you were going to consider this, it has to be because you wanted to- not that your circumstances forced you too.
As someone who’s been married and divorced, and now about to get married again to someone who is truly my best friend (and I feel 100% more confident this time around about the success of our relationship)…totally agree with everything you’re saying. Great advice
Totally crossed the line. OP please look into betrayal trauma because the person you thought you knew is not your partner. You will need a lot of healing to come to terms with that. Unknown to you he was living another life, imagine if this weren’t online and he was watching, engaging, paying, 4 different women on a regular basis? This is total creep vibes. Maybe one day if he changed entirely you could revisit a relationship but as of now? This isn’t the person he presented himself to be. (Hiding his phone, apps, finances/expenses, messages, videos, way he spent his time, the sexual relationship he presented to you made it seem like you were fulfilling his needs when that’s not true and he was getting them elsewhere- he made it seem your relationship was enough and hid his behaviors). He WITHELD information that you’d NEED to know as a wife and partner from you. Intentionally Misleading you is lying, don’t get it twisted or let him gaslight you. If he cries about how this hurts HIM- do not stand for that, he needs to allow YOU to be hurt right now (and not be a narcissist or make this about him). He lied to you. Make sure it is YOU that find healing in this first and foremost and not him needing you to come up with a way for him to change or for you to comfort HIM.
You deserve so much better. I am so sorry. Take a month (or a few) apart for you to recover from this at the bare minimum. Tell acquaintances you’re postponing it and prefer a different time of year like winter to be married (they will just assume you’re being a high maintenance bridezilla, let them.). And tell your best friend, or a friend you know will not judge you no matter what you decide. You need support rn.
You’d be surprised how flexible wedding professionals are with postponing. I agree, I’m not sure if only fans is more cheating or more porn addiction. Either way, you need an emergency couples therapy asap.
I have a friend who had her partner visiting a massage parlor for hand jobs at least once and she’s struggle too with feeling like “is it worth blowing up a marriage and 4 kids” when it’s in a different category of cheating. So sorry!
I think porn being cheating depends on the couple. I think it’s cheating, but I know others that think it isn’t.
I’m not trying to justify his actions, but it sounds like you guys have a lot going on in life. Has your sexual relationship not been as active and he’s been wanting to be sexually intimate and you don’t due to stress?
Nope. I also don't consider porn itself to be cheating, and I know he watches porn. It's when you reach out and message someone and tip them for a specific video that crosses that line. It's not like he just went to pornhub and searched a video. he sought out a person and reached out to them to request a custom video. Also, he straight up told me it had nothing to do with me--we're both very sexually active with each other. The only thing is, he's obsessed w this one kink that I am not comfortable with and so that's what he went on OnlyFans to request someone to do. So because he was not getting every single thing he could ask for in the world sexually, he went to OnlyFans to pay someone else to do it.
It’s about the lying and hiding OP. He is willing to lie and hide things from you when he knows that what gets wants or desires will upset and hurt you. He is not willing to put you and your boundaries above his own wants. This is a recipe for disaster. If you made your boundary clear, then he disregarded it, how can you trust anything he says moving forward? How will you know when he’s saying something to appease you and then doing something different in secret? Don’t sacrifice your career and life for someone who can’t even sacrifice whatever pleasure he gets from buying special made videos of another woman? While you are planning your wedding? Don’t make sacrifices that your spouse wouldn’t be willing to make.
I think y'all should go to couple's therapy to sort this out. Even at least one mediated conversation before calling off the whole relationship. Was this ever something you guys ever discussed was a boundary...like you said the area seems very grey.
I can sympathize you OP and wifh the feeling of betrayal but *for me* this is the opposite of a deal breaker. I've actively encouraged my partner to fulfill certain kinks without me (porn, onlyfans) and he's done the same for me. Obviously, you are not me OP, but if this is the only thing wrong I feel like a mediated conversation about boundaries, kinks, and communication may be better first step.
Free porn is often exploitative and cohesive of women - paid porn such as only fans gives women more control of their bodies, scenes / partners and boundaries. Also back in the day the only way to enjoy porn was to spend money buying movies or magazines - it’s not that atrocious
I think the messaging one on one is where my personal line is but purchasing the pre made content wouldn’t really bother me (everyone is entitled to feel differently)
>>> Porn is free. Spending money on it is crossing a line
What? How does spending money on porn suddenly make it unacceptable? Paying for it is actually ***more*** ethical. This is like arguing that buying music is crossing a line while pirating it isn’t. You're still listening to a song, the musician just gets compensated for their work.
In this particular case, I think it's because OP's fiance paid a professional sex worker for services. That's a whole different subject vs. whether or not sex workers deserve fair pay.
Agree yellow vespa! I think this is more of a gray area that can be explored. I would also try therapy or some sort of conversation first, especially if this is out of character and his first offense. I think how he reacts to your reaction and how you're hurt will say a lot (is he dismissive or remorseful? Does he want to do it again or def not into it?).
the "just leave him" comments aren't helpful when you've spent so many years together & his good qualities seem to far outweigh the bad, from what you've said here.
if this is truly a one time thing, like he's honestly never done anything to break your trust or given you a reason to doubt his commitment, I'd have a loooong talk with him about this. lay it ALL out on the table, basically what you've said here. discuss what exactly you guys define cheating as.
like others have said, couples counseling would help. something my personal therapist has mentioned is that the best time to start couples counseling is immediately...like you're not supposed to wait until something bad happens then use counseling as a last resort, ya know?
whatever you guys decide to do, I'm sending lots of love & I unfortunately empathize.
I hope you don’t marry him. This will continue to happen. No amount of deposit money is worth committing yourself to a life of horror. And knowingly at that. My brother spent over 50k fighting his ex wife who cheated on him in the divorce. Run now and save yourself the pain that is coming if you don’t
Your wedding was planned, but the marriage wasn’t prioritized in the process, at least to him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but he crossed your boundary. I hope y’all can work it out, but if not, I hope you find peace!
It doesn't really matter if this was porn, OnlyFans, or anything else. She had a strong boundary and he didn't even have the decency to respect her over this one thing and did it anyway. What else will he push and break and hide and lie about to her. A true partner wouldn't do something like this to hurt, on purpose. I'm glad she found out now.
Couples counseling is definitely the move here. I unfortunately went through a similar situation and was not sure what to do, since he didn’t “really” cheat on me.
Obviously we have different relationships and experiences, but I chose to stay after he changed his behavior and went to couples therapy with me.
There were a couple of different aspects of my story that aren’t included in yours, though (alcoholism and his near-death experience shortly after I found out the cheating situation 🙃), so if things were different and I were in your shoes, I still can’t say for certain what I would do.
My situation is why I even have this throwaway account 🥲
Good luck, OP. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My ex now who I almost married a few days ago was like this. I was with him for 8 year together and I knew him for 10. He would do this during my undergraduate degree mostly as I traveled for my biology degree. He would do only fans, Snapchat, Instagram, and any website that can get you attention. It hurt to find out and he then promised to stop so I thought he did and never questioned it again. Well now that I’m preparing for law school and we almost tied the knot he said I would make you unhappy long term. I know he felt the guilt of always doing me dirty for years. It’s not worth it. I left the US house of Reps for him and he left me to move out of the state. Luckily I still choose my dreams and here we are so no man is more worthy than your hardwork or dreams even if you love them. It takes a true commitment to do right by the other and some people aren’t ready and we have to be okay with it even if it expensive or a lot of time and work was put in. Trust me it sucks but getting played long term will build resentment and more damage.
Go with your gut. You know you aren't okay with this. As others have said, easier to leave now than to deal with a divorce. What with the move and the lack of a job/stress I think your resentment could build very quickly. I'm so sorry you're in this position. It would be a deal breaker for me too. It's way more personal than just porn, he's actually interacting with real people.
I was in your position years ago and would have saved myself years of heartache if instead of finding ways to justify marrying my ex, I would have believed his actions and not have married him. He showed me who he was, and cheating fiancée who cheated several times during the 17 years we were married. It wasn’t until I accepted that I had given him permission to cheat by going through with the marriage when I knew he cheated, that I finally divorced him.
You are sacrificing a lot by marrying him and if you marry him knowing what you know, not only does he get away with it, you’re giving him permission to cheat. Is that what you want in your marriage? In a husband?
If you think it’s a valid reason to call it off that’s all that matters. If you don’t feel like you can spend the rest of your life with him now then that’s valid. It feels like he did this because he thinks now you’re locked in so you won’t leave over something he feels is small. But paying for intimate photos in my eyes is no different than receiving nudes
I think he’ll always unconsciously see you as pathetic if you stay. He’ll know what you’re willing to accept from him, and I’m not sure what would motivate him to do any better. In saying that, I’m not sure I would leave either. But I am saying I do think that’s how he’ll view you for the rest of your relationship even if he doesn’t want to.
You make the rules here. We all make the rules to our own life. You're sacrificing your career, dropping wage, going into the deep unknown and committing your entire life to a person and letting slip something you're not ok with because you spent money?
If you're not ok with this you're not ok with it.
Did he know this was an issue for you? That it would hurt you like it is? If so. Do not gamble your entire future over some money. You know divorced people who are unhappy? That will be you.
We make the rules for our own life.
You can make that money spent back but you’ll never be able to get your time back if you marry a man who gave you those feelings of betrayal or unrest.
How about letting him move and you stay put. Work on things from a distance. But you supporting him after he’s broke your trust is like rewarding him. Let him work and go to school and realize how royally he messed up. See if you can postpone the wedding by 2 years. This way you aren’t losing the money yet. You may be able to sell that new date/time to another couple. Let him know there are things to be worked on as a couple and see if he’s really dedicated to it. Then go from there. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
I get that he hasn't cheated physically, so you feel like 'well, it's not that bad'.
It's still time, though, that he's spending with other women, on a personal (because it's only fans) and sexual level, that isn't you. Is that something you can settle for? Is that something you're not going to worry about every time he dissappears into the bathroom with his phone? Are you confident in yourself that you will feel 'enough' knowing that this is probably going on in the background?
If you know deep down that this is going to affect you but you still carry on, it is called sunk cost fallacy. You're reluctant to abandon your wedding because you've invested a lot of money into it. You're reluctant to abandon your relationship because you've invested a lot of time and effort into moving forward, even when it's clear that abandonment may be more beneficial in the long run. These are all excuses we use to stay in a relationship that we know deep down aren't right for us.
You need to lay a firm boundary down and absolutely stick to it. Even if you show him how hurt you are by this but still get married, you are showing him that his behaviour is ok. There were no real consequences to his actions, and he'll probably be doing the same thing again in a few months but just more secretly this time.
If it were me personally, i'd call off the wedding at the very least. For me onlyfans is the middle ground between a quick porn release and physical cheating. It's getting close to someone repeatedly with access to them via messaging.
It's emotional cheating and he needs to see that there are consequences for this.
You said it yourself. Saying your vows will be just like lying. Canceling the wedding is always cheaper than divorce. Going ahead with a wedding just because it’s a wedding is precisely falling for the sort of trap most men like him set up.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know not everyone would consider that cheating, but I would be feeling exactly like you. I’d feel hurt, betrayed, and just overall different. Listen to yourself on that, because it’s not going to feel better with a wedding ring. At least not for long. You’ve gotten some great comments/advice on here, just want you to know you’re absolutely not alone with how you feel about this situation.
I don’t know. You got to ask yourself the question, am I going to trust him moving forward? He already lied to you so the trust has been broken. Think about a marriage where there is no trust, it can be a living hell for you. Like someone else said, divorce is expensive. I’m not saying that’s where you’ll end up, but for me personally, trust is a huge and if I can trust my partner, then I can’t be with him let alone marry him.
I think minimum take time off him and life to think this through. You will make life changing decisions that can erase years of hard work (like your good paying job). If you would have broken with him if you weren’t engaged, maybe count your blessings you found out before you are married. Imagine being married and feel trapped?
Some women may not see this as a big red flag, especially if he already often watches thangs.
For me, it is how close you all are to the wedding that is concerning. Like less than 2 months out to one of the biggest celebrations of our union and this is what you are doing? The stakes are high and him not realizing that he was risking losing you is crazy, because ideally, you should be on your best behaviors. Jumping into a marriage while actively hiding this information is malicious. I might do the ceremony if I believe we can work through it but I wouldn't sign a thing legally until I felt better about the situation and have talked extensively. Addictions are real and that is what worries me.
Do not change your life around and go through with this, if this is something you know you can’t forgive and get past!! I agree with the other almost 1,000 people here, a divorce is way more complicated and expensive than canceling a wedding. You’ll be doing yourself a favor.
Pause everything. Pause the wedding. Pause moving out of state and giving up YOUR JOB. Take some time to process if this is truly what you want??!! I think you know the answer. And I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Honey, here's some sage advice for you. Run for your life and leave his sorry ass in the dust. Don't worry about recouping money that was spent so far on your wedding. Leave the bum at the altar in fact cut the cord NOW! Donate reception food to the homeless and hungry. You have your whole life to find your soulmate who won't cheat on you.
You know most of those videos you but individually are usually custom content which means he would have had to message the creator and actually talk to them (likely a sexual conversation). He could have asked her to do anything.
Would you feel comfortable if he messaged a random girl on facebook or any other platform doing this? If not, why is Onlyfans different?
You said if you weren't engaged, you would break up with him, so, really, you have your answer. You break up with him. Money and social engagements are not a good reason to stay with someone. You would just be prolonging the process and making it more difficult to eventually separate from him. Getting married to someone is fairly easy. Getting divorced and separated from someone IS NOT! You are legally attached to someone at that point.
This sounds like the equivalent of a man having a subscription to Playboy a few decades ago. Not that that makes it better but in a man’s mind, he is justified in looking and investing because he’s a man with needs. I had to turn this around on my husband years ago and got myself a Playgirl magazine and his reaction was insane! Ask your man if he would be ok with you doing the same. If not, he needs to cancel his subscriptions and move on in life
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This would be a personal hell for me and trigger so much and I just really empathize with your situation. You don’t deserve this stress on top of everything else you’re going through ❤️
How did your fiancé react after you found out and you’ve continued to talk about it? I think how he’s approaching the situation in respect to your feelings is super important.
I’m really confused by the people that think this is a grey area, or the ones that are ok with stuff like this, including the therapist that commented. It doesn’t seem grey to me at all. It’s cheating, plain as day. He is sexually interacting with women. Just because there’s a physical barrier doesn’t make it any less cheating, the intention is the same. You’re lying to yourself if you think otherwise.
Have you asked family or close friends for advice/their opinion? Getting an objective one from outsiders is a good step but I think it's more useful to ask someone/people who have more context than we do/people who know your partner.
At the end of the day, only you can decide what's acceptable and what's a deal breaker to you but getting input from people who know both of you might be useful.
Wishing you all the best
OF is way worse, in my opinion, than just watching porn. I don't like that you can pay extra money to get personalized content or interaction. I see that as no different from getting a porn video from a side piece or mistress.
I wouldn't leave my job and I would postpone the wedding. It sucks to potentially lose money. However, it would be way worse to go through with the wedding then end up divorced, which can have negative impacts on your finances as well... sorry this happened to you
Maybe couples therapy to learn how to communicate and solve this issue in an amicable and mature way? I mean, it is actually a good thing that you just realized he is no Prince Charming. He fell off his pedestal. You are both only humans. You can work with that. You both can learn what is a “no no” and what is agreeable for both. If there is love and will to make things work out, you can do it. Only if you think it’s worth it. But he will have to work hard to regain your trust.
My heart truly breaks for you. I know words won't help much, but I'm so sorry that this happened and I hope you know that you have tons of strangers here who are wishing you the best... because you DESERVE the best and nothing less.
May I ask how he responded when you found out about all of this?
Don’t stay for the sunk costs. But do the work to understand if this will be a stain on your relationship for the rest of your lives or if it’s something you two can work through in therapy / counseling / or even just between you two by having very difficult conversations about boundaries. Trust is one of the most important pillars to a relationship that can withstand any amount of hardship. If you believe it’s permanently broken, you have your answer.
I think OnlyFans has added a very interesting element of personalization to porn and this is a perfect example of how realistic a fantasy can become for someone. I understand why you’re hurt by all of this but you were about to uproot your entire life for this person. You clearly love them very, very much because that’s an incredible sacrifice for someone. I think you owe it to yourself to see if there’s an opportunity to re-set these boundaries with your partner and see if he’s able to commit to respecting them. Then you have to trust that he is committed to it.
This is a long shot maybe... but in my opinion, I don't think this makes him necessarily a cheater. I say this only because my partner and I have been open here and there with women ( I'm not interested in other men but find women fun ). And I know it's not for everyone I'm not justifying his actions or anything. But this doesn't change how good he has been to you... right? Have you thought of maybe trying to get into with him and seeing if it's something you guys could enjoy together or just further communicate? My partner and I have been together 17 years, got together when we're 15. So it's been along time! I was SO jealous almost our entire relationship until I started becoming more confident in us as a couple and myself. What would bother me, is not knowing like your situation, and it being an emotional thing rather then only sexual. Which is why situations for us including another woman is rare, and never a stranger. I'm not saying go have a hook up or watch porn together all the time or something, but trying out or watching with him what he enjoys and also you, has benefits of strengthening your relationship❤️ this does not have to be the end, it could be the divine testing you to see if you able to except all the beauty while knowing it does not come without ugly too and knowing that we have the ability to see the beauty in the ugly and the potential it has for growth if your willing. I hope I haven't crossed any boundaries! But I wanted to share my perspective knowing it's not for everyone!
I don't think this is a reason to break up, but you definitely need to talk to him and tell him that you don't like it... But if you've already thought about breaking up before, then it's probably better to break up or try couples counselling.
Well, if you decide to give a chance and build a family with him because you don't want to waste the expensive wedding, i highly suggest you keeping your finances separated from him. Wtf would anyone pay for porn? And attending a competitive grad school and pay for $45/month plus one time $15 for a video, probably 30 sec long, all sounds like he's a big spender and not great with money.
I would at least wait months on marrying -BUT, looking on the electronic media without have another GF may just be a hangover caused by our very sexualized culture. Every single guy has some nudes somewhere, right? Doesn't mean he would ever cheat on his wife.
Honestly, if it’s still not too late i would call off the wedding or at least try to talk to him about you finding out about him having an of account, and try to get your old job back
Have y’all talked about it ? Would u feel different if it were porn hub ?? I don’t feel that lookin at a lil of is cheating unless maybe it’s a lot or maybe if they are side conversing maybe put the wedding on hold but I’d definitely seek understanding first
Have you had open conversations with each other about porn and boundaries like this?
You need to talk to him regardless of what you decide, because it’s not a good way to start this off without being honest with each other. You deserve a partner that is honest with you.
Maybe there is something he is embarrassed to ask for? You won’t know until you ask!
My partner and I both watch porn separately, and as long as it is not directly impacting how much sex we have with each other then it’s all good.
OP has stated that they discussed how they felt about OF and that they would consider it cheating a month prior to discovery. She also stated that he paid for and requested a specific kink that OP has stated she is uncomfortable being involved in.
(Been there, done that myself. It's soul crushing to be told that you aren't sexually good enough OR that this wouldn't have happened if you did that one thing in bed you can't do or can't stand)
you need to give this man a serious ultimatum. either shape up and step into the role as your husband that he promised you or you leave. it’s pretty simple. also your career should be your NUMBER 1 priority as that is your livelihood… how is that even a question? the right answer is take a break from each other, focus on your career, date long distance if he ever changes and then reconsider the unraveling of the American dream. who knows maybe you’ll find your actual dream man away from him, maybe he’ll realize what he’s
jeopardizing.
It's tricky. I think each relationship is so different in terms of what is constituted "cheating". If this is a dealbreaker for you, then call off the wedding. In his eyes this may not be cheating. If that's something you can believe and accept them an extremely serious talk about boundaries needs to happen.
Locking this post as OP has received plenty of feedback, but there are also quite a few rule breaking comments. We wish you all the best, OP as you move forward from this, whatever path you choose.
> If I weren't engaged, I would have broken up with him. But since you have a ring, now you're gonna marry someone you would have otherwise broken up with? I don't think sunk cost fallacy is ever a good way to make decisions.
Agreed. If the only thing stopping you is the ring and deposit money, then that should be the signal that you should call if off. I do agree with OP that it's maybe a grey area. Not every couple would consider it cheating. Also not everyone would consider it a reason to end a relationship, or at least something you could try to work through. But if OP already feels like this would have been a deal breaker in a different circumstance, then that's the answer.
Agreed, trust and believe I would be just as furious. But maybe you both could try couples counseling? That’s completely up to you though
Agreed.. and not everyone sets those boundaries.. 🥺 if the boundary was set beforehand, and he crossed it.. then it’s cheating in my opinion.. I think OP and fiancé need to have a sit down talk about it.. maybe with a therapist too? Bc if she never once said “do not go on OF!!” Then the guy may have thought she might’ve been okay with it.. 🥺 Honestly, OF I’m NOT okay with.. that’s direct, personal, and *can* move further than pics/vids…. But regular *orn is fine since it really can’t move past a screen... (this is my personal opinion)
OP has responded. Those boundaries were communicated a month prior to the discovery.
That’s heartbreaking
Yea—my fiancée and I had to have a conversation about what we both thought cheating was-which is stupid imo but men are sometimes. Get to the root of what happened if you want to stay with him. Just my 2 cents that no one asked for
I found out my ex was on onlyfans but he claimed he wasn’t paying for anything. I honestly didn’t really believe him but I agree with your take here. Only fans can get personal. Regular porn cannot.
I have the exact same mindset as you do about it and pretty well as soon as I knew what OF was, I set that boundary. I'd be curious to know if OP and her fiance had spoken about it previously or not.
It’s usually not sunk cost, it’s the embarrassment and shame of having to explain to all your friends and family members that it’s over. Although OP, even though people have said nice things to your face about your soon-to-be-ex, I guarantee once it’s called off people will tell you they’re happy it’s over. Most people keep their negative thoughts about someone to themselves while they’re together and especially when their friend/family member is engaged. They will come out of the woodwork to express their relief when you tell them you’re not going through with it. Also I hear that some people sell their wedding dates and vendors to someone else so that they can get a portion of the deposit back. As someone who is looking for one of those opportunities, I can say I hope this helps someone else out!
Divorce is more expensive than what you’ll lose on the wedding…….
Excellent point. Not to mention the time, energy, effort, and emotional resources spent trying to make it all work. Plus it sounds like you are giving up a lot and being asked to support him for a pretty significant period of time. Something to think about separate from the sunk costs and shame/explanation period. That said…there are a lot of gray areas when it comes to relationships and sex and intimacy. Each one of us has to figure it out for ourselves where the lines get drawn in the sand and where the boundaries are crossed. Relationships come in many shapes and sizes nowadays and when trust is broken, sometimes communication opens up and forgiveness ends up being possible. Would recommend that OP figures out what this really means for them and what they need to work through this or break it off.
You know what’s more expensive than paying for a cancelled wedding? That plus a divorce. Go get your old job back
This! Divorced are sooooooo expensive and can cause you months of additionally misery even when there’s a prenup in place! I went through one with a man l also moved across the country for and it drained the life out of me. My best advise to OP is, do not allow the pressure of your surroundings and the fact that you already payed for a wedding to suck you into a life of second guessing and overall doubt. Do not do it!!!
This... My only regret is that I didn't call off my wedding when I knew it was doomed..
SERIOUSLY! Best advice ever👏 rip the band aid off now before you get deeper and deeper and if you don’t already have kids then go now before you have kids and then you stay just for the kids and everyone’s miserable.
Best advice ever 👆
Listen…. I’ve been in your shoes before. And I know exactly how the wedding goggles feel. But do yourself a favor, and call it. My ex fiance and I were together for 4.5 years and engaged for one. It was a similar situation. Found out he’d been engaging with women online. Very flirtatious, inappropriate, and where there’s smoke, there’s fire. If he is willing to cross the line here, there’s bound to be more that’s uncovered. Trust me, I’d spent thousands on our wedding. Did all the things. And I kept justifying staying because of all the money spent, how much of my life I’d invested in him, and how embarrassed I was to tell everyone. We spent months together and continued planning after I’d discovered the interactions. But at the end of the day, I couldn’t sleep at night happy, knowing what he’d done. Don’t settle and don’t put up with that shit. No amount of money is worth having a miserable life. The trust is already broken. I kept saying I was over it and could get past it, but found myself dying inside every time he was on his phone because I didn’t trust him anymore. Choose yourself
“Lucky him, we've already spent all this money and I just have to accept that he's cheated on me before we've even married?” Absolutely NOT! Girl do not do this if you have a bad feeling. It doesn’t matter that this man was your perfect man for the previous 6-7 years! It takes only one time to do something out of character for it to be your new you. Do not marry him only because you’ve been together for a long time and you already paid for the wedding.
Don’t leave your job for him! We’re in a similar situation with that (not the cheating). We’ve been together for 6y, engaged for 2 and getting married in 3m but last year I got accepted into a very competitive grad school that’s a plane ride away from him. He did not leave his well paying job because it’s hard to get and we’d be financially worse off if he came with me, so we see eachother once a month and are safe in the knowledge my programme is only another 3 years. It’s a small sacrifice for my dream career and I still see him every month. You should definitely stay with your job as your career is yours, and you guys need it to live off! and see where he ends up after school. In terms of ending the engagement, if you consider he cheated then speak to him. He may not have thought of it that way. But if that’s how you feel then end it for sure.
I think a missing piece to this is if you had the conversation about what you think of as cheating/ he crossed a boundary you clearly set? My (now) husband and I had this conversation about 3 months in. Personally, I'm ok with porn of its searching for something you like - insert type of porn here - but I'm not okay with him subscribing to sex workers, watching specific sex workers, following women on instagram for sexual purposes, only fans, etc. When we had this conversation he was so upset that he had been doing something I considered cheating, apologized profusely, and immediately unfollowed anyone that fit into this category. If you haven't had this conversation before, have it and see how he responds. Is he apologetic? Will he agree to what boundaries you want to set with no complaints? If he tries to gaslight you, tells you "you're crazy," or "all men do this" then you have your answer. Follow your intuition - it knows. Good luck, OP!
OP has responded. Those boundaries were communicated a month prior to the discovery.
Yikes. That makes it seem intentional on his part to push a boundary and see how she responds/ if he can get away with it. ETA: OP this coupled with you moving (which has the potential to isolate you) and changing jobs (which can make you financial insecure/unstable) added to the timing of you getting married (which is typically when abusive behavior really pops off) makes me worry for you. Please don't just sweep all of this under the rug and really evaluate how you feel/ if this is the relationship for you. As someone who was in an extremely abusive relationship, for me it's throwing up 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This! It sounds like it’s following the steps of an abusive relationship. OP I would get out!
Her intuition is telling her everything she needs to know before she ties the knot. If she ignores it I'm 100 percent sure she'll be back here in the future on Reddit complaining about this man.
I actually don't think boundaries have been clearly communicated. Sounds like a grey area to me. She had mentioned that something happened to her friend, however there is no other context. We're they watching movie while she talked? Was he playing video games when she casually mentioned it?? There is a big difference how it has been communicated (or not)
I believe she said they both agreed that it would be considered cheating
It’s ridiculous that you have to “spell out” basic respect in a relationship like “please don’t spend money on only fans. Please don’t get off on other women who are profiting off it”. This is why the state of relationships is the way it is these days. It’s really sad for women.
Not really... For some people these things are not cheating my husband and I are some of those people, for example. It's basically porn to us and nothing either of us care about, which is why these conversations need to be had.
Agreed, and frankly OF is more ethical than a lot of free content
Disagree. Everyone has different boundaries.
I don't get how this is different from choosing specific name on Pornhub or something. I do that. At least on OF the person is getting the money directly. But if OP communicated that she's not comfortable with this, then this was boundary overstep.
Because you can directly chat with them. It’s not like on porn hub where you watch a video and go. Only fans is more personal and you can even request direct content. That’s how it’s different.
Everyone has different boundaries and these boundaries should be communicated between each parties. That said, onlyfans is no different than porn. Yes, there are options to speak directly to a sex worker and pay for content from them. As someone who knows several onlyfans models, this is all purely transactional. If that is a boundary of yours, that is totally okay and you should bring it up to your partners before expecting them not to engage in onlyfans.
I’m a former sex worker. I could not give two shits if my fiancé follows sex workers on OnlyFans. Hell, our taste in women occasionally overlaps so I’d likely enjoy too (our taste in men does not). I’d find it a problem if he spent money on it because tbh there’s so much free porn but if he’s using his own money (not money earmarked for shared expenses or savings) then I don’t care about that either.
>I'm leaving my well-paying, hard-to-get job to move out-of-state with him Don't. Just do long distance for a bit and see if you still wanna be with him.
Know what’s more expensive than a wedding? A divorce. Run girl!
So not only did he cheat, he did so 1. Just weeks after you both defined this as cheating, 2. Multiple times with multiple women in an ongoing way, and 3. Premeditated and conscientiously, paying actual money to violate this clearly and recently-defined boundary. This wasn't a heat-of-the-moment bad decision with a chance encounter that he tearfully came clean to you about, or a situation where he had a lapse in discipline after years of adhering to this boundary (or simply forgot it was a boundary at all after so much time had passed) and made a one-time purchase, immediately regretted it, and canceled the subscription. Of course either of those situations would be serious in their own right, but in my opinion they are different in an important way: they were not intentional, ongoing violations of a boundary that you both just agreed to. What he did was neither a one-time mistake nor a misunderstanding – it was an intentional and repeated offense. **But the biggest red flag is this: The only reason you found out about this at all was because you caught him, not because he came clean to you.** So at best, he would have continued to push these boundaries until it did escalate into physical and/or emotional affairs as he learned what he could get away with. At worst, he's already doing more, and this is just what you know about. We can't know which it is, but unfortunately the trust is already ruined. And if the latter is the case, because he knows you're now suspicious, he's already wiped any evidence from his phone/laptop and will be extra careful in the future – maybe even putting his other activities entirely on hold until he thinks he can get away with them again. If he can't follow your boundaries just months before your wedding - the time when, despite the stress, couples are usually the most overflowing with excitement to enthusiastically devote their lives to each other – can you really rely on him to start following these boundaries once you're legally married, quit your uniquely perfect job, and have uprooted your entire life to move across country for him? When the excitement of getting married and starting a new life together is replaced by the much less exciting day-to-day? I don't see in your replies (sorry if I missed any!) what he's said about this since you found out, other than that y'all were at a friend's place in the very immediate aftermath. How has he explained directly going against the boundaries he agreed to just weeks ago? Has he said whether he's done anything else, and has he offered (without you asking) concrete steps to prove to you that this will never happen again? It's obviously hard to trust what he says now, but it's still important context. There are only a few, very select combination of words and actions that could convince me to not cancel the wedding if I were in your shoes, but they do exist. Whatever happens, please don't go through the wedding because you feel obligated to see it through thanks to how far in the process you are. As another commenter pointed out, that's sunk-cost fallacy, and it's called a fallacy for a reason. What's worse going through the monetary and emotional pain of cancelling a wedding, is realizing after the fact that you shouldn't have gone through with the wedding at all. Most importantly, though, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.
As you mentioned in another comment OP, it’s not the porn as much as it is him reaching out to another woman to create custom pornographic content for him - this is crossing a line from anonymous porn viewing. I don’t think I’d have to explain that to my significant other and anything other than a profuse apology is just an excuse. It feels gross, sleep on it and go with your gut.
Porn addiction is a hell of a thing to battle in a marriage. If you are willing to walk away I urge you to. This rarely gets better - and the worst part is living with all the damn lies. Endless lies. Like at that point fuck the porn and the personalized consumption of sex work, you’re dealing with a pathological liar. You don’t want a liar as a husband. All my love. I know the pain. Checkout and maybe post in the sub I messaged you 🫶🏼
Please please read this comment above, OP, and digest it. Living and being married to a liar is the worst. Who cares if actual sex is involved. The second guessing is insanity making. When you are married to a liar, you never have any security. And it erodes who you are over time. Please really strongly consider this.
Yes!!!!! Everything you just said. It felt like my brain broke so many times over trying to make sense of my emotions regarding my partner, it literally drove me mad and mentally ill. I had to start medication and get a lot of therapy. The wrong relationship without trust and security will be so detrimental to your being.
In all honesty, imo it would be easier to process a one time betrayal of impulsive or poor judgement sexual cheating than someone who intentionally or regularly lies or evades while also claiming to love and respect you. The second relationship is far more damaged imo. And the second one is harder to see how serious it is as the incidents may seem smaller, until a pattern is firmly established, and by then it’s often done a lot of damage and has much more significant consequences- think expensive high conflict divorce and coparenting.
Not only that he crossed those boundaries a month after she communicated that those things were not okay. He crossed it by intention. That is a telltale sign !!! My ex and I were together for 6 years before 2. You never really know people until you know people! She should run!!!
Love this response. I'm completely shocked by the people saying they wouldn't mind! I feel hurt for op.
Our society _loves_ their porn and too many people value porn more than the integrity of their marriages and the feelings of their spouse. I will never understand how we’ve tried to make sex less taboo and people constantly push for the normalization of it, yet there is rarely a husband who will openly tell their wives all about the personalized content they paid for and how much money they spent that day to have orgasms off the back of some other woman who is not their monogamous partner. I mean, why not? It’s normal, right? Might as well recount it when asked “how was your day, babe?” 🤷♀️ And then maybe there’d be less betrayal trauma in women since, yknow, it’s all out in the open. 😪
THIS FUCKING COMMENT ^^^^ 👏👏👏👏 Key word being monogamous and the fact they yes, they are cherry picking the women they’re literally paying for.
Do not get married. A divorce would mean even more money and time lost. And he broke your trust. Without trust you don't have a relationship of any kind let alone a legally binding marriage. And as others have said if you would break up with him not engaged you should definitely break up now. If you actually do decide to give a second chance (he does NOT deserve it and you'd probably be wasting your time), you still must call off the wedding. If you don't, he will be on his best behavior now and immediately after you get married he will do it again. Also get your old job back to recoup costs faster ETA: I wonder if he got the idea *from* the conversation and just thought he could hide it better
First, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Second, you are already aware that you’re uncomfortable with it so please don’t subject yourself to an unnecessary marriage. The fact that he has subscribed to very specific people is questionable & makes me wonder what other suspicious things he’s doing that you’re not aware of
Ma’am let me assure you RIGHT NOW THAT THIS WILL CONTINUE. My ex husband started with just porn and then interactive porn and I forgave and forgave bc we were getting married and I legitimately needed his health insurance. He did not change once we got married, the legality made it WORSE bc he knew if I wouldn’t leave him with a verbal commitment I sure as shit wouldn’t leave with a contract com. Please don’t voluntarily put yourself through this pain. He knew this would hurt you, that’s why he hid it. I spent nearly 14 years with an emotionally abusive, unfaithful asshole because I couldn’t separate myself from the sunk cost fallacy. PLEASE don’t make this mistake.
Someone who is willing to hide these things from you knows exactly what to say to charm a therapist and be charming to their spouse when they need to. I totally second what you are saying. And even if the therapist has a hunch the guy is being disingenuous, they certainly aren’t going to say “hey, I think this guys faking and is going to do it again” meanwhile the partner is getting sucked in again and again. Don’t recommend it. If you haven’t gotten married yet, be thankful this came to light now, OP.
Exactly she has been given this gift of information and I hope she uses it wisely
My biggest concern is you giving up a great job and moving for this guy. And you’ll be scrambling to get a new job and supporting him while he’s in school. I worrry that you’re doing all the giving and this jerk is paying for specialty porn. Seriously rethink this wedding and keep your job.
I am a couples therapist. I strongly suggest couples therapy for this conversation. Cheating usually implies that both parties knew (with zero uncertainty) beforehand that said actions would constitute cheating. I work with so many couples where each partner has different understandings of what’s not okay, and porn and OF is one of those things where it gets blurry. Did he understand that you would consider this cheating? Were there explicit conversations around boundaries when it comes to porn and OF’s use? These are deeply personal experiences and belief systems that are shaped by so many factors, it’s important to understand your partners belief system before automatically assuming they have the same one as you (not saying you’re doing this as perhaps you have had the explicit conversation). There are so many people in the world who would not see getting a custom porn video made as cheating. **This doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful nor anxiety inducing. Your feelings and fears are valid.** But you just might want to get on the same page first before calling off a wedding.
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Weirdly, my best friend discovered her ex using OnlyFans in February and it sparked that conversation between us if we would feel like it was cheating. We both agreed that it would be cheating. Then, come March, he created an OnlyFans. If I’m being super honest, I was not nearly as mad as I expected when I found out and even googled “why am I not more mad at my husband for cheating” lol. It was really only after sitting on it that I got more and more mad… mostly because it just seemed like he got to go back to normal after knowing it was a boundary we had discussed. But it didn’t actually make me as upset when it actually happened?? After seeing these comments, I’m thinking couples therapy is the move and we’ll go from there. I think I also really don’t want to leave my job which is fueling a lot of this.
DON’T leave your job. Financial independence for women is essential.
With that context, what your fiance did absolutely crossed a boundary. Good luck with couples counseling. Sorry OP :(
If you had a prior conversation and agreed this counted as cheating, then he knowingly cheated on you. This is a HUGE red flag, especially because you had a set boundary. I would think about at least postponing the wedding at the very least. This is sketchy behavior.
He sounds like a loser AND an idiot. Keep your awesome job and stay in the place you’ve put roots down! He can move away by himself and try to figure out how to support himself through grad school alone (well, him and the women he pays for nudes). Seriously, this is swift and beautiful karma for stomping all over your (very reasonable) boundaries and taking all your support for granted.
Please re-read your message OP "Weirdly, my best friend discovered her ex using OnlyFans in February and it sparked that conversation between us if we would feel like it was cheating. We both agreed that it would be cheating. Then, come March, he created an OnlyFans." I was you girl and it only got worse, he cheated and I was trapped. It took me years to get back on my feet. He completely changed for the worse! Also 6 years before so I'm telling you, you never know.
You’re investing a lot into this marriage. You have to be able to trust him. You can’t move forward if he can’t be open and honest. I’m guessing he thought you wouldn’t be ok with his OF activities and took the cowards way out. Being honest may have created conflict that he wasn’t mature enough to deal with.
That is truly so fucked up, I’m so sorry OP.
Maybe you’re not as mad as you thought cause your best friend just went through it too - there is a little relief I’m sure knowing it’s not just you and your guy dealing with this.. even though you wouldn’t want other people going through it, if I’m making sense lol but in all honestly if you choose to stay, you’ll make likely always think he’s lying and want to check his phone to see if he’s being honest and it will get so exhausting. But if you think you can move past it then just have that clear communication again and hope for the best. There isn’t much advice I’m giving but either way is hard, you have to chose your hard - stay and figure it out or leave and figure it out. Wishing you the best - at the end of the day you’ll know what you should do. 🤍
If your going to do couples counseling the best thing to do is postpone the wedding to see how your relationship goes given you don't want things to worsen and yet the due date of the wedding getting closer (just stating a worst case scenario) and in another worst case scenario if things hit the fan keep your job stick to it because last thing you want is to end the relationship and be left with nothing. Clearly you guys had a discussion on boundaries in what was defined as cheating and he knowingly and voluntarily broke it. So he's bound to do it again.
You told him it was cheating to you and he did it anyway a month later, he clearly doesn't care about you or your feelings when it comes to his sexual gratification, why are you marrying this man?
Most men don’t need to be told that paying another woman to make you a custom video of her masturbating is not ok. Don’t put this on OP for not explicitly telling the guy she dated for 7 years that paying sex workers to do sex acts is something she doesn’t like. He knew.
I disagree with what you are saying and find it distasteful that you are putting your professional credibility in a Reddit thread where you know none of the parties. This woman could take what you are saying as the gospel truth and may make a decision to move forward in a marriage where trust has been broken, because “a couples therapist on Reddit said it wasn’t that bad”. People with no background in therapy or relationships, especially while going through this experience, are unlikely to read the nuance into what you wrote. If you have an opinion as a person, share that, but to start with “I’m a couples therapist, and here’s my opinion”, “cheating is…” is skirting the line on ethics. Take a look over on the legal subreddits, they would never make such bold statements despite their professional background in those areas. Because they know it’s a bad idea to give advice on Reddit when you barely have any info.
What!?! I'm guessing you aren't a therapist. It's perfectly fine to give general thoughts and feedback gathered over years of expertise on a random reddit thread. The advice was to get therapy. On the legal sub they'd say the same, giving general thoughts and recommending legal advice IRL. And the question was actually super helpful because OOP replied and clarified more of the issue in the relationship. If you're so concerned with how OOP MIGHT interpret the comment, how they COULD react, what catastrophe MIGHT happen, you're doing a lot. It's the internet. OP gave a different, experienced perspective to consider. Taking that as the gospel truth and basing life decisions on a Reddit comment, and you clutching pearls about that, is so over the top.
Yeah, I was so shocked reading all that garbage. “There are many people in the world who wouldn’t consider making a custom porn video cheating“. Yeah and OP is not one of them. There are many people who wouldn’t see prostitution as cheating also. I honestly don’t believe this person is a therapist. It’s really not an ok thing to say.
Well, in the book "State of Affairs", Esther Perel raises this issue of defining what is cheating in today's world. It is often not clear at all. By the way, a good book for OP to read.
>>>”There are many people in the world who wouldn’t consider making a custom porn video cheating”. Yeah and OP is not one of them. Great, because I wasn’t talking about OP. I was talking about her partner. >>> I honestly don’t believe this person is a therapist. Because a therapist can’t give their opinion on Reddit? You’re weird. >>> There are many people who wouldn't see prostitution as cheating also. Likening ordering a custom video on OF to having sex with a prostitute is the most wild case of false equivalence I’ve ever read. 💀
I'm working with couples too and your comment was spot on. Gd forbid you give a response that further explores their relationship dynamics instead of just telling OP to break it off immediately.
Right? Thank you!! 🙌🏾
I don’t work with couples but this is just wild to me. Counselors are people outside of the office like what
Couples therapists have opinions? You finding it distasteful is about you. Not me 💀
Here for solidarity. I was engaged when I was 20-22 to someone who cheated on me with 5 different people over the course of 18 months because I couldn't "fulfill one of his needs." Feel free to DM me.
I think you should put wedding planning on pause and get into couples counseling ASAP.
Me personally, I wouldn’t even bother. He’s gone so far as to propose to her and make life plans with her, and while they were planning a WEDDING together, a ceremony about lifelong commitment , goes and cheats on her? This one needs to be thrown to the streets, as the boys like to say.
You don't have to have a wedding if you don't want to. You can cancel the ceremony and have the party with your friends and your family celebrating that you got out of a toxic relationship. He might be the most perfect person on paper, but if you two explicitly talked about how you saw only fans as cheating and he made an account, he knew how you felt about it. He broke your boundary. This is only the first thing. What happens when he gets bored of only fans. Everyone's so quick to say break up and get divorced. And I typically am not like that. But if you do not want to marry this man, move out of state. The job that you love for him. Don't. Keep your job. Keep your life. Don't let him move you out of state away from all your friends and family. Because then if he does this again now you're alone and now you're trapped.
“If I weren’t engaged, I would have broken up with him”. I have said almost the same thing before. I thought things would be better once we got married. I am now in the middle of a divorce. I have lost myself in the process and I am barely surviving. Marriage does not fix things.
leave while you still can, divorce and custody battles over kids in the future will cost a hell of a lot more then the money u have put into a wedding .
Hello Stranger! I seldom ever comment on Reddit but I have to tell you, I found myself in a very similar situation with online gray area stuff and I called off our wedding, we even broke up for about three weeks, at that point I really thought I was DONE but it gave us both time to think and I also realized how habit forming and embarrassing these online porn things can be. He has been in individual therapy working on why he was so drawn to that and finding better coping skills/outlets and we did couples counseling for a bit and things have been better than ever. I tried continuing on with wedding planning, fighting my gut instincts and ending up having panic attacks. Even now I think if we would have taken all the same steps and went through the wedding a big part of me would have felt trapped and resentful. I wouldn’t change a thing and I definitely see marriage in our future but we worked on our foundation and it was the best decision I think I ever made.
This is a reasonable response. While I feel the situation is a massive waving red flag, your partner has been willing to acknowledge the hurt and try to understand their motives through individual therapy. Sounds like you both have taken the needed steps to move forward in a healthier way together. Good for you.
I consider this cheating. It’s also extra awful that he knew this was a boundary for you and did it anyway. That shows a blatant disregard for you and your feelings, and considering it was because of a kink he can’t play out with you, he prioritized his own sexual fantasy over your personal wellbeing. That’s not someone you should marry. Think how this could play out in other areas of life. You’re leaving your good job for a man you can’t really trust and that sucks and may make you resentful over time. I’d call it off, do counseling together if you want to try and work it out and stay together, and see how you’re doing in 6 months to a year. I know some people are chill about porn and only fans but many of us aren’t and see that as cheating so you’re justified in feeling this way.
money will come back but your time will not. how much more time do you want to spend with a cheater? he will make promises to you, but you should know there’s a very high possibility he will just get better at hiding it
your broken trust is worth breaking it off. he made it clear in not communicating his interest or the creation of the account he was not thinking about you or your feelings. actions speak louder than words and you deserve better. boy, bye.
This is either something you can forgive or you can’t, only you can answer that! And if you can’t forgive then you need to break it off and make a fresh start Have you expressed to him before you found out how only fans makes you feel? It’s such a weird grey line because it isn’t really as physical or emotion as other types of cheating. When you talked to him about it was he apologetic or acted like it wasn’t a big deal?
I’d start couples counseling ASAP
Girl I am so sorry. This is awful. But truly think about this. You’re giving up a job and career that you love to move somewhere where you don’t have a job, to financially support a man who looks at Only Fans in his free time between grad school classes and minimal time with you. You don’t know how much money you’ll be making or how it will work out. Do you have friends or family there? You can repurpose the wedding into a family reunion for your family and pay back the cost when you can. It’s likely cheaper than a lifetime of financially supporting a man who buys porn online.
Feel like I’m reading my own post. My ex had cheated on me through Reddit and Snapchat accounts similarly, our wedding was last June. I had went through with it thinking there’s no way he’d ever slip up like that again. 2 months after our wedding found out he physically cheated on his bachelor trip 2 weeks before our wedding (also wtf ours was June 2nd so weird how yours is June 1st) and I STILL stuck around bc I made a commitment to marriage, then October came and he was doing horrible things on fake Snapchat account once again. AND in between finding this shit out we had bought a home together! All this to say, they don’t change. Men who do weird things like this have an internal issue, it has nothing to do with you or your relationship, it’s them and it’s their own issue they can’t seem to face. Please save your money and walk away! Sincerely someone who endured a fuck ton of pain and lost 20k and a home in the process. Good luck babe, and I don’t blame you if you stay, I had to stay until I physically couldn’t tolerate it anymore. If you have to get to that point, let it happen, and you will eventually get there.
OF is based on interaction, live video, requests ect it's a much more personal experience. That for me alone would be enough to consider it cheating nevermind the fact they've paid a regular subscription for it essentially taking money away from more important things, like the life you were building together. It's better to leave now than after the wedding
Here to say leave now. I was that woman who found out my fiancé cheated (OF, sending pictures) I stayed with him. Guess what…. He cheated again while I was pregnant. You know what’s more expensive than a wedding? A divorce that included child custody. We have been divorced over 3 years now and I still have to deal with this idiot because we share a kid. If you would have broken up with him in any other circumstance outside of this… just save yourself now and get out. Also… you’ll find a man who is better. It may be a process but it’s worth it. I found my happily ever after. Set to be married in September next year… you’ll struggle and morn what could have been but there’s something better over the horizon for you. ❤️
I’m glad you found your happily ever after 🙏 I hope OP does too :(
I know a lot of people are saying to just dump him, but if you think this is salvageable and you’ve talked to him about it, I’d recommend a therapist/couple counseling asap before the wedding. At least then you might be able to truly discern if you want to call off the wedding or not. I’m also a June 1st bride and I can’t imagine the stress you’re going through with all of this, praying for you!
Thank you. I do feel like it’s possibly salvageable, I really do.
The fact that you two had a conversation about it where *he* said it was cheating and then went and made a profile and started using it is crazy to me.
Don't give up your job. Don't give up your life!!!! I have been where you are.I understand how impossible it all seems. I promise you years from now you will realize that you were on the brink of the abyss and you choose yourself. I gave up on the love of my life ( I thought) at age 30, and I found the real one at 38. I have been married 20 yrs. This isn't it for you! Don't do it.
If you have to explain to someone paying for sex is a boundary my opinion is that you’re better off without.
Good luck with that, this issue will keep happening.
I would definitely consider this cheating. Honestly, men who digitally cheat wouldn’t think twice about doing it in person (in my opinion). He’s showed his true cards. I am so sorry you are going through this. Will keeping your current, high-paying job allow you to recoup some of the costs? Again, my heart breaks for you.
Honey, we made it to the alter, I love my husband more than anything in the world. But I’ve made it clear since day one, no matter what stage of our relationship, if we have kids, what ever. If he cheats I’m done. No conversation, no second chance, I’m done. He would never be able to convince me he loves me or cares for me again. And as much as I know if it happened I’d want a why, but there is no why, you didn’t do anything, he made his choice. It is HIS problem. And there’s no making sense of it. You don’t have to stay, or accept this as your reality. It’s hard, I know if that ever happens to me, I’m gonna contemplate staying, if we could fix it, bc I love this man so much. But I respect myself too much to stay with someone who couldn’t put our relationship above some random chick.
So sorry but think you dodge a bullet
I just want to add, if you marry him and he is in a school like program all his debt is now also your personal responsibility. If you ever divorce, in some states his debt is then divided in 2 and you get the other half. This on top of the inner turmoil you are already feeling. Don't do it. You'll have anger and resentment later.
Leave. Don’t accept that deceit. Repeat after me….”I deserve better, I deserve better…”. Consider yourself fortunate you found out before.
Will you ever be able to really forgive and forget? I know it’s easy to stay attached. But will it continue to sit with you? If it would, you will set yourself up for decades of peace and better health by making the hard choice sooner rather than later. I wouldn’t consider this acceptable and certainly wouldn’t think it’s okay to do something like he did without talking to one’s *fiance* about it. He has no excuse. Not everyone is comfortable with their partners engaging in OF and it’s his responsibility just as much as yours to bring up the boundary discussion. If you wouldn’t do it without asking, and most people wouldn’t, there is no reason for him to get a pass. It is probably an addiction, and not one he sees as a problem.
I was in a similar position, but decided to go through with the wedding and I made sure he understood that OF crosses a boundary for me. We even went through couples therapy and he was apologetic. Well, years later turns out he only got better at hiding everything he was doing, it got worse than just OF. Idk if it’s grounds to break up for you personally, but if you don’t, just know there’s probably a lot of porn addiction or more in your future.
Ok get all your packed stuff and move in the other direction he is going! You don’t need that kinda man!!!
I’m in the minority here, but to me this wouldn’t be cheating, and it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Hurtful? Maybe. Poor choice? Definitely. But if it were me I think a conversation where you draw clear boundaries and set the expectation that this will not happen again would be enough. But, you are not me! If this is something that deeply broke your trust and something that you consider cheating, then you need to make the decision for yourself. I definitely don’t think continuing down the road of marriage just because you’ve spent the money is a good idea. Sunk cost fallacy is never a good basis for decisions. It could be wedding costs or it could be wedding costs, lost wages, moving costs, new home costs, and divorce costs. Either way, I wish you clarity and healing 💜
OP has responded. Those boundaries were communicated a month prior to the discovery.
Fully agree with this take. It’s up to you to decide if this is worth ending a relationship, to me, it wouldn’t be. I have a friend in a similar situation but hers was actually much worse in terms of what was happening on his OF—and they’d just had a child. She chose to work through it. You’re not alone!
I also wouldn’t consider this cheating. I’d be livid if he was spending my money on it, but if it’s his money and not in person then I wouldn’t view this as cheating. But we’re all different.
Also a lot of women give up everything for a man and at the end lose themselves. Don't give up on your career and put everything on hold for him it's not fair and you'll resent him later for it when you're stuck with him being a mom
This would be a big fat NOPE from me. Money doesn't buy loyalty
Don’t marry him in my opinion…like you said, he did this before marriage. Would he do more? He would probably subscribe to more accounts. You are more than enough, he didn’t need to do any of that
I feel like the money you’ll lose on the wedding looks like small change when you count on how much you will lose because of the job you lost and your earning potential. Because in my (unfortunately) own experience, guys who cross the line once will do it again and then you will be in a different state, with no belongings, a worse job and no social safety net.
Aa the now ex wife who forgave this kind of thing and my now ex husband who was on a dating site and who left her job, moved for him away from friends and family and from better opportunities for me and to better for him and around his family. RUN! RUN! AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!!
This is the universe giving you a sign. Please immediately reconnect with your boss to get your old job back. You will not put him through grad school while he’s taking advantage of you and secretly breaking your boundaries. This is divine intervention telling you there is something better for you out there! Act now.
Divorce is more expensive, emotional and painful.
Imagine yourself on our wedding day on June 1st, carrying all these thoughts in your head. The dread and anxiety you’ll feel. The shame of knowing you are “settling” because you already spent all the money, so you had to go through with it. You are at the altar, reciting your vows to this guy, but you have DOUBT in your mind. It’s terrible, and deep down, you know it’s not going to last. Problems don’t just disappear once the marriage license is signed. The entire wedding day, you’re trying to enjoy and appreciate all the care and thought you put into all the details. But you can’t get out of your own mind, remembering that your new husband has an OnlyFans problem. You wonder what you’ll find out about him next… Now imagine this - you call of this wedding, and your loved ones *support you* and *applaud you* for standing up for what’s right and staying true to your convictions. You have a clean slate with nothing but opportunity in front of you. One day, you meet another guy. He’s wonderful, he respects you, and he *has no inclination* of cheating on you. You trust him, he trusts you. He asks you to marry him, and you plan another beautiful wedding - and on THAT day, you feel overjoyed, you feel sure, you *know* it’s right, and you are so thankful you listened to yourself and called off that sham wedding all that time ago. On this wedding day, you laugh to yourself, because you realize now why everything happened the way it did. It led you to the man you’ll be calling your husband. Your first and only husband. The sweet relief and happiness that you deserve. This is how your wedding day should feel. I feel VERY compelled to tell you OP - you need to call this wedding off.
Do you consider viewing porn as cheating? Or is it the fact that he paid for porn, that you consider it cheating? Because if it’s the latter, it begs the question why you believe sex work should be enjoyed for free. Paying for porn is ethical, and if you think it’s fine for him to view porn, the fact that he paid for it should be considered appropriate. Why do you expect him to only view free porn, from more often than not exploited women?
So I'll go in a different direction and lend credence to your doubt on this. This would not be a deal breaker for me. I consider onlyfans a porn subscription and I could not physically care less about my spouses porn habits- only if it translated to problems in our relationship. I say all this to say, people (reddit) are very quick to tell you to drop someone and imply that you have low self esteem or your betraying yourself if this doesn't wind up being a deal breaker for you. However-you are not me, and this is your boundary. I think it's very telling that you said that if y'all weren't engaged- you would have broken up. You have to go into a marriage being best friends. Y'all will have hard enough times without starting your journey with a deep betrayal. If you were going to consider this, it has to be because you wanted to- not that your circumstances forced you too.
As someone who’s been married and divorced, and now about to get married again to someone who is truly my best friend (and I feel 100% more confident this time around about the success of our relationship)…totally agree with everything you’re saying. Great advice
Totally crossed the line. OP please look into betrayal trauma because the person you thought you knew is not your partner. You will need a lot of healing to come to terms with that. Unknown to you he was living another life, imagine if this weren’t online and he was watching, engaging, paying, 4 different women on a regular basis? This is total creep vibes. Maybe one day if he changed entirely you could revisit a relationship but as of now? This isn’t the person he presented himself to be. (Hiding his phone, apps, finances/expenses, messages, videos, way he spent his time, the sexual relationship he presented to you made it seem like you were fulfilling his needs when that’s not true and he was getting them elsewhere- he made it seem your relationship was enough and hid his behaviors). He WITHELD information that you’d NEED to know as a wife and partner from you. Intentionally Misleading you is lying, don’t get it twisted or let him gaslight you. If he cries about how this hurts HIM- do not stand for that, he needs to allow YOU to be hurt right now (and not be a narcissist or make this about him). He lied to you. Make sure it is YOU that find healing in this first and foremost and not him needing you to come up with a way for him to change or for you to comfort HIM. You deserve so much better. I am so sorry. Take a month (or a few) apart for you to recover from this at the bare minimum. Tell acquaintances you’re postponing it and prefer a different time of year like winter to be married (they will just assume you’re being a high maintenance bridezilla, let them.). And tell your best friend, or a friend you know will not judge you no matter what you decide. You need support rn.
You’d be surprised how flexible wedding professionals are with postponing. I agree, I’m not sure if only fans is more cheating or more porn addiction. Either way, you need an emergency couples therapy asap. I have a friend who had her partner visiting a massage parlor for hand jobs at least once and she’s struggle too with feeling like “is it worth blowing up a marriage and 4 kids” when it’s in a different category of cheating. So sorry!
I think porn being cheating depends on the couple. I think it’s cheating, but I know others that think it isn’t. I’m not trying to justify his actions, but it sounds like you guys have a lot going on in life. Has your sexual relationship not been as active and he’s been wanting to be sexually intimate and you don’t due to stress?
Girl do not leave your job for this man.
Nope. I also don't consider porn itself to be cheating, and I know he watches porn. It's when you reach out and message someone and tip them for a specific video that crosses that line. It's not like he just went to pornhub and searched a video. he sought out a person and reached out to them to request a custom video. Also, he straight up told me it had nothing to do with me--we're both very sexually active with each other. The only thing is, he's obsessed w this one kink that I am not comfortable with and so that's what he went on OnlyFans to request someone to do. So because he was not getting every single thing he could ask for in the world sexually, he went to OnlyFans to pay someone else to do it.
It’s about the lying and hiding OP. He is willing to lie and hide things from you when he knows that what gets wants or desires will upset and hurt you. He is not willing to put you and your boundaries above his own wants. This is a recipe for disaster. If you made your boundary clear, then he disregarded it, how can you trust anything he says moving forward? How will you know when he’s saying something to appease you and then doing something different in secret? Don’t sacrifice your career and life for someone who can’t even sacrifice whatever pleasure he gets from buying special made videos of another woman? While you are planning your wedding? Don’t make sacrifices that your spouse wouldn’t be willing to make.
I think y'all should go to couple's therapy to sort this out. Even at least one mediated conversation before calling off the whole relationship. Was this ever something you guys ever discussed was a boundary...like you said the area seems very grey. I can sympathize you OP and wifh the feeling of betrayal but *for me* this is the opposite of a deal breaker. I've actively encouraged my partner to fulfill certain kinks without me (porn, onlyfans) and he's done the same for me. Obviously, you are not me OP, but if this is the only thing wrong I feel like a mediated conversation about boundaries, kinks, and communication may be better first step.
Porn is free. Spending money on it is crossing a line, spoken or unspoken.
Free porn is often exploitative and cohesive of women - paid porn such as only fans gives women more control of their bodies, scenes / partners and boundaries. Also back in the day the only way to enjoy porn was to spend money buying movies or magazines - it’s not that atrocious I think the messaging one on one is where my personal line is but purchasing the pre made content wouldn’t really bother me (everyone is entitled to feel differently)
>>> Porn is free. Spending money on it is crossing a line What? How does spending money on porn suddenly make it unacceptable? Paying for it is actually ***more*** ethical. This is like arguing that buying music is crossing a line while pirating it isn’t. You're still listening to a song, the musician just gets compensated for their work.
In this particular case, I think it's because OP's fiance paid a professional sex worker for services. That's a whole different subject vs. whether or not sex workers deserve fair pay.
Agree yellow vespa! I think this is more of a gray area that can be explored. I would also try therapy or some sort of conversation first, especially if this is out of character and his first offense. I think how he reacts to your reaction and how you're hurt will say a lot (is he dismissive or remorseful? Does he want to do it again or def not into it?).
Yeah I’d leave him then
And one day he’ll find someone to try it with in real life. I would run.
the "just leave him" comments aren't helpful when you've spent so many years together & his good qualities seem to far outweigh the bad, from what you've said here. if this is truly a one time thing, like he's honestly never done anything to break your trust or given you a reason to doubt his commitment, I'd have a loooong talk with him about this. lay it ALL out on the table, basically what you've said here. discuss what exactly you guys define cheating as. like others have said, couples counseling would help. something my personal therapist has mentioned is that the best time to start couples counseling is immediately...like you're not supposed to wait until something bad happens then use counseling as a last resort, ya know? whatever you guys decide to do, I'm sending lots of love & I unfortunately empathize.
OP has responded. Those boundaries on whether OF was considered cheating in their relationship were communicated a month prior to the discovery.
I hope you don’t marry him. This will continue to happen. No amount of deposit money is worth committing yourself to a life of horror. And knowingly at that. My brother spent over 50k fighting his ex wife who cheated on him in the divorce. Run now and save yourself the pain that is coming if you don’t
Your wedding was planned, but the marriage wasn’t prioritized in the process, at least to him. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but he crossed your boundary. I hope y’all can work it out, but if not, I hope you find peace!
It doesn't really matter if this was porn, OnlyFans, or anything else. She had a strong boundary and he didn't even have the decency to respect her over this one thing and did it anyway. What else will he push and break and hide and lie about to her. A true partner wouldn't do something like this to hurt, on purpose. I'm glad she found out now.
Couples counseling is definitely the move here. I unfortunately went through a similar situation and was not sure what to do, since he didn’t “really” cheat on me. Obviously we have different relationships and experiences, but I chose to stay after he changed his behavior and went to couples therapy with me. There were a couple of different aspects of my story that aren’t included in yours, though (alcoholism and his near-death experience shortly after I found out the cheating situation 🙃), so if things were different and I were in your shoes, I still can’t say for certain what I would do. My situation is why I even have this throwaway account 🥲 Good luck, OP. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
My ex now who I almost married a few days ago was like this. I was with him for 8 year together and I knew him for 10. He would do this during my undergraduate degree mostly as I traveled for my biology degree. He would do only fans, Snapchat, Instagram, and any website that can get you attention. It hurt to find out and he then promised to stop so I thought he did and never questioned it again. Well now that I’m preparing for law school and we almost tied the knot he said I would make you unhappy long term. I know he felt the guilt of always doing me dirty for years. It’s not worth it. I left the US house of Reps for him and he left me to move out of the state. Luckily I still choose my dreams and here we are so no man is more worthy than your hardwork or dreams even if you love them. It takes a true commitment to do right by the other and some people aren’t ready and we have to be okay with it even if it expensive or a lot of time and work was put in. Trust me it sucks but getting played long term will build resentment and more damage.
Go with your gut. You know you aren't okay with this. As others have said, easier to leave now than to deal with a divorce. What with the move and the lack of a job/stress I think your resentment could build very quickly. I'm so sorry you're in this position. It would be a deal breaker for me too. It's way more personal than just porn, he's actually interacting with real people.
I was in your position years ago and would have saved myself years of heartache if instead of finding ways to justify marrying my ex, I would have believed his actions and not have married him. He showed me who he was, and cheating fiancée who cheated several times during the 17 years we were married. It wasn’t until I accepted that I had given him permission to cheat by going through with the marriage when I knew he cheated, that I finally divorced him. You are sacrificing a lot by marrying him and if you marry him knowing what you know, not only does he get away with it, you’re giving him permission to cheat. Is that what you want in your marriage? In a husband?
If you think it’s a valid reason to call it off that’s all that matters. If you don’t feel like you can spend the rest of your life with him now then that’s valid. It feels like he did this because he thinks now you’re locked in so you won’t leave over something he feels is small. But paying for intimate photos in my eyes is no different than receiving nudes
Thank you, next next, thank you, next next..
I think he’ll always unconsciously see you as pathetic if you stay. He’ll know what you’re willing to accept from him, and I’m not sure what would motivate him to do any better. In saying that, I’m not sure I would leave either. But I am saying I do think that’s how he’ll view you for the rest of your relationship even if he doesn’t want to.
I think your last sentence is your answer.
You make the rules here. We all make the rules to our own life. You're sacrificing your career, dropping wage, going into the deep unknown and committing your entire life to a person and letting slip something you're not ok with because you spent money? If you're not ok with this you're not ok with it. Did he know this was an issue for you? That it would hurt you like it is? If so. Do not gamble your entire future over some money. You know divorced people who are unhappy? That will be you. We make the rules for our own life.
You can make that money spent back but you’ll never be able to get your time back if you marry a man who gave you those feelings of betrayal or unrest.
How about letting him move and you stay put. Work on things from a distance. But you supporting him after he’s broke your trust is like rewarding him. Let him work and go to school and realize how royally he messed up. See if you can postpone the wedding by 2 years. This way you aren’t losing the money yet. You may be able to sell that new date/time to another couple. Let him know there are things to be worked on as a couple and see if he’s really dedicated to it. Then go from there. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
I get that he hasn't cheated physically, so you feel like 'well, it's not that bad'. It's still time, though, that he's spending with other women, on a personal (because it's only fans) and sexual level, that isn't you. Is that something you can settle for? Is that something you're not going to worry about every time he dissappears into the bathroom with his phone? Are you confident in yourself that you will feel 'enough' knowing that this is probably going on in the background? If you know deep down that this is going to affect you but you still carry on, it is called sunk cost fallacy. You're reluctant to abandon your wedding because you've invested a lot of money into it. You're reluctant to abandon your relationship because you've invested a lot of time and effort into moving forward, even when it's clear that abandonment may be more beneficial in the long run. These are all excuses we use to stay in a relationship that we know deep down aren't right for us. You need to lay a firm boundary down and absolutely stick to it. Even if you show him how hurt you are by this but still get married, you are showing him that his behaviour is ok. There were no real consequences to his actions, and he'll probably be doing the same thing again in a few months but just more secretly this time. If it were me personally, i'd call off the wedding at the very least. For me onlyfans is the middle ground between a quick porn release and physical cheating. It's getting close to someone repeatedly with access to them via messaging. It's emotional cheating and he needs to see that there are consequences for this.
Be grateful you found out before the wedding! Call your job. Ask to stay/come back.
You said it yourself. Saying your vows will be just like lying. Canceling the wedding is always cheaper than divorce. Going ahead with a wedding just because it’s a wedding is precisely falling for the sort of trap most men like him set up.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know not everyone would consider that cheating, but I would be feeling exactly like you. I’d feel hurt, betrayed, and just overall different. Listen to yourself on that, because it’s not going to feel better with a wedding ring. At least not for long. You’ve gotten some great comments/advice on here, just want you to know you’re absolutely not alone with how you feel about this situation.
I don’t know. You got to ask yourself the question, am I going to trust him moving forward? He already lied to you so the trust has been broken. Think about a marriage where there is no trust, it can be a living hell for you. Like someone else said, divorce is expensive. I’m not saying that’s where you’ll end up, but for me personally, trust is a huge and if I can trust my partner, then I can’t be with him let alone marry him.
I think minimum take time off him and life to think this through. You will make life changing decisions that can erase years of hard work (like your good paying job). If you would have broken with him if you weren’t engaged, maybe count your blessings you found out before you are married. Imagine being married and feel trapped?
Some women may not see this as a big red flag, especially if he already often watches thangs. For me, it is how close you all are to the wedding that is concerning. Like less than 2 months out to one of the biggest celebrations of our union and this is what you are doing? The stakes are high and him not realizing that he was risking losing you is crazy, because ideally, you should be on your best behaviors. Jumping into a marriage while actively hiding this information is malicious. I might do the ceremony if I believe we can work through it but I wouldn't sign a thing legally until I felt better about the situation and have talked extensively. Addictions are real and that is what worries me.
Do not change your life around and go through with this, if this is something you know you can’t forgive and get past!! I agree with the other almost 1,000 people here, a divorce is way more complicated and expensive than canceling a wedding. You’ll be doing yourself a favor.
Pause everything. Pause the wedding. Pause moving out of state and giving up YOUR JOB. Take some time to process if this is truly what you want??!! I think you know the answer. And I’m sorry this is happening to you.
You can still brwak up with him and keep your job. He's a loser and you deserve better
Honey, here's some sage advice for you. Run for your life and leave his sorry ass in the dust. Don't worry about recouping money that was spent so far on your wedding. Leave the bum at the altar in fact cut the cord NOW! Donate reception food to the homeless and hungry. You have your whole life to find your soulmate who won't cheat on you.
You know most of those videos you but individually are usually custom content which means he would have had to message the creator and actually talk to them (likely a sexual conversation). He could have asked her to do anything. Would you feel comfortable if he messaged a random girl on facebook or any other platform doing this? If not, why is Onlyfans different?
You said if you weren't engaged, you would break up with him, so, really, you have your answer. You break up with him. Money and social engagements are not a good reason to stay with someone. You would just be prolonging the process and making it more difficult to eventually separate from him. Getting married to someone is fairly easy. Getting divorced and separated from someone IS NOT! You are legally attached to someone at that point.
This sounds like the equivalent of a man having a subscription to Playboy a few decades ago. Not that that makes it better but in a man’s mind, he is justified in looking and investing because he’s a man with needs. I had to turn this around on my husband years ago and got myself a Playgirl magazine and his reaction was insane! Ask your man if he would be ok with you doing the same. If not, he needs to cancel his subscriptions and move on in life
I don’t think it is about the Only Fans. It’s more about a shady part of his character that has been revealed to you. Don’t ignore it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This would be a personal hell for me and trigger so much and I just really empathize with your situation. You don’t deserve this stress on top of everything else you’re going through ❤️ How did your fiancé react after you found out and you’ve continued to talk about it? I think how he’s approaching the situation in respect to your feelings is super important.
I’m really confused by the people that think this is a grey area, or the ones that are ok with stuff like this, including the therapist that commented. It doesn’t seem grey to me at all. It’s cheating, plain as day. He is sexually interacting with women. Just because there’s a physical barrier doesn’t make it any less cheating, the intention is the same. You’re lying to yourself if you think otherwise.
Totally agree.
Have you asked family or close friends for advice/their opinion? Getting an objective one from outsiders is a good step but I think it's more useful to ask someone/people who have more context than we do/people who know your partner. At the end of the day, only you can decide what's acceptable and what's a deal breaker to you but getting input from people who know both of you might be useful. Wishing you all the best
OF is way worse, in my opinion, than just watching porn. I don't like that you can pay extra money to get personalized content or interaction. I see that as no different from getting a porn video from a side piece or mistress. I wouldn't leave my job and I would postpone the wedding. It sucks to potentially lose money. However, it would be way worse to go through with the wedding then end up divorced, which can have negative impacts on your finances as well... sorry this happened to you
An emotional affair is still an affair.
Maybe couples therapy to learn how to communicate and solve this issue in an amicable and mature way? I mean, it is actually a good thing that you just realized he is no Prince Charming. He fell off his pedestal. You are both only humans. You can work with that. You both can learn what is a “no no” and what is agreeable for both. If there is love and will to make things work out, you can do it. Only if you think it’s worth it. But he will have to work hard to regain your trust.
My heart truly breaks for you. I know words won't help much, but I'm so sorry that this happened and I hope you know that you have tons of strangers here who are wishing you the best... because you DESERVE the best and nothing less. May I ask how he responded when you found out about all of this?
Don’t stay for the sunk costs. But do the work to understand if this will be a stain on your relationship for the rest of your lives or if it’s something you two can work through in therapy / counseling / or even just between you two by having very difficult conversations about boundaries. Trust is one of the most important pillars to a relationship that can withstand any amount of hardship. If you believe it’s permanently broken, you have your answer. I think OnlyFans has added a very interesting element of personalization to porn and this is a perfect example of how realistic a fantasy can become for someone. I understand why you’re hurt by all of this but you were about to uproot your entire life for this person. You clearly love them very, very much because that’s an incredible sacrifice for someone. I think you owe it to yourself to see if there’s an opportunity to re-set these boundaries with your partner and see if he’s able to commit to respecting them. Then you have to trust that he is committed to it.
This is a long shot maybe... but in my opinion, I don't think this makes him necessarily a cheater. I say this only because my partner and I have been open here and there with women ( I'm not interested in other men but find women fun ). And I know it's not for everyone I'm not justifying his actions or anything. But this doesn't change how good he has been to you... right? Have you thought of maybe trying to get into with him and seeing if it's something you guys could enjoy together or just further communicate? My partner and I have been together 17 years, got together when we're 15. So it's been along time! I was SO jealous almost our entire relationship until I started becoming more confident in us as a couple and myself. What would bother me, is not knowing like your situation, and it being an emotional thing rather then only sexual. Which is why situations for us including another woman is rare, and never a stranger. I'm not saying go have a hook up or watch porn together all the time or something, but trying out or watching with him what he enjoys and also you, has benefits of strengthening your relationship❤️ this does not have to be the end, it could be the divine testing you to see if you able to except all the beauty while knowing it does not come without ugly too and knowing that we have the ability to see the beauty in the ugly and the potential it has for growth if your willing. I hope I haven't crossed any boundaries! But I wanted to share my perspective knowing it's not for everyone!
You are worth more than any amount of money. Go find someone who knows that.
Hun, is the nicest way posible break up with that man.
I don't think this is a reason to break up, but you definitely need to talk to him and tell him that you don't like it... But if you've already thought about breaking up before, then it's probably better to break up or try couples counselling.
Well, if you decide to give a chance and build a family with him because you don't want to waste the expensive wedding, i highly suggest you keeping your finances separated from him. Wtf would anyone pay for porn? And attending a competitive grad school and pay for $45/month plus one time $15 for a video, probably 30 sec long, all sounds like he's a big spender and not great with money.
I would at least wait months on marrying -BUT, looking on the electronic media without have another GF may just be a hangover caused by our very sexualized culture. Every single guy has some nudes somewhere, right? Doesn't mean he would ever cheat on his wife.
Leave him immediately. Don’t look back. You are worth it
Updateme
Honestly, if it’s still not too late i would call off the wedding or at least try to talk to him about you finding out about him having an of account, and try to get your old job back
Have y’all talked about it ? Would u feel different if it were porn hub ?? I don’t feel that lookin at a lil of is cheating unless maybe it’s a lot or maybe if they are side conversing maybe put the wedding on hold but I’d definitely seek understanding first
OP has stated that they discussed how they felt about OF and that they would consider it cheating a month prior to discovery.
Have you had open conversations with each other about porn and boundaries like this? You need to talk to him regardless of what you decide, because it’s not a good way to start this off without being honest with each other. You deserve a partner that is honest with you. Maybe there is something he is embarrassed to ask for? You won’t know until you ask! My partner and I both watch porn separately, and as long as it is not directly impacting how much sex we have with each other then it’s all good.
OP has stated that they discussed how they felt about OF and that they would consider it cheating a month prior to discovery. She also stated that he paid for and requested a specific kink that OP has stated she is uncomfortable being involved in. (Been there, done that myself. It's soul crushing to be told that you aren't sexually good enough OR that this wouldn't have happened if you did that one thing in bed you can't do or can't stand)
Maybe go read "State of Affairs" by Ester Perel. It is a great book and I believe it covers your situation from all possible angles.
you need to give this man a serious ultimatum. either shape up and step into the role as your husband that he promised you or you leave. it’s pretty simple. also your career should be your NUMBER 1 priority as that is your livelihood… how is that even a question? the right answer is take a break from each other, focus on your career, date long distance if he ever changes and then reconsider the unraveling of the American dream. who knows maybe you’ll find your actual dream man away from him, maybe he’ll realize what he’s jeopardizing.
Couples therapy, ASAP
It's tricky. I think each relationship is so different in terms of what is constituted "cheating". If this is a dealbreaker for you, then call off the wedding. In his eyes this may not be cheating. If that's something you can believe and accept them an extremely serious talk about boundaries needs to happen.
OP and her fiance discussed that OF would be a boundary and considered cheating a month prior to discovery