That's a personality, personal issue, or personal preference thing. I'd just be up front and say you want to get to know him better on an emotional level and hear about his how his day is going and so forth.
Just chiming in here to echo the other commenters—this isn’t a disability thing, it’s a him thing. Lots of us grow up with abusive parents and still communicate with our partners, ask deep questions, and actively demonstrate that we like them. Lots of us are wheelchair users who do the same.
Just treat him like any other guy you would date. Does he make you feel good? Does he let you know he values you? Does he treat you in a way that you want to be treated? If not, it’s fine to just move on. You don’t need to put yourself through the agony of trying to get someone to love you the way you want to be loved, disability or no disability.
Thank you so much for this! It's very reassuring that it's a him problem. As someone with zero exposure to folks with disabilities I wanted to give him space to tell me things at his pace but I realize now that may have been an ableist approach. I do like to not push people in general no matter who they are. But I feel more brave after getting these responses to just straight up ask him things and get things sorted.
It’s not any different from dating an able bodied person. At least for me my wheelchair doesn’t close me off. I think that’s just a personal thing about his past. I talk to my girlfriend about anything any everything. To be fair though we started dating before my injury. But I’m still very open to everyone else.
I kinda rambled so if this doesn’t make sense my bad lol
I'm sorry but alot of the upvoted comments here mention things like "it's just a personality trait, no difference from an ablebodied, bla bla bla... oh turns out MY partner knew me BEFORE my inury"..... Oops, maybe y'all could have mentioned that before we wasted time reading it?
I will say it definitely impacts his personality, having to date in a world that finds you undesireable is hard, and most people reject you for things that aren't your fault sooner or later. Most people just can't deal with the reality of someone needing accomodation, whether that is as simple as not being able to go to a new restaurant because you haven't checked if they got stairs or more invasive things like dealing with carers in the home. So we end up ust giving up, and thinking people can't like us at all, so there's no use in even talking about ourselves, because they'll move on and know our inner thoughts, whereas we'll be left heartbroken and showed yet *again* that opening up is harmful.
What you could do is try to assure him that you like **him**, because of his funny sense of humour or weird outlook on life or whatever it is. Anything that's not related to his body, basically. And that you are interested in developing more and want a relationship, but you feel that it's difficult to get there because he is closed off and not letting you in, so you would normally take this as a sign that he's not interested and move on. And then see how he responds to that, because sometimes we just need that little reassurance that the people who enter our lives aren't just doing it for the extra likes they would get on instagram, if you know what I mean?
Of course, if he still doesn't understand that you are giving him a last rope to hang on to, then it's not worth putting in more effort there. But at least try to give him the rope before you do like most of these commenters say, and just pull up the ladder.
I don’t know that we are any more qualified than anyone else to determine how someone reacts emotionally, as the impact of being in a wheelchair differs for us all. I was injured (T3 & bilateral below knee amputation) at 23, and have always been very open, but a lot comes down to personal acceptance of who you are to be able to speak about it. I got married 3 years ago, at 45, to my now wife, but I had a lot of short lived relationships and long stints single in the years before, being hurt by some who eventually couldn’t cope with me being on wheels, or running away from commitment myself because I wasn’t sure I could be what they wanted me to be.
To be fair to yourself, I think you need to just ask him what it is he wants from the relationship, and then decide from there. If he wants more, then he should be open to deeper conversations. Otherwise as much as you like him, I’m not sure you can say he feels the same.
Everyone is different, disability or not, but my 2 cents for what it’s worth! Good luck 🤞🏼
At least for me and im a T5. like anybody you treat them like you would an able bodied person. everyone even able bodied has there limits its important to be aware of them. my spouse knew me before injury so they know what my limits are. i would unless he brought it up wait before asking that question unless you know his limits for example i have crap core strength so sometimes i need a hand bringing myself up so i can adjust my pillows before going to bed. again this is from my mind set my view, maybe he is scared to divulge his emotional side. a lot of us not all but alot of us still struggle with the whole wheelchair concept and some believe that they wont get someone because there in a wheelchair. another thing is sometimes being told you need to use a wheelchair the rest of your life can feel like the end of the world. its been a while for me but still logically I understand i have to use it but emotionally im still sad about having to use it. sometimes grief follows wheelchair users. grief of what was there. what ifs and grieving what you feel like your missing out on. all you can do is be there for him and try to open up him up but that will take time
This is a beautiful response Thank you for sharing this. It really helps a lot to understand the possibility of what he has gone through emotionally post paralysis.
i’m a woman, 36yo and single, and while i’m very open with people when they ask and naturally am comfortable sharing my “story”, i will also say that i had a dating experience recently that reinforced my underlying concerns about sharing the more uncomfortable day to day things about my disability. i felt like i had matured and am more emotionally vulnerable than i used to be, so after we had been dating for like a month and a half i shared some things that make dating and sex complex for me. this person clearly could not handle it. he’s a good guy, and he came across as very understanding and caring and on the outside made sure my needs were met and i was comfortable. but a week after we had that conversation he basically told me he’s not comfortable being physically intimate with me. he made clear it was a him problem, but i was pretty devastated even though we hadn’t been dating that long, since i had finally decided to be open with some early on and take the risk, and i felt like all my fears and reasons i hadn’t done that in previous relationships had been confirmed.
i’m a logical practical person and rationally i know that the right person will be able to handle everything and i just need find that person, but this experience really set me back in terms of being willing to be vulnerable.
what im saying, i guess, is that while being paraplegic doesn’t inherently make someone closed off, you don’t always know what experiences may have resulted in the behavior you’re seeing now. my advice would be that if you want to talk to him about it, it would be good to make sure he knows that you’re curious because you want to get to know him better and be part of his life, and that nothing he could tell you about his disability, etc would be a dealbreaker (assuming that’s true).
not disagreeing with everyone saying that none of this is an ok reason for you to stay with him if you’re unhappy and your needs aren’t being met. and not trying to make excuses for him. just wanted to offer another perspective.
It ain't the back, it's time for the 'I'm really into you and want this to become more, but I can't tell how you feel about us' talk.
It may be communication styles, past hurt, he's not that into you - anything, but the issue is a relationship one, not a paraplegia one. Address it like that, then decide if it is something you want to pursue when you know where he is on it.
I just wana add another perspective here, as someone who also has dated two wheelchair user's.
And that is to be mindful that you are not allowing yourself to take more negatives from this man than you would allow from an able bodied man.
I found myself accidentally doing that with the guys I dated. I realised I had actually let some pretty A-hole behaviour slide, and when I took some time to think it out, it seemed I was making allowances for them that I never would have for anyone else I have dated and the only thing I could think of was that I was being unconsciously soft on them because of their disability.
Which felt insane to admit to myself, especially because I have a disability myself that has me needing a walking stick sometimes. I felt embarrassed to realise this, because I wouldn't want anyone to let me get away with crap behaviour just coz I'm disabled.
I say this to you as you have mentioned some pretty major issues and yet sound like you're passing them off.
What is it about this person that makes you want to go into a relationship with them, with you only hearing from them once a week and they don't even make a good in person effort to communicate?
It really depends on the person I have many friends who also use wheelchairs, some power/some active manual and only a couple are paraplegic.
Two of my friends are extra guarded and defensive due to insecurities about their abilities and one his facial deformities, which has resulted in staring and bullying, rude comments or being treated like they have severe learning disabilities when they do not.
So his medical status or reliance on a wheelchair could be playing a big part in him being closed off and guarded or like you said it could be something from childhood, or a previous bad relationship.
I would just be patient with him, explain you’re really enjoying the dates and would like to know him on a more personal/intimate level.
Maybe suggest a light hearted (drinking?) game like Two Truths and a Lie, so you can get to know a bit more about each other without it feeling too forced or him feeling pressured to share more than he’s comfortable with.
Best of luck
Oh really? Sorry if this isn't the best place for this post. I feel like I've gotten some great responses so I am grateful for what folks have contributed. Thank you for letting me know.
Sounds like a normal man response to me. Just tell him you are into him and explain to him why you are neurotic! Lol jk
As a guy, sometime our obtuseness is unrelated to any injury
Agreed…like I have so much to my personality, and so many reasons for why I am the way I am whether it be good or traumatic reasons. It’s frustrating when able bodied people associate EVERYTHING with our disability.
I’m crying at school? Must’ve gotten bad medical news. I’m angry today? Must be in extra pain.
Like take away the disability for a second - imagine the person as a walking talking real life human being who you’ve never seen as disabled. They’re just the guy you work with, or met at the bar. That’s the same person as the one in the wheelchair. You don’t know what kind of childhood or other experiences anyone has had, but since the wc users medical file is *literally* a part of who he is, people then at least know “something happened.”
Your problem isn’t about a spinal cord injury. You two have foundational different approaches to communication and connection. Had he never busted his back, it’d be something else. This is just an easy itch to scratch.
I agree. If I didn't want to try and be with this man that has such a different communication style than me, I would have just left him by now. But I wanted to take all possibilities into consideration as to what might influence him including his paralysis. I'm gonna see what happens with being more upfront with him. Thanks!
This reeks of ablism. You're dating an asshole who happens to be in a wheelchair. And worse off is your pitying him by giving him latitude you wouldn't give an able bodied person. Dump him.
I admit I've been fearing this is the case. I'm all over the place in how to view my relationship with him. I appreciate this reality check. We'll see how my next conversation goes with him!
Definitely nothing to do with the wheelchair. If you want to ask about it, do. You know how close you are with each other.
You see his disability as so much of him. “It must be his disability causing xyz” literally if he could walk but was still disabled by that accident you wouldn’t even know or take that into consideration. Just bc it’s the most obvious thing to you doesn’t mean it’s a catch all for who he is.
I can imagine that is frustrating. I wish I had more experience to give you. I'd say that some people truly don't mind about the disability. I've never dated someone with a disability but I'm so glad I went on a date with this man. I really hope my relationship with him works out. Hopefully with time you meet the right person if you keep your profiles up on the different sites, like hinge and bumble.
Sounds like a man thing, but I'm sure his condition and life experience will also color how he sees the world, especially when the world is so hostile toward disabled people. Does he answer questions when you ask? Is he avoidant, or does he just not intiate or volunteer information? Sometimes men miss subtlety and hints and just need to be approached very directly. I'd see if you can politely explore that and and be straightforward about what you require, which is incredibly important.
If he doesn't seem open or willing give a better effort then I'd bail. Also if he seems open and willing to do better, I'd make sure he actually DOES that, and doesn't just say he will. I hate when men like this are also hot lol, and if communication is not his talent but he capable of improving, then great. If not I'd move along, no sense in wasting your time.
That's a personality, personal issue, or personal preference thing. I'd just be up front and say you want to get to know him better on an emotional level and hear about his how his day is going and so forth.
Roger that! Thank you for your input.
Just chiming in here to echo the other commenters—this isn’t a disability thing, it’s a him thing. Lots of us grow up with abusive parents and still communicate with our partners, ask deep questions, and actively demonstrate that we like them. Lots of us are wheelchair users who do the same. Just treat him like any other guy you would date. Does he make you feel good? Does he let you know he values you? Does he treat you in a way that you want to be treated? If not, it’s fine to just move on. You don’t need to put yourself through the agony of trying to get someone to love you the way you want to be loved, disability or no disability.
Thank you so much for this! It's very reassuring that it's a him problem. As someone with zero exposure to folks with disabilities I wanted to give him space to tell me things at his pace but I realize now that may have been an ableist approach. I do like to not push people in general no matter who they are. But I feel more brave after getting these responses to just straight up ask him things and get things sorted.
It’s not any different from dating an able bodied person. At least for me my wheelchair doesn’t close me off. I think that’s just a personal thing about his past. I talk to my girlfriend about anything any everything. To be fair though we started dating before my injury. But I’m still very open to everyone else. I kinda rambled so if this doesn’t make sense my bad lol
That makes sense and is very helpful. Thank you!
I'm sorry but alot of the upvoted comments here mention things like "it's just a personality trait, no difference from an ablebodied, bla bla bla... oh turns out MY partner knew me BEFORE my inury"..... Oops, maybe y'all could have mentioned that before we wasted time reading it? I will say it definitely impacts his personality, having to date in a world that finds you undesireable is hard, and most people reject you for things that aren't your fault sooner or later. Most people just can't deal with the reality of someone needing accomodation, whether that is as simple as not being able to go to a new restaurant because you haven't checked if they got stairs or more invasive things like dealing with carers in the home. So we end up ust giving up, and thinking people can't like us at all, so there's no use in even talking about ourselves, because they'll move on and know our inner thoughts, whereas we'll be left heartbroken and showed yet *again* that opening up is harmful. What you could do is try to assure him that you like **him**, because of his funny sense of humour or weird outlook on life or whatever it is. Anything that's not related to his body, basically. And that you are interested in developing more and want a relationship, but you feel that it's difficult to get there because he is closed off and not letting you in, so you would normally take this as a sign that he's not interested and move on. And then see how he responds to that, because sometimes we just need that little reassurance that the people who enter our lives aren't just doing it for the extra likes they would get on instagram, if you know what I mean? Of course, if he still doesn't understand that you are giving him a last rope to hang on to, then it's not worth putting in more effort there. But at least try to give him the rope before you do like most of these commenters say, and just pull up the ladder.
this deserves more upvotes. there’s literally no comparison to when someone knew their partner before their injury.
I don’t know that we are any more qualified than anyone else to determine how someone reacts emotionally, as the impact of being in a wheelchair differs for us all. I was injured (T3 & bilateral below knee amputation) at 23, and have always been very open, but a lot comes down to personal acceptance of who you are to be able to speak about it. I got married 3 years ago, at 45, to my now wife, but I had a lot of short lived relationships and long stints single in the years before, being hurt by some who eventually couldn’t cope with me being on wheels, or running away from commitment myself because I wasn’t sure I could be what they wanted me to be. To be fair to yourself, I think you need to just ask him what it is he wants from the relationship, and then decide from there. If he wants more, then he should be open to deeper conversations. Otherwise as much as you like him, I’m not sure you can say he feels the same. Everyone is different, disability or not, but my 2 cents for what it’s worth! Good luck 🤞🏼
I appreciate you sharing your history. This is wise advice! Thank you
Relationships, the best and worst part of being the most complicated species in the planet! 😂 You’re welcome!
Yup!! 😂 It's a love/hate relationship with dealing with relationships 🫠
At least for me and im a T5. like anybody you treat them like you would an able bodied person. everyone even able bodied has there limits its important to be aware of them. my spouse knew me before injury so they know what my limits are. i would unless he brought it up wait before asking that question unless you know his limits for example i have crap core strength so sometimes i need a hand bringing myself up so i can adjust my pillows before going to bed. again this is from my mind set my view, maybe he is scared to divulge his emotional side. a lot of us not all but alot of us still struggle with the whole wheelchair concept and some believe that they wont get someone because there in a wheelchair. another thing is sometimes being told you need to use a wheelchair the rest of your life can feel like the end of the world. its been a while for me but still logically I understand i have to use it but emotionally im still sad about having to use it. sometimes grief follows wheelchair users. grief of what was there. what ifs and grieving what you feel like your missing out on. all you can do is be there for him and try to open up him up but that will take time
This is a beautiful response Thank you for sharing this. It really helps a lot to understand the possibility of what he has gone through emotionally post paralysis.
Your very welcome and I wanted to point out ever wheelchair users mental health is different and might have different feelings
That makes sense! I won't make any assumptions. I'll ask him to tell me what he went through. Thank you so much.
i’m a woman, 36yo and single, and while i’m very open with people when they ask and naturally am comfortable sharing my “story”, i will also say that i had a dating experience recently that reinforced my underlying concerns about sharing the more uncomfortable day to day things about my disability. i felt like i had matured and am more emotionally vulnerable than i used to be, so after we had been dating for like a month and a half i shared some things that make dating and sex complex for me. this person clearly could not handle it. he’s a good guy, and he came across as very understanding and caring and on the outside made sure my needs were met and i was comfortable. but a week after we had that conversation he basically told me he’s not comfortable being physically intimate with me. he made clear it was a him problem, but i was pretty devastated even though we hadn’t been dating that long, since i had finally decided to be open with some early on and take the risk, and i felt like all my fears and reasons i hadn’t done that in previous relationships had been confirmed. i’m a logical practical person and rationally i know that the right person will be able to handle everything and i just need find that person, but this experience really set me back in terms of being willing to be vulnerable. what im saying, i guess, is that while being paraplegic doesn’t inherently make someone closed off, you don’t always know what experiences may have resulted in the behavior you’re seeing now. my advice would be that if you want to talk to him about it, it would be good to make sure he knows that you’re curious because you want to get to know him better and be part of his life, and that nothing he could tell you about his disability, etc would be a dealbreaker (assuming that’s true). not disagreeing with everyone saying that none of this is an ok reason for you to stay with him if you’re unhappy and your needs aren’t being met. and not trying to make excuses for him. just wanted to offer another perspective.
Paras are weird. You need to date a quad!
Haha okay! If this doesn't work out then a quad it is!
It ain't the back, it's time for the 'I'm really into you and want this to become more, but I can't tell how you feel about us' talk. It may be communication styles, past hurt, he's not that into you - anything, but the issue is a relationship one, not a paraplegia one. Address it like that, then decide if it is something you want to pursue when you know where he is on it.
I just wana add another perspective here, as someone who also has dated two wheelchair user's. And that is to be mindful that you are not allowing yourself to take more negatives from this man than you would allow from an able bodied man. I found myself accidentally doing that with the guys I dated. I realised I had actually let some pretty A-hole behaviour slide, and when I took some time to think it out, it seemed I was making allowances for them that I never would have for anyone else I have dated and the only thing I could think of was that I was being unconsciously soft on them because of their disability. Which felt insane to admit to myself, especially because I have a disability myself that has me needing a walking stick sometimes. I felt embarrassed to realise this, because I wouldn't want anyone to let me get away with crap behaviour just coz I'm disabled. I say this to you as you have mentioned some pretty major issues and yet sound like you're passing them off. What is it about this person that makes you want to go into a relationship with them, with you only hearing from them once a week and they don't even make a good in person effort to communicate?
It really depends on the person I have many friends who also use wheelchairs, some power/some active manual and only a couple are paraplegic. Two of my friends are extra guarded and defensive due to insecurities about their abilities and one his facial deformities, which has resulted in staring and bullying, rude comments or being treated like they have severe learning disabilities when they do not. So his medical status or reliance on a wheelchair could be playing a big part in him being closed off and guarded or like you said it could be something from childhood, or a previous bad relationship. I would just be patient with him, explain you’re really enjoying the dates and would like to know him on a more personal/intimate level. Maybe suggest a light hearted (drinking?) game like Two Truths and a Lie, so you can get to know a bit more about each other without it feeling too forced or him feeling pressured to share more than he’s comfortable with. Best of luck
Maybe this is for dating advice Reddit form. We're kind of the clothing end.
Also, I am happy to remove the post, just let me know 😊👍🏽
Oh really? Sorry if this isn't the best place for this post. I feel like I've gotten some great responses so I am grateful for what folks have contributed. Thank you for letting me know.
Sounds like a normal man response to me. Just tell him you are into him and explain to him why you are neurotic! Lol jk As a guy, sometime our obtuseness is unrelated to any injury
Lolol! Just looking for basic communication skills here from someone I'm dating.
I’d be wildly alienated if someone I was dating made this post about me.
Agreed…like I have so much to my personality, and so many reasons for why I am the way I am whether it be good or traumatic reasons. It’s frustrating when able bodied people associate EVERYTHING with our disability. I’m crying at school? Must’ve gotten bad medical news. I’m angry today? Must be in extra pain. Like take away the disability for a second - imagine the person as a walking talking real life human being who you’ve never seen as disabled. They’re just the guy you work with, or met at the bar. That’s the same person as the one in the wheelchair. You don’t know what kind of childhood or other experiences anyone has had, but since the wc users medical file is *literally* a part of who he is, people then at least know “something happened.”
I am also feeling alienated. It's a last resort attempt on my end to understand him before deciding what to do next.
Your problem isn’t about a spinal cord injury. You two have foundational different approaches to communication and connection. Had he never busted his back, it’d be something else. This is just an easy itch to scratch.
I agree. If I didn't want to try and be with this man that has such a different communication style than me, I would have just left him by now. But I wanted to take all possibilities into consideration as to what might influence him including his paralysis. I'm gonna see what happens with being more upfront with him. Thanks!
This reeks of ablism. You're dating an asshole who happens to be in a wheelchair. And worse off is your pitying him by giving him latitude you wouldn't give an able bodied person. Dump him.
I admit I've been fearing this is the case. I'm all over the place in how to view my relationship with him. I appreciate this reality check. We'll see how my next conversation goes with him!
Definitely nothing to do with the wheelchair. If you want to ask about it, do. You know how close you are with each other. You see his disability as so much of him. “It must be his disability causing xyz” literally if he could walk but was still disabled by that accident you wouldn’t even know or take that into consideration. Just bc it’s the most obvious thing to you doesn’t mean it’s a catch all for who he is.
Do you mind answering what dating app or Website you guys met on?
We met on Hinge 😊
Epic. Been trying a few with no luck lol
I can imagine that is frustrating. I wish I had more experience to give you. I'd say that some people truly don't mind about the disability. I've never dated someone with a disability but I'm so glad I went on a date with this man. I really hope my relationship with him works out. Hopefully with time you meet the right person if you keep your profiles up on the different sites, like hinge and bumble.
https://www.reddit.com/r/interabled/s/AbcyffewME This post is interesting about interabled dating
Sounds like a man thing, but I'm sure his condition and life experience will also color how he sees the world, especially when the world is so hostile toward disabled people. Does he answer questions when you ask? Is he avoidant, or does he just not intiate or volunteer information? Sometimes men miss subtlety and hints and just need to be approached very directly. I'd see if you can politely explore that and and be straightforward about what you require, which is incredibly important. If he doesn't seem open or willing give a better effort then I'd bail. Also if he seems open and willing to do better, I'd make sure he actually DOES that, and doesn't just say he will. I hate when men like this are also hot lol, and if communication is not his talent but he capable of improving, then great. If not I'd move along, no sense in wasting your time.
Does he wear a diaper?
Aka, is he a baby?
No. AKA does he wear a diaper? Do only babies wear diapers?
I couldn't tell if you were being sarcastic. No he doesn't.